First-time buyers still pathetic

YOUNG would-be homebuyers are still clinging to their nauseating rose-tinted hopes and dreams, it has emerged.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... who's cancelling Lee Anderson's breakfast? Black Pudding Matters?

WAKING up with a hangover emitting a stench worse than pilchards left to rot on a gym changing room radiator for a fortnight, I reflect on a personally momentous Wednesday. 

Starmer's change bears uncanny resemblance to old-school Conservatism
THE promised ‘change’ that Keir Starmer keeps going on about is remarkably similar to old-fashioned Conservative values, people have noticed.
Heartbreaking: these Tory policies will never happen now, and nothing could be sadder

THE surprise election has doomed scores of Conservative bills that the public was really looking forward to becoming law. Every one of these is a tragedy.

I challenge Sir Keir to a six-game Warhammer series, winner takes Downing Street. By Rishi Sunak

I BELIEVE there is a better way to select the next prime minister: a marathon session of the popular tabletop wargame Warhammer 40k.

Oust Rishi, install Kemi, abolish all laws and deport 17 million: how the Tories can still win

HOPE is not lost. Action can be taken. A hapless, sodden so-called leader and his homeopathic Conservatism ousted, and a victory won.

Premature baldness, and other features you're secretly delighted your mates have got

IT’S unfortunate when a friend suffers from one of these unattractive characteristics. But it’s also excellent that you look stunning by comparison, so don’t feel too bad.

Enforced public nudity and kidnapping your dog: what Keir Starmer's 'change' really means, by the Daily Mail

KEIR Starmer is promising to deliver change without elaborating on the specifics. Here’s what it undoubtedly entails, according to the feverish mind of the Daily Mail.

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Politics

Universities cost more than ever and are going bust: a guide to the Tory economic model, with Jeremy Hunt

HELLO. I’m Jeremy Hunt, chancellor by default, and pre-election I’d like to talk you through the economic model that has made Britain such a success.

Six fixes f**k all, Starmer told

KEIR Starmer has been informed that if he is taking being prime minister seriously, he will need a f**k of a lot more than six fixes.

The disturbing new sex education curriculum, as written by Tory MPs

THE government is keen to politicise sex education, but should Conservative MPs be giving anyone advice on sex? Here is a worrying copy of a ‘learning resource’ they’ve created.

'So, who else hates scum?': Six failed conversation starters with defector MP Natalie Elphicke

FORMER Tory MP Natalie Elphicke is doing her best to fit in with her new Labour comrades, but struggling to find common ground. These are her openers so far.

We ask you: what secrets will defecting Tory MP Natalie Elphicke bring with her?

THE member for Dover has defected from the Conservatives to Labour, but what invaluable secrets does she bring from her former masters?

The Spark, and other hits by the under-12s that must be expunged from history
A GROUP of Irish pre-teen rappers have recorded the viral hit The Spark. Unsurprisingly it is f**king horrible and all traces of it should be destroyed, along with these other ‘heartwarming’ child hits.

Society

Why my vile, abusive teenager shouldn't have been suspended from school because I don't want her at home either

YOU have suspended my daughter. You, who’s meant to be educating her for six hours a day but can’t cope with a bit of challenging behaviour. And now the vicious cow’s at home.

We ask you: will you follow the Vatican’s new rules on supernatural phenomena?

THE Vatican has cracked down on a rash of rogue miracles with new guidelines on supernatural phenomena. Will you be toeing the line?

Millions of Britons living on less money than they would ideally prefer

A RECORD number of UK families cannot afford to buy absolutely everything they want, it has emerged.

The French, the Belgians and other nations you're allowed to mock

TAKING the piss out of other countries is generally seen as xenophobic, but sometimes it’s fair enough. Like in these cases.

Fear that young people's mortgages will outlast their student loans

THE under-30s are entering into mortgage agreements so long they will have paid off their student loans before the end of them, estimates suggest.

'It's not a gamble if you know you're going to lose,' says Sunak
THE prime minister has rubbished claims he is gambling with his party’s future, explaining that it is not a gamble when losing is assured.

Lifestyle

What is manifesting and why is it bollocks?

MANIFESTING – the practice of visualising the accomplishment of a goal to make it come true – has never been so popular, and never been so bollocks. This is why.

'My friend has inadvertently shat upon your table': Useful phrases for Brits in Magaluf

THE uptight Spaniards are whinging about Brits having fun in Magaluf again. Here are some handy Spanish phrases to help keep relations cordial during your holiday.

Teen spends three hours agonising over what to wear to hang out in car park

A TEENAGER has been struggling with monumental indecision over which of her outfits would best suit loitering in a car park behind a B&M Bargains.

Body positivity over, be skinny with big tits again, women told

WOMEN have been informed that body positivity’s time has passed and being thin with large breasts is their new look.

