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Salmond Offers To Buy Nicol Stephen A Pony

ALEX Salmond has extended the hand of friendship to Lib Dem leader Nicol Stephen by offering to buy him a beautiful pony named 'Brambles'.

Mcconnell Barricades Himself Inside Bute House

FIRST Minister Jack McConnell has barricaded himself inside his official residence and is refusing to leave.

Mr Salmond's 'Independent Contraption' Will Never Burrow To The Centre Of The Earth

April 26, 1897, Edinburgh

Sirs,
It is with the utmost urgency that I write to you, my fellows of the Royal Society of Scotland, to alert you to the danger posed by Mr A Salmond and his proposal to build a steam driven contraption with the intention of burrowing to the centre of the Earth.

One Woman's Week: Cruel To Be Kind

BY KAREN FENESSEY 

I've got no tolerance for children who answer back to adults. I'm a teacher, so I've got a lot of experience of this, and as far as I am concerned they can burn in hell.

Scotland Branded 'Idiot State' By Un Election Observers

UNITED Nations election observers last night labeled Scotland as one of the most knuckle-headed countries on the face of the earth.

Brown 'Beats Crap' Out Of Mcconnell On Eve Of Poll

TENSIONS inside the Labour campaign boiled over last night as Gordon Brown delivered a severe thumping to First Minister Jack McConnell.

Your Daily Mash Guide To Election Night 2007

It's set to be the most historic night in Scottish politics since blah blah blah.... Union in jeopardy.... blah blah.... end of Labour domination..... blah blah.... is Gordon Brewer feeling alright?

It's A Monster Munch Landslide, According To Daily Mash Survey

MONSTER Munch will be the next first minister of Scotland, according to the latest Daily Mash readers' poll.