LOOK away if you do not want to ruin the outcome, but Tory peer Michelle Mone will pay back none of the £122m she ripped Britain off for and will face no consequences.

NEED to steer the conversation away from how Reform UK’s former leader in Wales took Russian bribes, in case the electorate hears? Follow this step-by-step BBC guide.

I WENT walking around Handsworth in Birmingham the other week. And do you know what? Not one of its many residents made me more comfortable by ‘whiting up’.

DEALERS at the Conservative Party conference are struggling to move cocaine but cannot keep opioids in stock, they have confirmed.

CARDIFF plans to charge SUV drivers more to park, an idea that may be adopted elsewhere. But given the annoyance value of these vehicles, harsher measures are in order. Like these.

TWO old men sitting in a pub in silence have explained that their personal bond is so strong it is unnecessary to ever have a conversation.

A CLASS of GCSE schoolchildren are sniggering at an ancient educational video made back in the depths of 2004, they have confirmed.

HELLO, I’m Miss Traherne. I’ve written it on the whiteboard for you. Today we’ll be learning about the inevitable downfall of the ruling class, like Mr Farage says.

EXPERTS have warned that a new financial crisis which you did nothing to contribute to but will f**k you right up is coming, so bad luck.

KEMI Badenoch wants to curb English degrees due to their ‘poor graduate outcomes’. But she should realise there are many excellent reasons to do them. Like these.

VISITED a home full of motivational signs encouraging anything deeper than gin consumption? Can’t help but take down their bullshit? These stand up to zero scrutiny.

SEX is temporary, and one day we will all make love for the final time. But when will yours be?

A RYANAIR jet came within six minutes of running out of fuel, it has emerged. So what extra charges might you face if one of their flights turns into an aviation disaster?

ALL five of the people who meet for a weekly Dungeons & Dragons session believe they are the kind of cool person you would not expect to play it, it has emerged.

A MAN has ruined an atmosphere of growing sexual tension by saying he feels 'horny', it has emerged.

MEN getting into a new relationship often want to take things slow, but why? Find out with this depressingly honest guide.

DATERS on the apps are increasingly using AI to do the difficult early bits of relationships for them. Have you been lured into sex by a large language model? These are the signs.

A MAN on holiday with his girlfriend does not realise she, her colleagues, her friends, her family and the night shift at an M&S Food in Portsmouth are waiting for him to propose.

A 32-YEAR-OLD man who dedicates his leisure time to f**king then ghosting women insists his behaviour is motivated by his sense of civic duty.

FULFILLED and long-lasting relationships are those where the man is less attractive than his partner and knows it, experts have confirmed.

GREAT. Now I can specify my erotic needs – Scarlett Johansson, H-cups, PSCO outfit – and ChatGPT will spin up a bespoke scenario. And I’m meant to leave the house?

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

NOBEL Prizes are being given out, but do not impress Britain’s many idiots who believe anything they fail to understand is simple. Wayne Hayes explains why they’re bollocks.

AN experiment in taking technology away from teenagers has seen them turn to mead, chainmail, and riding out under the banner of heaven to cleanse heathen lands.

A NEW book is claiming Margaret Thatcher had not one but two affairs. And by an amazing coincidence Jilly Cooper was working on a novel about this very subject. Here are some extracts.

A STREAMING platform’s sole worthwhile show is struggling to justify a monthly fee of £14.99, it has admitted.

THE Mercury Prize is announced tomorrow, and nobody will be asking your opinion because you’re 53. Nonetheless, prepare for imaginary conversations with this guide.

KYLIE Jenner has released a single as a bid for attention that is only music-based by happenstance. She joins these artists in her indifference.

THE music business is rife with petty arguments between two equally despicable artists. These high-profile disputes should have ended in mutual destruction.

A MAN still mentally classifies music from nearly a decade ago as new, fresh and unfair to expect him to have an opinion on.

PRINCE Andrew believes he is fine as long as the letter where he bonds with Jeffrey Epstein about their shared love of underage girls has not surfaced.

A NEW documentary about Victoria Beckham has turned Britain’s world upside down by revealing she had an eating disorder in the 1990s. How are you coping?

A CAREER based in large part on sexual intercourse makes the tributes slightly awkward when you pass on. These luminaries will be tough to remember respectfully.

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.

HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.

HOME from the pub but don’t want the party to end yet? Behold, five questionable mixers you can make without nipping back out to the corner shop.

ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted.

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.

WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.