Five films from your childhood to screw up your kids with

DO you think it’s only fair that your kids should suffer through the films that traumatised you as a child?

Kids sent home from school with whole year's worth of sh*t

CHILDREN are unexpectedly appearing at the school gates with a full year’s worth of books, artwork, homework and all the other crap, parents have confirmed.

Six phrases that instantly single you out as an absolute b*llend

MET someone who believes ‘gin o’clock!’ is the last word in wit? What a great timesaver to discovering they’re a tedious c*ck. Watch out for these:

Holding up traffic best part of tractor driver's day

A TRACTOR driver holding up a long queue of traffic on an A-road has admitted he is absolutely f**king loving it.

Self-help book really giving woman the confidence to bang on about her problems

A POP psychology book has really helped a woman unburden herself of her trivial, tedious problems to everyone she meets.

Is saying 'Go back to your own country' racist or are you f**king kidding me?

IS telling someone non-white to go back to their own country, as President Trump did, racist or are you seriously asking that question?

Office worker having lovely day off in office

AN office worker has taken a much needed day off for rest and relaxation within the confines of his office. 

Exorcism casts vegan cheese straight back to hell

VEGAN cheese has been cast back into the hell from which it was spawned from, exorcists have confirmed.

Wetherspoons to replace foreign beers with bags of glue

JD Wetherspoons has confirmed that it will be removing all foreign drinks from its pubs and replacing them with proper British bags of sniffing glue.

Eco-friendly couple discover their marriage is disposable

A COUPLE who are strict vegans, wear upcycled clothing and go on holiday by train have realised their marriage is toxic and disposable.

Are you a far-right extremist or were you just picked last for football in school?

FILLED with hate? Directing it at vulnerable targets? You could be a neo-Nazi, or you could be kicking out at the world because Darren Jackson always got picked before you at football.

How to justify your long-haul holiday to your socially conscious friends

SPENDING thousands on a fancy summer holiday but worried about being looked down on by your sanctimonious friends? Here’s how to get away with it.