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I Will Buy You And Make You Part Of My Giant Chess Set, Warns Ex-RBS Chief
FORMER RBS chairman Sir George Mathewson last night hinted that anyone attempting to regulate City bonuses may find themselves part of the human chess set at his Highland estate.
'Gayness Is Everywhere And It Wants Your Son'
HOMOSEXUALITY is caused by an invisible evil cloud that can even get inside your pregnant wife and turn your unborn son into a lover of Mamma Mia, experts claimed last night.
Sarah Palin Doesn't Know What Radar Is
SARAH Palin could still stand for the US presidency in 2012 after it emerged she has no idea what radar is.
Nursing Degree Will Make British Hospitals Deadliest In The World, Pledges NHS
NURSES are to undergo a rigorous three-year degree as the NHS launches a new drive to kill people more efficiently.
England To Uninvent Cricket
ENGLISH cricket's governing body last night unveiled radical plans to uninvent the game.
Prostitution To Replace Bursaries
THE government is to replace the current system of student loans and bursaries with £300-an-hour, high-class whoring.
My Big Gap Year: Gypsy Rose Tea
Despatches from Poppy Spalding
Thursday: Romania
Romania! The place to be seen for vampires and gypsies. In fact, Romania isn't full of men in fake Adidas tops playing accordions and misunderstanding the municipal refuse collection system. The Romanies are a fantastic race who really know how to do Halloween.