the dailymash

Deliveroo cyclist's wages docked for stopping at red light

A DELIVEROO cyclist has had his wages docked as punishment for stopping at a red light, it has emerged.

Amanda Holden, and other celebs we're fine with keeping their clothes on

YESTERDAY Amanda Holden got naked on Heart FM, proving you can have too much of a good thing. And if these celebs want to try wearing clothes for a change, we’re cool with that.

How to watch the solar eclipse in the UK

A confused Millennial tries to… save a house deposit

DID you know you can buy your own property? Me neither, until all my friends with rich, generous parents started doing it. Even some of the less well-off ones have done it, but only if they moved to Newport, wherever that is.

Porn ruined by surprise Brummie accent 

AN otherwise enjoyable online sex clip has been ruined by the sudden and unexpected sound of a Birmingham accent, it has emerged.

Trip to office printer like a little holiday

WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.

Lancashire still trying to pretend it has Yorkshire levels of identity

LANCASHIRE is still attempting to convince people it has the same cultural clout as its geographical neighbour and bitter rival, it has emerged.

Trump election campaign confident of victory after portents of doom strike America

DONALD Trump’s campaign team are confident in their chances of electoral success as an earthquake and a solar eclipse foreshadow great evil coming to the US.