Trump administration to give Farage his own kennel

DONALD Trump’s transition team has already secured a kennel and water bowl for Nigel Farage to use when he visits America.

My year has been so hard it's been almost like one of yours, says William

THE Prince of Wales has confessed that his 2024 has been so difficult it has almost hit the level of an ordinary Briton’s year.

Inattentive boyfriend yet to realise he's in polyamorous relationship

AN apathetic man is unaware he and his girlfriend are in a polyamorous relationship, it has emerged.

President Trump's first priority: make the United States four states greater. Annexe the UK

TO make America even greater? Make it larger. I plead with you, President Trump, to end our socialist misery and annexe the UK.

Will he be president forever now? Your worst fears about Trump, questioned and confirmed

THE prospect of a second Trump presidency poses lots of terrifying questions. Here are your worst fears analysed and confirmed.

The sound of rutting foxes, and other inappropriate prompts for suggesting sex

INITIATING the act of love is a fine art. Don’t mess it up by taking your cue from any of the following.

Seven things Trump claims he will do as president and what he will actually do

DONALD Trump has promised his supporters a raft of new policies when taking office. Here’s what he’ll do instead.

'Feisty', and other ways to describe someone when you really want to say 'f**king annoying'

WANT to call someone an irritating bellend but can’t get away with it in present company? Try using these phrases instead: .

Witty signs and polite chanting: the agenda for a liberal Capitol insurrection

MOVE aside, gun-toting, flag-waving, antler-wearing rioters, lefties can be just as angry and ready to reclaim the election by force. Well, by asking nicely. Here's how.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Politics

My key opponent will be myself, says Badenoch

KEMI Badenoch has told interviewers her key fight as Conservative leader will be with herself – and that she intends to win.

We ask you: Would the UK be better off if Guy Fawkes had succeeded in blowing up parliament?

BRITONS will be gleefully watching effigies of Guy Fawkes burn this weekend. But would the UK be a better place if his plot had succeeded?

Little girls everywhere inspired by cutting draught duty by 1.7 per cent

YOUNG girls up and down the country have been inspired by first female chancellor Rachel Reeves slashing the price of a pint by 1p.

We ask you: Do you have no f**king clue if you're better off after the budget?

RACHEL Reeves has delivered a tax-raising budget with notable concessions. But are you still confused as to whether you’ll have more cash for alcohol and trainers and whatnot?

Reeves to soften the blow by peppering the Budget with gags

RACHEL Reeves will take the edge off the Budget by delivering it with edgy quips in the style of an American awards show host.

Society

'I'm a virgin who lives with his parents so I'm better off': Winners and losers in yesterday's Budget

DEPENDING on how badly your life is going, yesterday’s Budget will affect you differently. Here are the winners and losers of Rachel Reeves’ decision to tax and spend.

Is Poppy Day disrespect starting too early nowadays? By Roy Hobbs

DON’T get me wrong, I love having some Poppy Day disrespect to moan about. But it’s getting earlier every year, and it doesn’t feel right calling someone a traitor in October.

New Asian colleague on works curry night expected to be a sodding expert

AN Asian man out for a curry with his new office colleagues has been quizzed about Indian food as if he somehow has an innate knowledge of it.

Middle-class couple give newborn daughter name of withered Edwardian schoolmistress

A PAIR of moneyed new parents have given their beautiful, hours-old daughter a name best suited to a sour schoolmarm who lived a hundred years ago.  

We ask you: can landlords honestly be said to work as people?

Labour have been criticised for saying landlords cannot be viewed to be working as human beings. What do you think?

The five stages of Trump grief, for British people
FEELING impotent, sad and powerless is normal for Britons, but nonetheless it hurts to see American voters elect a convict and aspiring dictator. This is what you’ll go through.

Lifestyle

Twats convinced everyone will love their f**king massive garden fireworks show

A DICKISH couple are certain people from miles around will gratefully gaze at the huge free fireworks display they are putting on.

Pointless bed showroom won't let you f**k on the mattresses

AN uptight bed showroom is stupidly not letting customers find out how good the mattresses are for shagging on.

The Halloween costumes you can't make slutty

HALLOWEEN is a time for ghosts, ghouls and women who want an excuse to wear revealing costumes. If you’re going to regret dressing as a slutty witch here are some outfits which are hard to sexualise.

Villages’ quirky Halloween celebrations also involve human sacrifice

RURAL villages that mark Halloween with funny old-fashioned ceremonies always kill someone at the end, it has emerged.

Couple romantically stab giant orange gourd together

A COUPLE seeking a romantic autumnal activity have chosen to mutually hack apart a huge, slimy squash.

Pickup from an Amazon locker: Seven times men pretend they they're in a heist movie

LIFE is dull. Inject the seedy glamour of organised crime into your day by turning mundane activities into Hollywood fantasies.

'Arguments are a sign of a healthy relationship' says total nightmare couple
A COUPLE who regularly scream insults into each others faces at point-blank range are adamant that it only makes their relationship stronger.

