the dailymash

Your astrological week ahead for April 27th, with Psychic Bob

High five. Up high. Down low. Too slow. You felt a pit open up in your stomach just reading that.

Deep Heat, Piriton, and other useless medicines only recommended by girlfriends

SUFFERING? Girlfriend implying it’s your own fault because you refuse to take the feeble medications she recommends? These are no different to homeopathy.

We ask you: are your children boozing enough?

ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?

Scotland to give up

Captain Tom's house to become migrant processing centre

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... a shitty week for horses

WAKING up with a hangover, I realised the binmen had come to recycle my bottles, but it seems the sudden noise caused Household Cavalry horses to rear up and gallop frenziedly through the streets of Central London. 

How to be a strong leader everybody loves: Sunak's guide for Yousaf

HUMZA, buddy, I’ve just seen the news. Bad luck, mate. Not everyone can be universally adored like me. Want to know how I do it? I’ll let you into a few secrets.

Girlfriends keen to break snuggling-sex connection

GIRLFRIENDS have once again confirmed their desire to snuggle is unrelated to any desire to be penetrated with a penis.