Society

A WOMAN whose boyfriend is a keen amateur songwriter has told him she only wants a present that has been bought in a shop, with actual money, this Christmas.  

PRETENTIOUS tossers are unnecessarily announcing that they want to ‘unplug’ and ‘take a few days out’ from social media over Christmas.

A ROBIN has confirmed he is not the vessel of a deceased grandparent returned to visit the family for Christmas, and is just eating some seeds.

A COUPLE who claim their local recycling scheme is bafflingly complicated are actually just reactionary twats who like complaining, it has emerged.

A MOTHER has been praised for not taking a photo of her child's letter to Father Christmas and posting it to Facebook.

A WOMAN has reached the limits of physical endurance after spending 96 hours trying to park at a supermarket.

A FATHER has convinced his young son that a Wetherspoon pub is the home of Santa and his elves.

THE relatives that arrive this weekend have issued their first tranche of impossible-to-meet demands, with more to follow. 

A WICKER basket containing some biscuits and tea bags is apparently a fabulous Victorian-style Christmas hamper, it has been confirmed.

A PENSIONER will have nothing to occupy his twilight years if the hard Brexit that fills his days is taken away from him, say his worried relatives.