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Brown Backs 24-Hour Super-Musuems

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has thrown his weight behind a series of huge 24-hour super-musuems to regenerate Britain's deprived urban areas.

Vegetarians' Gas Now 'Biggest Cause Of Global Warming'

VEGETARIANS are being urged to eat each other after it emerged their own gas was now the major cause of global climate change.

Ikea customers realise it's all shit

HOME furnishing giant Ikea is to cut jobs amid increased consumer recognition of the shitness of its products.

The Campbell Diaries, Part 1: 'Bagpipes'

MAY 4, 1997: Moved into my Number 10 office today. Needs some decor. Will bring portrtait of Bob Maxwell from home. TB wants to 'hit the ground running'. Told him to shut the fuck up and do as he's told. Peter Mandelson has ordered a pommel horse for his office. God only knows.

Blue Peter Editor Will Make Pets Fight

BLUE Peter will make its pets fight on screen if viewers don't pay its £50,000 fine for faking a competition result, the show's editor said last night.

One Woman's Week: Lovers' Tiff

By Karen Fenessey

I HAD an argument last night with my boyfriend, Donny. He can be such a pig sometimes, but I do love him despite that. He took me on holiday to Venice recently and although I was very grateful I have to say - it's a bit of a dump. I honestly don't know why people rave about it so much.

Wogan To Host BBC Snitch-Athon

SIR Terry Wogan and Gaby Roslin are to host a massive ‘snitch-athon’  to encourage the general public to inform on their friends, neighbours and colleagues.

Brown 'Frantic With Worry' Over State Of Britain's Lawns

THE long spell of wet weather has prompted Prime Minister Gordon Brown to order a full-scale review of the nation's lawns.