News

Squeezing fruit: five unacceptable things to do in a supermarket during a pandemic

WITH Christmas fast approaching, you’ll be spending a frightening amount of time and money in the supermarket. But what should you definitely not do while shopping during a pandemic?

Wrestle a puma, and five other things Laurence Fox will do for attention

IT'S been almost a week since right-wing darling Laurence Fox was in the news for hosting a large gathering. With the oxygen of publicity running low, how will he get attention next? 

Colleague who suggested 'virtual secret Santa' told to piss off

AN office worker who floated the idea of doing a virtual secret Santa has been told to piss off by colleagues, it has been confirmed.

Short shag and curtain bang: hair styles or sex positions?

ARE you confused by people talking about things that could either be a haircut that would never suit you or a sex position you would never be able to make work? Here is a guide.

Girlfriend's cupboard space now 90 per cent flavoured teas

A BOYFRIEND has been shocked to discover his girlfriend has obsessively filled her cupboard space with an array of bizarrely flavoured teas.

How to convince yourself social media is more trustworthy than real news

DO you find that things you read in the ‘mainstream media’ don't fit with your insane beliefs? Here’s how to convince yourself social media is more credible.

Announcement of vaccine not the same as being vaccinated, idiots told

IDIOTS have been warned that merely ordering a vaccine does not make them immediately immune to Covid.

It's not sodding aliens: Where those monoliths probably came from

INTRIGUED by the mysterious monoliths that have been springing up around the world? Here are the boring places they probably came from.

Is everything too London-centric or do you just live in Wigan?

SICK of the government and media being so London-centric? You might have a valid point, or it’s possible you simply live in Wigan.

Everyone back in the shops because we have learned absolutely nothing

TODAY is being dubbed Wild Wednesday because everyone in England is once again thronging the shops proving that we have learned nothing.

Armchair WWII Veteran, and other new courses at the University of Life

BITTER that you dicked around at the School of Hard Knocks and have no formal qualifications? Order the University of Life’s new prospectus.

Rita Ora's guide to your 30th birthday being more important than a mere pandemic

HI, I’M Rita Ora, the pop star you can’t name any hits by. Would you like to make a ‘serious and inexcusable error of judgement’ like me?