the dailymash

How to absolutely, comprehensively lose your shit if your child doesn't get their first-choice primary school

YOUR child has been condemned to educational subnormality and a career washing wheelie bins by being denied their first-choice primary. How should you freak out?

Girlfriend marks territory by leaving hair bobbles around boyfriend's flat

A MAN'S new girlfriend is asserting her presences and scaring away rivals by leaving hair ties in every room of his home.

Rachel Riley's favourite things to tweet about despite not knowing all the facts

HI! I’m attractive, famous and went to Oxford so I can do no wrong, even when making wild and it transpires incorrect assumptions in tweets. I also opine on these subjects.

Mash Blind Date: will Donald Trump and his lawyer trying to shut him the f**k up find their happy place?

CAN Donald Trump and his own lawyer, who is desperately trying to stop him committing further crimes while on trial for crimes, meet in body and soul?

America rightly indifferent to Blur

Five reasons your thirties are better than your twenties, if you're in denial

ATTEMPTING to convince yourself physical decline, burdensome responsibilities and heightened stress are a good thing? Here’s why you’re so glad to be in your thirties.

Gelato just ice cream for wankers, study finds

A NEW study has found there are no substantial differences between ice cream and gelato other than the latter is consumed by knobheads.

Ten Years To Clear Up My F**king Mess: Liz Truss's new book, rewritten by the electorate

49-DAY prime minister Liz Truss has released a new book detailing her plan to save the world. Britain has notes.