Brits immune to coronavirus after four pints

PEOPLE develop immunity to coronavirus after consuming four pints of beer, drunk people have confirmed.

British policeman outraged at US police for all the cool shit they've got

A BRITISH policeman has admitted he is furious at the sheer amount of cool shit his American counterparts have got.

Your guide to being a coronavirus twat at the seaside

IT’S sunny, so ignore coronavirus completely and get yourself down to the nearest crowded seaside town. Here’s how to be as irresponsible as possible.

The Guardian's guide to why you shouldn't enjoy that

OH dear, it looks like you’re enjoying something which the Guardian says you shouldn't. Here staff writer Nathan Muir explains how to feel guilty about everything.

All the people your elderly parents have had round while they've been isolating

YOUR elderly parents are in a high-risk group so they haven't left the house or let anyone in for the last 10 weeks. Apart from the following:

Scrupulous married couple imposing own sex ban

A MARRIED couple have been carefully avoiding sexual intercourse for months despite not being told to do so.

Woman manages three whole pages of her lockdown book

A WOMAN managed to make it through three pages of the book she planned to read during lockdown before calling it a day.

Man realises he's been invited to vegetarian barbecue

A MAN realised to his horror that he had been invited to a barbecue for vegetarians.

Bankers who stole everything told now might be good time to give it back

THE bankers who were given a shedload of money in 2008 have been told that now might be a good time to give it back.

Masks to be compulsory for the poor, government announces

THE government has ordered anyone who uses public transport, shops at Asda or whose home is in council tax bands A-C to wear facemasks. 

How to struggle through a socially distanced date when you can't just shag

DO you normally stop the awkwardness of a first date by getting drunk and having sex? Here’s how to cope now that’s not allowed.

Five kids' projects for f**king desperate parents

FOR many parents, your kids going back to school is a distant dream and you’ve used up all your ideas for child-friendly fun. Here are five projects if you’re utterly desperate.