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First in at Glastonbury enjoying some pretty sweet bogs
THE first arrivals at Glastonbury are shitting with barely a tremor of revulsion, they have gleefully confirmed.
Trump to swear through rest of f**king presidency
PRESIDENT f**king Trump is to call an asshole a motherf**king asshole through his remaining years in the bastard White House, he has confirmed.
Charm of child on Zoom call rapidly dissipating
THE novelty of a toddler interrupting a professional Zoom call is waning fast, all participants confirmed.
Dad ready to unleash summer of lawnsplaining hell
THE arrival of summer has primed a father to condescendingly share his exhaustive lawn care knowledge with his ignorant family.
A wife's guide to meeting the unique needs of Laurence Fox
LUCKY and soon-to-be blissfully happy Elizabeth Barker has married Laurence Fox, but such a unique individual as her husband requires unique treatment. She should follow this marital advice:
Shit: football bouncing across park right towards you
AN URGENT report has confirmed that a football is bouncing across the park directly towards you and you are expected to return it.
- Middle East fixed, proclaims Trump
- Working-class man thinks Nutribullet is sex toy
- Writing 'Gareth is a bender' in the toilets: the terrorist acts you committed as a child, according to Labour
- Lake District unveils new slogan 'The Lake District: never f**king worth it'
- Distant galaxies never look like cock and balls