Sport

'Germans and English the same anyway' says Tuchel

THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.

Tuchel accepts his career as a successful football manager is over

THOMAS Tuchel has nobly accepted his career as a football manager who won trophies is in the past and begun a long, sad slide into irrelevance.

We ask you: why are England managers too afraid to field an all-striker eleven?

ENGLAND played five strikers on Thursday and lost. Logic dictates they should therefore increase the number of strikers to 11 for Sunday’s game, but will they?

We ask you: should we just give a random man called Lee the England job?

NOBODY seems to want the England job and fans believe anyone could do it better than Gareth Southgate, so should we let this lad Lee Carsley do it?

'Me next,' says Boris
FORMER prime minister Boris Johnson believes Trump’s stunning victory proves that his own political comeback is now inevitable.

Science & Technology

Loving text from dad obviously a scam

A WARM, loving message from a father is clearly a scam designed to trick his son out of money.

Congratulate LinkedIn on its new role interfering in US elections!

THE business-focused social media network LinkedIn has just begun an exciting new role rigging presidential elections in the United States. Click here to add your congratulations!

Spunk prices up

THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.

'Did you mean something completely different that’s more profitable for me to find?' asks Google

GOOGLE is wondering if you meant a different search term which requires less effort and more showing of sponsored posts, it has confirmed.

Trump urges caution as election may have been rigged
PILLAR of democratic integrity Donald Trump has urged his supporters not to get carried away until the veracity of his election has been investigated.

Arts & Entertainment

Seven songs that are f**king awful tributes to deceased people

LIAM Payne’s track Do No Wrong is being released uncomfortably soon after his death. But it’s not the first questionable musical tribute to a deceased individual.

Let's all pretend we want new Kate Bush music

MUSIC fans around the world are joining in the fun pretence that they would love to hear a new album by Kate Bush.

Robert Jenrick, and other famous people who should never write a children's book

KEIRA Knightley has written a children’s book, based on no literary merit other than being in Pride & Prejudice. Here are some more famous people who really shouldn’t bother either.

AI trained on Radiohead can only do two good albums

AN artificial intelligence trained on Radiohead’s music can produced precisely two good albums before dissolving into an electronic morass, researchers have found.

Ronnie Wood, and other musicians hoping you're thick enough to buy their paintings

YOU bought their records, and now they want you to buy appalling artwork which proves their talent is solely musical. None of these would be hung on merit.

Laughs ahoy as America re-elects popular comedy president
THE world is preparing for a fun-filled four years after the US re-elected the rollicking slapstick clown who proved so hilarious last time.

Business

How you've ended up subsidising water companies to pass profits to their twat shareholders: a user's guide

WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened.

Unless we get everything we want we'll all leave tomorrow, warn businessmen, investors, landlords and other Tories

A GROUP of natural Tories have warned Labour to run the country in their best interests or every one of them will have left the country by Friday.

How to fall for a banking scam: your quick and easy guide

ARE you concerned that when the inevitable call from banking scammers arrives, you will be too savvy to fall for it and end up keeping all your money? Follow these steps.

Gentrified area upset specialist cheese shop they never use is closing down

RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.

Paint over the smoke alarms: the landlord's guide to interior design

TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything.

Work

Man takes massive pay cut for dream job that's still better paid than yours

A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has emerged.  

Colleague massively overestimating emotional impact of her leaving

A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her.

Boss asking 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' hoping to hear 'doing more work for less money'

A BOSS is hoping that his employee’s five year plan aligns with his own vision of an increased workload for decreased compensation.

'Bring Your 14-Year-Old Daughter and her Bitchy Mates to Work Day' a disaster

A BUSINESS is rethinking its morale-boosting strategy of asking staff to bring children to work after a group of teenage girls tore them to shreds.

Hospital beds, and other places where you could once happily spark up a fag
SMOKING will soon be banned outside hospitals when within living memory it was every Englishman’s right to have an NHS ashtray. And it was fine in all these locations.

Alcohol

Connoisseurs of super-strength lager disappointed by Budget

APPRECIATORS of super-strength lager's complex flavours feel they have been ignored in Rachel Reeves’ budget. 

Mate refuses to buy round unless it's in Wetherspoons

A MAN is not tight or anything, he just thinks it is daft to spend a fiver on a pint.

Craft beer 'not being made by authentic wankers'

MORE than 60 per cent of craft beer is brewed by big bastard corporations rather than independent bearded wankers, research has found.

Pub closing, but colleague knows cool bar 45 minutes walk away on narrowboat behind abandoned warehouse

A GROUP of work colleagues have been assured by a co-worker that they can continue their drinking at a great bar situated a mere 45 minute walk away.

Middle-class dinner parties indulge in craze for premium strength lager

A NEW range of boutique 12 per cent lagers are the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals at upscale dinner parties.

Inside the mind of a British Trump supporter
THEY are here among us, frustrated they cannot cast their vote to make America great again because they are citizens of a different country. Look inside their minds.