Society

A WOMAN was 'five minutes away' for an hour and a half, it has been confirmed.

ABSOLUTELY everybody loathes the loud group of uber-dicks who have settled right in the middle of the pub, it has emerged.

THE royal wedding is incredibly exciting, according to all the wealthy white people in the Cheltenham branch of Waitrose.

A CYCLIST is in favour of having to wear any ridiculous-looking equipment if it makes people look at him, he has confirmed.

A MAN who refuses to drink non-craft beer is having cereal for his tea again tonight, it has been revealed.

NORTHERNERS are once again being confronted with the brass bands they are supposed to enjoy in every town and shopping centre.

FRIENDS of a woman going through a personal crisis have no idea how to help her without using alcohol.

A WOMAN believes she has a gift for ‘reading’ social situations that are completely obvious to everyone, she has revealed.

ANYONE struggling to buy a house has been advised to give the whole nightmare as wide a berth as possible.

A CAT and a dog have been united by their shared hatred of the Hoover.