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I'm Having A Picnic And Everyone's Invited!
By David Cameron
GLOBAL warming is a threat to us all. I'm really serious about this. It will cause untold misery for millions across the globe and change the way we live, for ever. But in the meantime it does mean lots and lots of lovely weather. And what's the absolute best thing to do when the sun shines? Have a picnic!
One Woman's Week: The Path To True Love
By Karen Fenessey
LAST night, I went to a live gig in a dingy little bar in the city centre. I’d rather not spend my evenings in some dark, sticky dump surrounded by penniless, drug-smoking layabouts, but I had an obligation to be there, because my boyfriend, Donny, is a singer/songwriter in a band.
It's War!!! Dutch Flood Scotland With Cheap Pornography
THE Dutch have launched their first salvo in the war with Scotland by flooding the country with cheap, low-grade pornography.
Romanov Turns A-Listed Treasure Into Garden Centre
HEARTS chairman Vladimir Romanov is to transform the old Royal Bank of Scotland headquarters in Edinburgh into the city's first A-listed discount garden centre.
Boffins Use Hybrid Embryos To Create Satan
SCIENTISTS at Dundee University have embarked on the world's first human-animal hybrid embryo project in a bid to create Satan.
Brown Era To Be Cold And Wet, Says Met Office
THE premiership of Gordon Brown will be dominated by the damp, dreary weather so typical of his native Fife, the Met Office warned last night.
Harry Potter Books 'All Made Up' Says Rowling
AUTHOR JK Rowling has revealed that no one is going to die at the end of the final Harry Potter book because she "made the whole thing up".
Rev Falwell Says Heaven 'Too Gay'
AMERICAN televangelist Jerry Falwell has launched an outspoken attack on Heaven after arriving there this week describing God’s Kingdom as looking like a ‘puff’s paradise’.