Trump administration to give Farage his own kennel
DONALD Trump’s transition team has already secured a kennel and water bowl for Nigel Farage to use when he visits America.
THE Prince of Wales has confessed that his 2024 has been so difficult it has almost hit the level of an ordinary Briton’s year.
AN apathetic man is unaware he and his girlfriend are in a polyamorous relationship, it has emerged.
TO make America even greater? Make it larger. I plead with you, President Trump, to end our socialist misery and annexe the UK.
THE prospect of a second Trump presidency poses lots of terrifying questions. Here are your worst fears analysed and confirmed.
INITIATING the act of love is a fine art. Don’t mess it up by taking your cue from any of the following.
DONALD Trump has promised his supporters a raft of new policies when taking office. Here’s what he’ll do instead.
WANT to call someone an irritating bellend but can’t get away with it in present company? Try using these phrases instead: .
MOVE aside, gun-toting, flag-waving, antler-wearing rioters, lefties can be just as angry and ready to reclaim the election by force. Well, by asking nicely. Here's how.
Politics
KEMI Badenoch has told interviewers her key fight as Conservative leader will be with herself – and that she intends to win.
BRITONS will be gleefully watching effigies of Guy Fawkes burn this weekend. But would the UK be a better place if his plot had succeeded?
YOUNG girls up and down the country have been inspired by first female chancellor Rachel Reeves slashing the price of a pint by 1p.
RACHEL Reeves has delivered a tax-raising budget with notable concessions. But are you still confused as to whether you’ll have more cash for alcohol and trainers and whatnot?
RACHEL Reeves will take the edge off the Budget by delivering it with edgy quips in the style of an American awards show host.
Society
DEPENDING on how badly your life is going, yesterday’s Budget will affect you differently. Here are the winners and losers of Rachel Reeves’ decision to tax and spend.
DON’T get me wrong, I love having some Poppy Day disrespect to moan about. But it’s getting earlier every year, and it doesn’t feel right calling someone a traitor in October.
AN Asian man out for a curry with his new office colleagues has been quizzed about Indian food as if he somehow has an innate knowledge of it.
A PAIR of moneyed new parents have given their beautiful, hours-old daughter a name best suited to a sour schoolmarm who lived a hundred years ago.
Labour have been criticised for saying landlords cannot be viewed to be working as human beings. What do you think?
Lifestyle
A DICKISH couple are certain people from miles around will gratefully gaze at the huge free fireworks display they are putting on.
AN uptight bed showroom is stupidly not letting customers find out how good the mattresses are for shagging on.
HALLOWEEN is a time for ghosts, ghouls and women who want an excuse to wear revealing costumes. If you’re going to regret dressing as a slutty witch here are some outfits which are hard to sexualise.
RURAL villages that mark Halloween with funny old-fashioned ceremonies always kill someone at the end, it has emerged.
A COUPLE seeking a romantic autumnal activity have chosen to mutually hack apart a huge, slimy squash.
LIFE is dull. Inject the seedy glamour of organised crime into your day by turning mundane activities into Hollywood fantasies.
Sport
THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.
THOMAS Tuchel has nobly accepted his career as a football manager who won trophies is in the past and begun a long, sad slide into irrelevance.
ENGLAND played five strikers on Thursday and lost. Logic dictates they should therefore increase the number of strikers to 11 for Sunday’s game, but will they?
NOBODY seems to want the England job and fans believe anyone could do it better than Gareth Southgate, so should we let this lad Lee Carsley do it?
Science & Technology
A WARM, loving message from a father is clearly a scam designed to trick his son out of money.
THE business-focused social media network LinkedIn has just begun an exciting new role rigging presidential elections in the United States. Click here to add your congratulations!
THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.
GOOGLE is wondering if you meant a different search term which requires less effort and more showing of sponsored posts, it has confirmed.
Arts & Entertainment
LIAM Payne’s track Do No Wrong is being released uncomfortably soon after his death. But it’s not the first questionable musical tribute to a deceased individual.
MUSIC fans around the world are joining in the fun pretence that they would love to hear a new album by Kate Bush.
KEIRA Knightley has written a children’s book, based on no literary merit other than being in Pride & Prejudice. Here are some more famous people who really shouldn’t bother either.
AN artificial intelligence trained on Radiohead’s music can produced precisely two good albums before dissolving into an electronic morass, researchers have found.
YOU bought their records, and now they want you to buy appalling artwork which proves their talent is solely musical. None of these would be hung on merit.
Business
WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened.
A GROUP of natural Tories have warned Labour to run the country in their best interests or every one of them will have left the country by Friday.
ARE you concerned that when the inevitable call from banking scammers arrives, you will be too savvy to fall for it and end up keeping all your money? Follow these steps.
RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.
TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything.
Work
A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has emerged.
A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her.
A BOSS is hoping that his employee’s five year plan aligns with his own vision of an increased workload for decreased compensation.
A BUSINESS is rethinking its morale-boosting strategy of asking staff to bring children to work after a group of teenage girls tore them to shreds.
Alcohol
APPRECIATORS of super-strength lager's complex flavours feel they have been ignored in Rachel Reeves’ budget.
A MAN is not tight or anything, he just thinks it is daft to spend a fiver on a pint.
MORE than 60 per cent of craft beer is brewed by big bastard corporations rather than independent bearded wankers, research has found.
A GROUP of work colleagues have been assured by a co-worker that they can continue their drinking at a great bar situated a mere 45 minute walk away.
A NEW range of boutique 12 per cent lagers are the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals at upscale dinner parties.