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Wimbledon To Ban Fisting

OFFICIALS at Wimbledon are to outlaw the practice of 'fisting' during matches in a move to clean up the increasingly offensive world of international tennis.

 

Bush Gives Blair Lead Role In Jug Band

TONY Blair and George Bush are set to invade the music charts after forming a hillbilly jug band.

Rosa Klebb Wins Labour Deputy Contest

SMERSH assassin Rosa Klebb is the new deputy leader of the Labour Party after a closely fought contest in which she killed all of her rivals.

Old Firm Link To Spoiled Ballots

MORE than 99% of the spoiled ballots in the Holyrood election came from areas with the highest concentration of Rangers and Celtic supporters, according to new research.

Guest Blog: Frank Lampard

None of you people who lead ordinary, run-of-the-mill, dreary, worthless existences could possibly imagine what it’s like to live in the goldfish bowl - in fact, the thing I live in is more than that…it’s like an aquarium big enough to house those really, really big tortoises that can swim. That’s what it’s like to be me.

'Brown Offered Me A Foot Rub', Claims Ashdown

LORD Ashdown has accused the Labour Party of playing politics with his feet after he was offered a vigorous massage by Gordon Brown.

'Manhunt 2' Producers Launch Glastonbury Version

CENSORS have welcomed a new version of the controversial game Manhunt in which players rampage through Glastonbury wiping out solicitors pretending to be hippies for the weekend.

Free £5 Note For Every Reader*

THE Bank of England is to give a brand new £5 note to each reader of The Daily Mash as part of its drive to stem the growing shortage of fivers in circulation.