YOU’RE probably not overly excited about today’s local elections. But that’s because you’re not a hardcore Reform voter. Here’s what they’re imagining.

BORED? Sick of all the mainstream parties? Ready for a harmless protest vote that will put a person categorically unfit for political office onto your council? Here’s how.

THE controversial Irish rap act Kneecap have issued a new statement in the light of their call to kill MPs and back Hezbollah, reading simply ‘Oh shit’.

A MAN who learned nothing from the charlatans and liars who brought him a Brexit that improved his life not even slightly is excited to vote for Reform.

TERRIFIED of a Reform wipeout in local elections, Labour is steeling itself to be as racist as it can. But what do actual right-wing voters think? Roy Hobbs gives his verdict.

MOURNERS are rightly ripping into the music a deceased man requested for his funeral.

THE sight of horribly out of shape men walking around topless is massively boosting everyone's self-esteem, it has emerged.

BRUTAL nautical punishments would be a more fitting penalty for headphone dodgers than a £1,000 fine, commuters agree.

A CYCLIST is gratified that the severe danger he poses to innocent pedestrians is finally being recognised in law.

IS your child so much more special than the others they need extra time to do their exams? Could there be any doubt? Give yourself as long as you need for these questions.

THE world is mourning Pope Francis, but how does he stand up against your own top ten pontiffs? We check the rankings.

THE government has banned schools from forcing pupils to buy more than three branded items a year. But it cannot stop kids twisting the uniform code in the most dickish of ways.

CARING husband Stephen Malley has noticed his wife is struggling to balance work and childcare and, like a hero, has come up with a gorgeous Mediterranean solution.

HELLO, I’m Wayne Hayes and there isn’t a service station I’ve haven’t visited in my well-maintained Dacia Sandero. These are indisputably the best.

AN OPPORTUNISTIC wedding planner is earning up to £2,400 per wedding for providing couples with a bespoke day identical to every other one.

A MAN obviously considers his beard and moustache to be the best thing he has ever done with his life, and may sadly be correct.

A MAN’S internal biological rhythms are telling him it is time to become a dad who does the absolute bare minimum.

A 63-YEAR-OLD man has explained to his grandchildren that once, Liverpool were just as successful and twatty about it as Manchester City are today.

COMPETITORS in the London Marathon are running into an actual, physical wall and attempting to grittily push through it.

FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League.

GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.

NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?

THE matriarch of a xenomorph hive is to join Katy Perry on today’s all-female space launch, it has been confirmed.

A UK-based bellend is frustrated he cannot advertise his credentials as his area’s leading arsehole by driving a Tesla Cybertruck.

TEENAGERS have asserted there is no way anyone could ban their phones or social media because they have no idea.

THE government believes AI will save Britain, but before hopping on this particular bandwagon, maybe it should consider these glaring issues?

KNEECAP may have said a few controversial things but at least they aren’t going to embarrassingly croak out Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? Clearly these acts should be banned instead.

GOT charisma? Can’t sing? Don’t let it stop you stepping up to the mic for a lengthy career. When the tune gets too tricky just talk your way through, like these legends.

ARE you fond of certain musical acts but know you’d be horribly out of place in their actual audience? Here are some you have slight reservations about listening to.

INTERNET scammers have performed the public service of removing wealth from Oasis fans and returning it to the wider, non-Oasis-based economy.

MUSIC festivals are boring, tiring and you are an arsehole when you are drunk, children have told their parents.

UNACCOUNTABLY, it appears acting the twat in front of the whole world can damage perceptions of you. No matter. This is my genius plan to turn that around.

THE UK is re-examining its long-held belief that allowing foreign billionaires to control every aspect of its daily life is a simply brilliant idea.

HIGH street WH Smith shops will be renamed TGJones after a £76 million buyout. Do you have an alternative name?

GETTING a group of co-workers to mesh can be a challenge, but you don’t need to waste money on wanky team-building events. Simply appeal to their basest instincts, like this...

AN office worker is struggling to remember how to look busy while accomplishing nothing after four days of total leisure.

‘YOU’RE fired’ is so harsh and Trumpian. A caring workplace focused on your wellbeing will use these euphemisms to soften the blow.

A WOMAN given a new role and job title is unsure whether she is being recognised for her outstanding work or treated like a prize twat.

THE customer contact teams at all Heathrow-based airlines have been given a surprise Friday off to spend at their leisure.

TOUGH decisions about who is deserving of disability benefits and who is not are to be outsourced to solid, dependable daytime drinkers.

A MAN has looked at the power cut across Spain, considered his options, and decided that in similar circumstances in the UK he would get pissed.

MOCKED as the alcoholic beverages of choice for builders and bus-stop pissheads, these drinks are ripe for gentrification in Shoreditch pop-up bars.

EASTER is less popular with Brits than Christmas or other bank holidays because it’s not a licence to get totally shitfaced. Here’s how to liven it up with games involving alcohol abuse.

REGULARS at a pub quiz have confirmed it is a battle arena at which they release their repressed masculinity via knowledge of trivia.

A MAN who ordered a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc for the table is completely confident in his heterosexuality, it has emerged.