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Computer Game Fan No Time To Masturbate
TOP World of Warcraft player Jason Stibbles could be forced to give up masturbation altogether after the hugely popular online game unveiled its new expansion called Wrath of the Lich King.
Crocs Link To Smugness And Idiocy
WEARING Crocs shoes will transform you from a normal adult into a horribly self-satisfied and “self-consciously whacky tosser”, leading doctors warned last night.
One Woman's Week: God Is With Me
By Karen Fenessey
I don’t know if it’s like this all over the country, but summer seems to be a total disappointment this year. I, for one, believe that this is all down to emissions from greenhouse gases and I make a point of ramming this home to my class of planet-killing P2s, who spend more time leaking out radioactive rays on their silly X-boxes than lowering the damage left all over the world by their grubby carbon fingerprints.
US Government Loses 200,000 Iraqis In Iraq
THE US Army has mislaid 200,000 Iraqi civilians in the last four years but thinks most of them have probably just gone on holiday for a "bit of a break".
Langham Classed As 'Townshend Category' Child Porn User
ACTOR Chris Langham is expected to quickly revive his showbusiness career after being classed as a "Townshend Category" child porn user.
Patrick Duffy Challenges Putin Claim To Arctic Seabed
PATRICK Duffy, the Man from Atlantis, is to launch a legal bid on behalf of millions of sea creatures to prevent a Russian takeover of the deep.
'We're Going To Sue The Crap Out Of You' Say Miming Orangutans
A NEW study of Orangutans has found they can communicate using complex charades with the traditional "stuck in a glass box" mime clearly signalling "let me out of here you bastards".
Keith Richards To Write Story Of His Life As A Beatle
ROCK legend Keith Richards is to write his memoirs, filled with intimate details of his life as a member of The Beatles.