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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I love my job but I'm thinking of leaving because my boss is a lecherous old git. He doesn't trust me, so he's always hanging around watching over me and making inappropriate comments about the quality of my work...

Government To Tackle Child Poverty With Fabulous New Production Of 'Oliver!'

THE government is to lift 300,000 London children out of severe poverty by staging the world's biggest production of Oliver!.

Hear'Say Reform As Vigilante Group

FORMER pop sensations Hear'say have reunited to dish out brutal street-style justice to Britain's hardest thugs.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You've tried hard to juggle your domestic family life with a series of sordid one night stands and longer running affairs with deeply damaged and needy individuals. And it's worked. Well done.

UK Economy Grows By Fifteen Pence

BRITAIN emerged from recession today as the economy grew by 15p.

Chimp To Direct Sherlock Holmes Sequel

AN EIGHT-year old chimp named Boko will direct the follow-up to Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes after his debut was rated as more coherent than Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels.

All Bad Things Caused By Vhs Copy Of 'Ghoulies', Says Cameron

A BAN on poor-quality horror films from the 1980s will stop all the bad things from happening, Tory leader David Cameron has claimed.

Latent Homosexuality Drops To 36%

JUST over one third of the UK population is still claiming that same sex relationships are wrong while secretly dreaming of hot gay action, according to new research.