the dailymash

Hezbollah is finished as a movement without Kneecap. By Naim Qassem

AS leader of Hezbollah, I must grimly report that there is no future for us without Kneecap’s winning blend of Irish-language hip-hop, political satire and banging tunes.

Man quietly slips into supermarket chiller cabinet

A MAN struggling with the heat has silently crept into a supermarket chiller cabinet and will remain there until next week.

HS2 now costs £73bn, or seven hundred and thirty-one bat tunnels

Kate pulls out of Royal Ascot after going off hats

Jack Russell demands to be referred to as a 'short king'

A JACK Russell has insisted other dogs refer to him as a ‘short king’ so he stands a better chance with the hot German Shepherd down the street.

School leavers enter the real world with two-month long holiday

TEENAGERS leaving secondary school have been plunged into the harsh reality of ten weeks off pissing about with their mates.

US joining strikes on Iran and definitely isn't: five contradictory conclusions from Trump's latest bullshit

PRESIDENT Trump has issued a number of non-specific threats against Iran which the country and the world is trying to make sense of. These are the possibilities.

Samuel Smith's pubs far f**king freakier than Wetherspoons, UK agrees

BRITISH drinkers have agreed both Samuel Smith and Wetherspoons pubs are freakshows with an alcohol license but the former has the edge.