News

Kicking a football back, and five other challenges to your masculinity

BEING a bloke comes with a hideous array of unreasonable expectations. Consider yourself a failure as a man if you fall foul of any of the following:

How to blame a teacher for your child being a horrible little shit

HAVE you inadvertently brought your child up to be a total nightmare? Here’s how to absolve yourself from blame by saying it’s all the fault of their teacher.

Why I should be the centre of attention at a funeral, by Prince Andrew

ONLY a self-centred idiot would make a funeral all about them. Here Prince Andrew explains why he should be the centre of attention as the nation mourns.

My busy day, by a scumbag internet troll

HAVE you ever wondered what sort of twat has the time and inclination to abuse strangers online all day? Here leading troll Martin Bishop explains his craft.

Horrified woman forgets to tell social media she's had her Covid jab

A WOMAN who has just joined 25 million Britons in having her Covid vaccine is mortified she forgot to share her special news on social media.

Do spelling and grammar matter? A debate by two twats

SOME UK universities have relaxed their standards on spelling and grammar. Here pompous old git Norman Steele debates the issue with young, trendy wanker Josh Hudson.

Five embarrassing ways to stay young at heart

GETTING older but not happy about it? Here’s how to maintain the facade of youthfulness even if it means being a bit of a twat.

'With regards to yourself' and other annoying ways people speak

LEARN to speak proper and not get on other people’s nerves by avoiding these five common mistakes:

Seven jobs you've been putting off for three years that would take five minutes

WHY is it that some perfectly easy tasks are impossible to do? No one knows, but here are the piss-easy things you cannot get around to doing.

Andy McNab's SAS guide to lunch hour drinking

LIKE an SAS operation, lunch hour drinking requires you to go in fast, get the job done and get the hell out of there after an hour. Here Andy McNab advises how to do it.

'Doesn't suffer fools gladly', and other ways to describe unreasonable bastards

SHOULD we really describe people as ‘not suffering fools gladly’ when in fact they’re just opinionated gobshites? Here are some weird euphemisms for unreasonable folk.

It's great to be back to normal, says man downing six pints on a Wednesday morning

A MAN keeps saying how great it is that things are back to normal, as if getting shitfaced in a freezing cold pub garden in the morning was something he used to do often.