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I crush you

By Vladimir Putin WEAK, flabby western men with no love of country and no respect from women - I will take greatest pleasure in crushing you.

Ministers Propose 'Alf Garnett Day'

A NATIONAL holiday to celebrate the traditional British mistrust of foreigners is being proposed by the government.

Public Warned Not To Approach Olympic Logo Designer

POLICE have issued an urgent warning to the public not to approach the designer of the London 2012 Olympic logo.

Bush Unveils World's Biggest Car

PRESIDENT Bush has underlined his commitment to tackling climate change by unveiling the world's biggest car in Detroit.

Stewart Stevenson Inducted Into Muppet Hall Of Fame

TRANSPORT minister Stewart Stevenson has become the first member of the Scottish Parliament to be inducted into the Muppet Hall of Fame.

Guest Blog: Alan Mcgee

Off to get my head shaved. Missing Buenos Aires. The weather was shit today in the UK so flew over there for half an hour but got bored. Courtney rang and said she is no  longer off to rehab but back in 'hab' so I'm calling my new club in Nice that. The missus wants me to buy Nice but I want to buy Budapest. It's more punk rock and cheaper. Well it was when I was there at 3.30 this morning.

Men With Small Penises Mourn Spam King Arrest

MILLIONS of men with small penises and their wives were last night plunged into despair after the US announced it had arrested the so-called spam king of the internet. 

It's War!!! Salmond Builds 400 Mile Bridge To Attack Dutch

ALEX Salmond is to cancel plans for an Edinburgh tram system and use the money to build a 400 mile bridge from Scotland to Amsterdam.