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Andy Murray Appoints Excuses Coach

BRITISH number one Andy Murray has completed his preparations for dropping out of Wimbledon with the appointment of a world-class excuses coach.

In-Flight Erections To Double After Viagra Jetlag Discovery

VIRGIN is to raise the height of the seatback tray tables on its transatlantic flights by a number of inches after it emerged that love drug Viagra could now be used as a cure for jetlag. 

Big Brother House To Include Room Full Of Man-Eating Tigers

THIS year's Big Brother house is to include quirky new features including a toilet in the middle of the livingroom floor and a room full of tigers.

Salmond To Generate Electricity By Rubbing Himself Against Shereen Nanjiani

FIRST minister Alex Salmond plans to satisfy the nation's energy needs by rubbing himself against a variety of high profile Scots.

It's War!!! Dutch Set Fire To Cutty Sark

THE Dutch last night claimed responsibility for setting fire to the Scottish-built Cutty Sark and warned that no Scots ships were safe during the war with Holland. 

Cameron To Spend Two Weeks As A Wheelie Bin

TORY leader David Cameron is to spend two weeks living as a wheelie bin in East London in a bid to highlight the current crisis in British refuse collection.

Mars To Launch 'Beeftesers'

MARS, the confectionery giant, is to launch a brand of chocolate covered treats called 'Beeftesers' to cash in on the new and growing market for meat flavoured sweets.

Olympic Band 'Unlikely To Learn Scottish National Anthem'

THE musical director for the 2012 London Olympics has admitted that the ceremonial brass band 'probably won't bother' to learn Scotland's national anthem.