Can you guess the Tory MP by their blackmail sex scandal? A fun game for families

EVERYONE loves Conservative MPs and their propensity to stumble into hilarious sex outrages. Gather the family around and match the backbencher to their scandal!

Sean Lennon and James McCartney, and other nepo babies you're delighted to see fail

THE children of two of The Beatles have released a terrible, insipid single together. Which other nepo-babies are busily ruining their parents’ good names?

A man's guide to reacting to criticism of Sydney Sweeney as if she's your girlfriend

A HOLLYWOOD producer has claimed Sydney Sweeney is ‘not pretty and can’t act’. This is obviously a disgusting lie, so here’s how to react like a besotted male.

We ask you: will you go in the shop and buy a 34-year-old cigarettes in two decades' time?
OUTSIDE the newsagent in the year 2044 lurk two men in their early thirties. They hold up a £40 note and ask you to get them a packet of Silk Cut. Will you?
Woman incorrectly believes she could have back up career on OnlyFans

A WOMAN mistakenly believes that she could make a fortune on OnlyFans if she were to compromise her morals enough to sign up.

Hannah Fry, and the other top candidates to be the thinking man's crumpet

RANDY intellectual types are on the lookout for a new muse now Rachel Riley has disgraced herself. These are the top candidates in the line of succession.

Man who can't grow beard not letting that stop him

A MAN who is only able to grow a few wisps of hair from the bottom of his face is not letting it stop him labelling himself as ‘bearded’, it has emerged.

Nicola Peltz, and other celebs so talentless going out with them would be a minefield

NICOLA Peltz, heiress and wife of Brooklyn Beckham, has had her vanity project film utterly demolished by critics. So if you were the partner of a no-talent celeb, how would you avoid the issue?

Long-term sickness: is it as fun as the media make it sound?

MORE than 2.8 million Britons are living it up by being too ill to work, instead revelling in long, lazy days untroubled by responsibility. But is there a downside?

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'Oh what, like you've never sent a hostile foreign power nudes?' says Tory MP

CONSERVATIVE MP William Wragg has told people judging him for sending nudes to a foreign agent they have undoubtedly done the same or worse themselves.

New Year's Eve, and five other times in 2024 that would be best for Sunak to call an election

COULD a cleverly chosen date for the election swing it for Rishi Sunak? It’s unlikely he’s got any other brilliant strategies, so here are some days he should keep in mind.

Scottish police to look like dicks either way

SCOTTISH police have confirmed they will look like big fascist knobs if they arrest JK Rowling and limp little willys if they do not.

We ask you: when should Rishi Sunak get his arse kicked at a general election?

THE prime minister has been accused of chickening out of calling a general election by Labour. When should he go to the country and lose?

We will give every child a pack of fags on their 15th birthday, says Labour
THE opposition has defied the government’s smoking ban by pledging to give every child a pack of 20 cigarettes on their 15th birthday.


We ask you: how dangerously triggered are you by foreigners doing benefit fraud?

A BULGARIAN criminal gang has stolen a record £53.9 million with fake Universal Credit claims over four years. So how unfeasibly angry does it make you, and should you call an ambulance?

Pothole given listed status

A COUNCIL has granted a local pothole listed status in order to preserve it for future generations to enjoy, it has emerged.

Lancashire still trying to pretend it has Yorkshire levels of identity

LANCASHIRE is still attempting to convince people it has the same cultural clout as its geographical neighbour and bitter rival, it has emerged.

We ask you: who are you making a hate crime complaint about?

SCOTS holding grudges are rushing to make hate crime complaints under new laws. Who are you reporting to the authorities?

Badgers still unable to cross a f**king road

BADGERS remain utterly incapable of crossing roads while avoiding oncoming traffic, anyone who drove through a rural area over the weekend has confirmed.

Atheists unable to explain how evolution could make egg-laying bunny

ATHEISTS who reject religious doctrine have admitted nothing in their precious science can provide an explanation for the existence of the Easter Bunny.

How to absolutely, comprehensively lose your shit if your child doesn't get their first-choice primary school
YOUR child has been condemned to educational subnormality and a career washing wheelie bins by being denied their first-choice primary. How should you freak out?


How to be shit at gossiping, by a man

DOES the minutiae of people’s personal lives somehow fail to grip you? It might be because you’re a man. Here Martin Bishop explains how to be useless at spreading tittle-tattle.

Couple conceive second child as long-term investment to stop first one hassling them

A COUPLE are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one, they have confirmed.

Seven magical family days out by rail you'll spend at Euston Station

AFTER a chaotic Bank Holiday weekend, Euston was at a standstill again yesterday. But Network Rail keeps urging us to have family days out by train, so here are some great places you won’t get to.

'The females don their cock deely-boppers for the ritual to commence': Sir David Attenborough narrates a hen party

NATURALIST, naturist and national treasure Sir David Attenborough has turned his analytical eye to the brutal and feral rituals of the hen party.

Six knobheads that will never reply to your message

ARE you a grump for suspecting your message will be ignored as you press ‘send’? No, because you’re contacting one of these feckless bastards.