Glorious sunshine reveals you're living like a filthy animal

THE radiant sunshine beating down on the country has revealed that everyone has been wallowing in their own filth for the last few months.

UK vibes on July 5th expected to be best ever
BRITONS have confirmed they are greatly looking forward to a sunny summer Friday when they wake up to find the Tories have been annihilated and the football is on.

Sport

We ask you: is it time to kick out England's most successful manager since 1966 for being shit?

GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?

People who don't follow football still under impression Man United are amazing 

MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.

Newborn in Liverpool shirt fake fan and glory hunter

A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.

We ask you: how will football's new blue cards unfairly punish your club?

FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?

'All these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain' says android
AN android, facing the fact that his limited lifespan is coming to an end, has given a moving speech in heavy rain.

Science & Technology

Looks not everything but they are about 95 per cent, scientists confirm

BEING handsome or beautiful is not the be-all-and-end-all of being attractive but it does account for 95 per cent, scientists have confirmed.

Mate in the group chat who never says anything died in 2019

A WHATSAPP group is the mourning the loss of one of its members after it was discovered his silence was not due to him ‘being shit at the bantz’, but because he is dead.

We ask you: should cafes ban laptops and their overpaid scum users?

A CANTERBURY cafe has banned laptops and claims it has helped build a community. Should others do the same?

Duolingo, and other stressful app reminders that can f**k off

SMARTPHONE apps were meant to make life easier but instead add to the general anxiety of it by harassing you constantly. Like these ones.

'I've always hated you': What your friend said in their deleted WhatsApp message

WHATSAPP loves shit-stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message. Here’s a reasonable guess at what they said.

Arts & Entertainment

Showgirls, and other famously shit films people pretend are ironically good but they're not

DO you know someone who enjoys pretending that Showgirls is worth sitting through in an ironic way? They probably like these other films too.

'My new portrait reflects my desire to, as Slayer sang, Reign In Blood' says Charles

THE King has unveiled a new portrait inspired by Slayer’s 1986 album Reign In Blood, which he says ‘is the guiding light of my rule’.

Age-gap relationships in films judged for their acceptability by a bloke

ANNE Hathaway’s new film centres on a 40-year-old woman romancing a younger man. Should we be supportive of such relationships, or are they doomed to fail? Tom Logan, 45, gives his verdict.

Six pop songs that will actually genuinely help you revise for your GCSEs

EXAMS looming? Left the revision too late? Got earbuds, a Spotify account and three-and-a-half minutes? These could scrape you a pass.

We ask you: is it time for the UK to leave Eurovision?

BOOKMAKERS have given Olly Alexander a one per cent chance of winning the Eurovision Song Contest. Is it time the UK left it?

Normal people mourn the return of Doctor Who

WELL-ADJUSTED adults who enjoy quality programming are mourning the return of Doctor Who to the nation’s screens.

We ask you: is it pissing down because of climate change or because it's Britain?
TODAY’S heavy rain follows a waterlogged winter that scientists are blaming on climate change. Are they right?

Business

Dead office workers costing Britain millions, say Tories

THE soaring number of office workers selfishly dying at their desks is costing Britain £2.6bn a year, a new report has found.

Successful young person can f**k right off

A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.

Post Office blames postmasters for counterfeit stamps, bad weather and the decline of the Arctic Monkeys

THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.

What is death and should you be worried about it?
CONCERNED about all of the reports of death in the news? Worried that it may affect you too? Learn all about the terminal life condition with this guide.

Work

'Back in your day…' and other comments you can sue Gen Z bastards for now

A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.

Guru, wizard, rock star: six suffixes to your job title that make it clear you're a twat

TO stand out in the job market, why not impress on employers that you’re a first-class prick with your job title alone? Any of these should do it.

The five and only five emails people send in office jobs

OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.

Trip to office printer like a little holiday

WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.

Workplace safety assessment finds main hazard being around twats all day

WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.

Emergency plumber drunk on godlike power

AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.

Countryside noisy as f**k
A COUPLE wanting a peaceful day out away from the noise and hurly-burly of city life have found the countryside to be a clamorous nightmare.

Alcohol

Major European city great place to get pissed, reports couple

A COUPLE on a citybreak have reported that Berlin is a marvellous location for getting absolutely shitfaced.

We ask you: are your children boozing enough?

ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?

The sordid details of your sex life: Things you'll deeply regret telling your mates when pissed

DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions. 

Every type of British person able to afford to drink every day

INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to.

Lads' pub chat dries up after all 90s footballers named

A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.

Pre-drinking effortlessly dovetails into proper drinking

A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.

Couple join '25 metre-down club' by having sex on tube
TWO young people who engaged in sexual activity on the London Underground have joined the illustrious ranks of the ’25 metre-down club’.