Society

A WOMAN would really like to drink something that has not been heated up and had loads of spices and other shit put in it.

A MAN has insisted the ankle he sprained last month be listed alongside Prince’s death, Brexit and Trump when discussing the awfulness of 2016.

A NEW gospel suggests that Jesus’s birth was visited by a fourth wise man who gave him a Lynx Africa gift set.

A CAT has vowed to destroy the six-foot Christmas tree currently in her living room.

AN 81-YEAR-OLD white man is confused about why he isn’t running the world.

CHRISTMAS is providing excellent ‘camouflage’ for people who are shitfaced all year round, they have revealed.

A BOSS has invited workers over for Christmas drinks and to see how impressively large his house is.

A MAN has a white Range Rover, it has been confirmed.

A MASSIVE arsehole you used to work with is now quite senior at another company.

A CHRISTMAS tree fairy would rather not have a needle-covered branch right up her skirt, it has emerged.