Girlfriend marks territory by leaving hair bobbles around boyfriend's flat
A MAN'S new girlfriend is asserting her presences and scaring away rivals by leaving hair ties in every room of his home.


We ask you: is it time to kick out England's most successful manager since 1966 for being shit?

GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?

People who don't follow football still under impression Man United are amazing 

MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.

Newborn in Liverpool shirt fake fan and glory hunter

A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.

We ask you: how will football's new blue cards unfairly punish your club?

FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?

Rachel Riley's favourite things to tweet about despite not knowing all the facts
HI! I’m attractive, famous and went to Oxford so I can do no wrong, even when making wild and it transpires incorrect assumptions in tweets. I also opine on these subjects.

Science & Technology

'I've always hated you': What your friend said in their deleted WhatsApp message

WHATSAPP loves shit-stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message. Here’s a reasonable guess at what they said.

There never was a 'Kate', Palace admits

BUCKINGHAM Palace has admitted that no such person as ‘Kate Middleton’ ever existed outside of digital imaging software.

A single initial, and other twatty ways to sign off an email

SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the twattiest sign-offs to avoid.

Dad's photo memories just pictures of meter readings and wifi passwords

A HEART-WARMING montage of recent images created by a father’s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and Wi-Fi router codes.

Six ways to imply that you just got laid on social media

SEX, like justice, must not only be done but be seen to be done. But when signalling to friends, family and work colleagues from 2008 that you’ve recently done it be subtle.

Mash Blind Date: will Donald Trump and his lawyer trying to shut him the f**k up find their happy place?
CAN Donald Trump and his own lawyer, who is desperately trying to stop him committing further crimes while on trial for crimes, meet in body and soul?

Arts & Entertainment

Seven ways the inevitable OJ Simpson TV drama will be terrible

THERE is not a cat in hell’s chance that the death of OJ Simpson won’t result in a rubbish TV drama. And if recent efforts like Netflix’s Scoop are anything to go by, this is what it will be like.

'Juliet is white in the film': The racist moron's guide to Shakespeare

A NEW production of Romeo and Juliet featuring a black actress as Juliet has attracted racist abuse. Here bigot Roy Hobbs explains why the Bard wasn’t woke.

Joaquin Phoenix's Joker really speaks to my sense of not having sex. By Martin Bishop

JOKER really spoke to young men like me. My generation faces economic uncertainty, the end of traditional gender roles, and the possibility of having to hollow out a melon to have something a bit like sex.

'How do you spell cheugy?': The new piss-easy Gen Z version of Scrabble

THE makers of Scrabble have launched a new version which is ‘less competitive’ for Generation Z. This sounds like bollocks, so what can fans of the tiresome board game expect?

Lost rave tribe found beneath Hacienda

A SEMI-MYTHICAL group of troglodyte ravers has been discovered by workmen at Manchester’s legendary Hacienda.

Amanda Holden, and other celebs we're fine with keeping their clothes on

YESTERDAY Amanda Holden got naked on Heart FM, proving you can have too much of a good thing. And if these celebs want to try wearing clothes for a change, we’re cool with that.


Post Office blames postmasters for counterfeit stamps, bad weather and the decline of the Arctic Monkeys

THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.

Thames Water also full of shit

THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised.

Rail replacement buses, and other pains in the arse it should be illegal to charge for

‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it.

Five reasons your thirties are better than your twenties, if you're in denial
ATTEMPTING to convince yourself physical decline, burdensome responsibilities and heightened stress are a good thing? Here’s why you’re so glad to be in your thirties.


Trip to office printer like a little holiday

WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.

Workplace safety assessment finds main hazard being around twats all day

WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.

Emergency plumber drunk on godlike power

AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.

I hate my life, says only honest person on LinkedIn

THE only honest profile on LinkedIn has shared that he hates his job, boss and life and could not give a free-form f**k about his employer’s strategic vision.

Six things that f**k over your chances of getting out of work on time

HOPING to finish work bang on time for once? No chance. One of these twists of fate is about to royally screw you over.

Man who just went on LinkedIn still feels dirty

A MAN who went on LinkedIn for five minutes is consumed with self-loathing after hitting ‘like’ on several posts of tedious self-promotional bullshit.

Gelato just ice cream for wankers, study finds
A NEW study has found there are no substantial differences between ice cream and gelato other than the latter is consumed by knobheads.


The sordid details of your sex life: Things you'll deeply regret telling your mates when pissed

DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions. 

Every type of British person able to afford to drink every day

INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to.

Lads' pub chat dries up after all 90s footballers named

A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.

Pre-drinking effortlessly dovetails into proper drinking

A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.

Night out with mates disappointingly good in the end

A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.

Five reasons school night hangovers are worse than weekend hangovers

WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night.

Ten Years To Clear Up My F**king Mess: Liz Truss's new book, rewritten by the electorate
49-DAY prime minister Liz Truss has released a new book detailing her plan to save the world. Britain has notes.