What gross illness has your child brought home from nursery this week?
ARE you feeling like shit again and wondering what your toddler has infected you with this week? Probably one of these vile ailments.
A WOMAN is outraged that her friends did not beat her cheating boyfriend to death with a shovel, despite having clearly promised to do so.
TEENAGERS will try anything in a pathetic attempt at rebellion. And as everyone who went to school knows, even the dullest uniform can be used to prove you don’t give a f**k.
A SPINELESS turncoat does not have a furious opinion on whether the Elgin Marbles should be returned to Greece, it has emerged.
LAURENCE Fox has claimed accusations of racism scuppered his chances of being in a Batman film, but maybe he needs to set his sights a little lower. These parts would be ideal.
FAME is a fickle mistress, with even the biggest names quickly becoming non-entities. Expect to be weirded out when these ones inevitably become D-listers.
STILL longing for a worthy opponent, the undisputed champion of winner-stays-on pool has died at the table after 30 years of victories.
PRINCESS Kate has confirmed that, as a new book claims, she is indeed only a part-time royal and works evenings in Sainsbury’s.
IT'S still only November but the shops are awash with disgusting Christmas-themed food. Here are some festive offerings which will delight nobody.
A WOMAN who knows that she is attractive has declared that she simply cannot understand why other women dislike her.
Politics
THE Suella Braverman of Sept 2022-Nov 2023 was ‘a slap in the face’ for voters, Suella Braverman has insisted.
THE Conservative party actually believes that you are overwhelmed by their generosity in yesterday’s budget.
BRITAIN has agreed that between inflation, rent, mortgage rates and taxes, National Insurance was definitely the problem in need of urgent attention.
THE Conservative party has apologised for losing the house in a series of ill-advised bets by presenting Britain with a bunch of flowers from the all-night garage.
TOMORROW’S budget statement is rumoured to contain tax cuts, but will they save you money or are they politicised bullshit? A group of twats give their views.
THE chancellor has announced he will personally execute the 2.6 million people on long-term sickness benefits to reduce welfare spending.
Society
YOU’RE nostalgic for MacGyver and Eurythmics, so when Gen Z reminisces about The Hunger Games and The X Factor, it makes you feel like a wizened elder. Here’s what they’re looking back on.
A CONTRARIAN bigot is predictably asking why there is a Black Friday but no White Friday.
A WOMAN has demanded the traffic warden writing her a parking ticket explain why he thinks it is okay to treat her like this.
A YOUNG cow has been excited to learn she will one day become a trench coat worn by a goth, it has emerged.
AS the misery of autumn gives way to the desolation of winter, there are plenty of awful days out to be endured. Including these ordeals.
ALL men are secretly wearing a nice warm pair of leggings beneath their jeans, it has been confirmed.
Lifestyle
THE man-bun is now the most popular hairstyle choice for desperate men who are fighting a losing battle with baldness.
MET someone you sort of know while wearing a scrap of wet lycra and nothing else? You’ll hate seeing them in these other places too.
THE Covid inquiry will turn its attention to your self-love habit during lockdown next, it has announced.
HATING Christmas is going too far, even this early, but loving it as much as these psychopaths do comes close to pushing you over the line.
A TEENAGER believes his fandom of a band that was hugely popular two decades ago makes him cool and alternative.
THE unfortunate death of a local resident has provided a charity shop with an excellent selection of secondhand books, clothes and records, it has emerged.
Sport
AN Everton fan has said the Premier League can deduct ten points but cannot take away the memories of his club's incredible last few years.
FOOTBALL fans have suggested that, since Saudi Arabia is going to host the World Cup in 2034, why not let the murdering pricks win the f**ker as well.
A COUNTRY beset by horrifying news on every front is trying to wrap itself in the warm glow of Manchester United being beaten three-nil by City.
A FEMALE football fan has openly poured scorn on women’s football in a manner that is extremely offensive to women.
THE England team are in a World Cup semi-final, but sadly only in the game of rugby.
THE Wembley arch would be facing a monumental backlash no matter what colour the lights are, it has emerged.
Science & Technology
A MAN has admitted he has no passwords left in him after years of using the internet.
CHECKING online reviews is a minefield of idiots, pricks with a vendetta, and people who are incapable of spelling anything longer than two letters. Like these.
ALL attendees at a computer literacy class for the over-70s are learning to use the internet so they can share their prejudices with the world.
EXPERTS agree with your mum that jabbing the screen with a single finger is the most effective method of text messaging.
A TEENAGE boy believes he is the coolest person in his university halls thanks to his arsenal of outdated digital downloads.
WhatsApp archives are graveyards filled with lost loves, abandoned friendships and failed career opportunities, it has emerged.
Arts & Entertainment
NETFLIX has announced plans to autoplay the next episode of every show before the current one has finished in a bid to keep viewers binge-watching.
AN unearthed interview seems to confirm that Banksy is Bristol-based artist Robin Gunningham. But if you’re got one of his undemanding artworks on your wall, what does it mean?
BRITAIN'S dads will be gathering silently in their cars and switching on their headlights in honour of Top Gear, they have confirmed.
AN upcoming Bushtucker trial will force Nigel Farage to endure confinement in a free-movement agreement between 27 Eurozone countries.
THE Outkast star is back with a head-scratching 90-minute instrumental woodwind album. Here are some other artists who have returned with truly dreadful music.
A WOMAN who has become very attached to Elizabeth Debicki’s character in The Crown hopes nothing bad happens to her this season.
Business
A SUCCESSFUL entrepreneur has confessed that she neither has a working-class background or is prepared to make one up.
WANDERED into a curious little shop only to realise it sells nothing worth buying, you’re alone and the proprietor is staring at you? Here’s how to politely free yourself.
THE government has confirmed that it will make it impossible to travel between the north and south of the UK by totally f**king up the railways.
THE proprietor of a struggling American candy business only wishes money-laundering criminal syndicates were interested in his business.
WHEN staying alone in a hotel, a man powering through a five-figure deal must seize the opportunity for the breakfast of champions. Coco Pops.
A THIRD of 18 to 34-year-olds have been inappropriately texted by staff at takeaways or delivering parcels. Here’s a handy checklist to read before sending customers a picture of your cock.
Work
EMPLOYERS have confirmed they only consider giving the top roles to candidates with top grades in their religious studies GCSEs.
A WOMAN who has been absent on medical leave has return to the office with, to her co-workers’ surprise, significantly larger breasts.
HUMAN resources want to fully exploit their humans as a resource and for them to be happy about it. These are the contradictory messages you will get this week.
BEING told off in a constructive and professional manner by a manager who only wants to help is far worse than a red-faced bollocking, workers have agreed.
A CORPORATE worker is beginning to realise that her lanyard wields no power in the outside world.
A WOMAN has asked her middle-aged son if he has considered becoming a barrister, with cancer research scientist or Oxford professor as back-up options.
Alcohol
DONCASTER is marking the 20th anniversary of wine being introduced to the city’s pubs, shops and supermarkets.
BRITISH women have triumphed against their gutless continental counterparts in the global race to be the best binge-drinkers.
A WOMAN who drank two bottles of red wine last night is determined to share her pain with everyone around her, it has emerged.
EVERYONE likes to slurp up a shot of tequila from a stripper’s belly button, but did you know you’ve been doing it wrong your whole life?
A GUEST from the US is enjoying a British celebration of Halloween without all the sobriety and costumed nonsense he’s used to.
GETTING pissed in the pub is beginner shit. Advanced drinkers should head to these places where it's weird to get half-cut, but still possible.
