Society

EVERY single fancy beer just tastes like a different type of metal, it has been confirmed.

A HAIRCUT turned weird and awkward after a barber and a customer failed to have a discussion about football.

A MAN who was asked to taste the wine in a restaurant has managed to bullshit his way through it with great success.

A LONDONER is desperately attempting to believe that thieves on mopeds stealing your phone were what he moved to the capital for.

THE only way to be charming and self-assured is to be a little bit drunk the whole time, it has been confirmed.

A VOTER who thought a policy in Labour’s manifesto sounded ‘attractive’ is slapping his own face repeatedly and telling himself to ‘wake up’.

PEOPLE only use food banks so they can spend their benefits on fags and booze, according to a man who has imagined the problem thoroughly.

MEN have agreed that marriage takes work, that it is a marathon not a sprint, and the toughest part is when the wife scrapes the car again.

A MAN is studying a menu and making inane comments in a bid to convince his fellow diners that he might ordering anything but a burger.

A COUPLE have asked their wedding guests to suggest songs for their party playlist, provided they are the kind of tracks they would have chosen anyway.