the dailymash

Gammon would still shag Team GB flag if it was up for it

A PATRIOT outraged by the Team GB flag would still give it one if it gave him the eye, he had admitted.

Scottish police to look like dicks either way

SCOTTISH police have confirmed they will look like big fascist knobs if they arrest JK Rowling and limp little willys if they do not.

Do your in-laws secretly think you're a twat?

THEY were pleasant enough to your face this weekend, but do they mean it? Or did they start doing mocking impressions of you the moment the door closed?

Badgers still unable to cross a f**king road

BADGERS remain utterly incapable of crossing roads while avoiding oncoming traffic, anyone who drove through a rural area over the weekend has confirmed.

'The females don their cock deely-boppers for the ritual to commence': Sir David Attenborough narrates a hen party

NATURALIST, naturist and national treasure Sir David Attenborough has turned his analytical eye to the brutal and feral rituals of the hen party.

'Pre-loved' sounds like someone's f**ked it, agrees everyone

Your astrological week ahead for March 30th, with Psychic Bob

It’s not just Easter eggs you should keep away from dogs. They should also be discouraged from consuming an entire Simnel cake.

Atheists unable to explain how evolution could make egg-laying bunny

ATHEISTS who reject religious doctrine have admitted nothing in their precious science can provide an explanation for the existence of the Easter Bunny.