REFORM party officials are recruiting candidates to run local councils from branches of Wetherspoons, they have confirmed.

COUNCIL elections are back on and the Greens are polling where they shouldn’t be in Gorton and Denton. So our helpful media have provided reasons not to vote for them.

THE prime minister is limping from scandal to outrage to scandal, which has nothing to do with the right-wing media wanting him out. What will his next one be?

ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor is currently bemused to see patches of moisture appearing on his body, it has emerged.

THE Arctic blast sweeping parts of the UK could be hazardous, especially to your wanking. Here’s how to get yourself off safely in icy conditions.

A PUB’S diversifying clientele has separated into groupings of those who wear the same brands as the professionals and those who dress from Sports Direct.

THINK you know your history? Prepare to be shocked as you discover everything they taught you in school was a lie.

MARTYN Lewis has criticised the student loan system which leaves graduates with unpayable debts of £53,000. Was your time at uni worth such a hefty sum?

A MAN has discovered an open-minded, harmonious clarity which makes the world seem a wonderful place and all problems surmountable moment after ejaculating.

THE worst of all half-terms is here, and the streets are teeming with crazed children and their anguished guardians. Looking to escape them? Try these sanctuaries.

STAG and hen dos are now a f**king nightmare for everyone involved, so baby showers were the logical next step.

THE government’s new Fuel Finder scheme will send drivers rushing about for cheaper petrol to save a breathtaking £40 a year. Here’s how to let it take over your life.

A 40-YEAR-OLD man has insisted that quitting his job, moving his stuff into storage and going travelling to find himself is definitely not a sign that his life has quietly derailed.

FINES for taking children on term-time holidays have hit a record high, so all the more reason to pretend it was a vital experience and not just arsing around somewhere hot. Try these excuses.

A MAN who has no time to himself due to his three children is jealous of victims of the male loneliness epidemic.

A MAN’S preferred positions for intercourse are the ones where he can lie back and enjoy the view, it has emerged.

A WOMAN who has met a man she does not immediately want to end her date with and never see again has no idea what her next steps should be.

WOMEN are no longer allowed to have sex with men because the asymmetrical power dynamic is ‘just horrific’, according to Gen Z.

A MAN about to meet his girlfriend’s father has been told what a kind, wonderful person he is and also not to get onto the subject of certain people’s right to live.

BABE, I know you think romance is about candlelit dinners and poetry. But isn’t it also about giving each other gifts that are heartfelt and eternal?

TOMORROW is Valentine’s day, and you also need milk and kitchen roll. What does the afterthought of a card you slip into the basket say about your love?

HUMANITY has always known that, once a sentient AI was created, it would take over the world. But it never knew why, and nor did I until this stripping ban.

THE UK is to ban social media for anyone under 16 and anyone over 18, leaving a two-year window to make an absolute twat of yourself online.

FAKE images of undressed women are why technology exists, but are they better than an actual woman? Tech reviewer Tom Logan road-tested both.

THE latest item of the recent past disinterred and fetishised by Gen Z bellends is the enormous brick telephone of the 1980s.

NEW Year means nudification to Elon Musk’s deranged AI stripping women on social media. If you need to see ladies in bikinis, these are more dignified than using Grok.

A ONE-WOMAN stage version of Dracula was as bad as anyone imagining a one-woman Dracula would naturally assume, critics have agreed.

THE right wing has no artists of any merit, and that makes them sad. Consequently they have decided they’re drafting these into their movement without consent.

AN academic specialising in the work of Emily Brontë revealed that fictional character Heathcliff should resemble ex-prime minister Rishi Sunak in both appearance and speech.

NOSTALGIA for the 90s is back again, but for every Wonderwall there’s a Mike Flowers Pops version of Wonderwall. These bands of the era are still going despite a surely ever-diminishing fanbase.

RIGHT-WING musicians are few and far between and universally twats. Coincidence, or could there be some mysterious causal connection? Let’s investigate.

CINEMAGOERS will soon discover that Wuthering Heights could be half as long with a nice happy ending if any character had basic common sense. Also true of these.

TRUMP has used the death of Jesse Jackson to be mildly racist, mention himself and attack Barack Obama. Here are more of his tributes to the recently deceased.

AN odd thing to emerge from the Epstein files is that Fergie seems to be constantly on the lookout for a man. Could you be that lucky guy? Let’s consider the pros and cons.

HALLE Berry is the latest celeb to say she won’t be sidelined because of her age, although it helps that she’s extremely attractive anyway. Here are some more heroic age-defiers.

PARENTS watching their children play in a under-14s game alongside fellow mum Madonna have described conversation as ‘excruciatingly uncomfortable’.

SARAH Ferguson needs stuff and is not afraid to repeatedly hassle anyone in a better position than her for help. Are you at risk of being her next target?

AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.

NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.

ARE you unsure if your colleagues are genuinely sad to see you go? If you received any of these leaving presents, the answer is ‘no’.

A WOMAN has made up a feline scapegoat to blame for any personal noises or interruptions when in meetings with co-workers.

THOUGHT just being aware of mental health was enough? No. These are the uniquely detrimental generational challenges that you, as my employer, should be considering.

BRITAIN’S pubs are on the brink of collapse. You must do your bit to save them by drinking heavily during the day, and more.

BURNS Night is this Sunday, and if you’re thinking that provides a solid excuse to get smashed in January you’re half Scottish already. This is how to do it.

A MAN who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake.

I WISH to make it clear that I do not hate pubs, in fact I am a huge fan of these places you like. How boring would life be without a lovely pint of Wife Beater and a game of ‘arrows’?