the dailymash

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Richard Dawkins, 'cultural Christian' or smug rodent tit?

WAKING up with a hangover, I look back on the past two days. The furore began when CCTV emerged of me masturbating furiously in front of a statue of the Virgin Mary. I will admit that looked bad.

'I've always hated you': What your friend said in their deleted WhatsApp message

WHATSAPP loves shit-stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message. Here’s a reasonable guess at what they said.

'Oh what, like you've never sent a hostile foreign power nudes?' says Tory MP

CONSERVATIVE MP William Wragg has told people judging him for sending nudes to a foreign agent they have undoubtedly done the same or worse themselves.

Fit actors you pathetically slogged through questionable Brit films for

BRITAIN has produced plenty of attractive actors, but also many terrible movies for them to be in. Here are some of the dubious Brit films you suffered through to ogle a star.

Woman dating Tory out of pity

Do you want anything from Tesco? By Lizzo

HEY y'all, it’s your girl Lizzo. Music icon. Boss bitch. Plus-size goddess. Frequent patron of Tesco on Clifford Bridge Road in Coventry. So let me ask you this – d'you need anything picking up?

Man with way hotter girlfriend desperately asked how they met

A MAN whose girlfriend is much more attractive than him has been bombarded with desperate, probing questions about how on earth they met.

Cool, edgy celebrities who'll be on Radio 2 by the time they're 50

RIGHT now they’re sexy, dangerous and beloved by the youth. In less than 30 years they’ll be exploiting it to appeal to a middle-aged Radio 2 audience.