Food

THE owners of allotments have ordered the rest of Britain to bow down and give them nuff respect for their mad veg-cultivating skills.

BRITONS are physically incapable of having nice food or booze in the house without shoving it down their greedy throats, they have admitted.

THE UK’s convenience stores want to tell customers they have shelves groaning with pasta but cannot be heard over the noise of fighting outside Tesco.

MILK and bread will be the next victims of needless panic buying, Britain’s moronic stockpilers have confirmed.

PANIC-STRICKEN imbeciles who emptied supermarket shelves of dried pasta will be eating nothing but the stuff for the next few years. 

A MAN has abandoned a panic-buying supermarket run after arriving and seeing that the shelves were still perfectly well-stocked.

A SUPPORT group has been set up for anyone struggling with the painful issue of not being quite sure what they fancy for lunch.

A MAN who describes himself as a 'foodie' is nothing but a greedy twat, friends have confirmed.

A WOMAN is inviting people to a dinner party based on them not being annoying idiots who will mess up her menu plans. 

A TIGHTLY-PACKED bag of rice has warned its owner that his efforts to open it will result in it exploding all over the kitchen.