the dailymash

The six stages of being f**ked over by Trump

ELON Musk has belatedly discovered every friendship with Trump goes the same way: he profits, you lose. These are the stages:

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… does anyone NOT go on a 'journey' now?

WAKING with a hangover so intense it has caused the internet to crash across central London, I reflect on the events of the past week, particularly my ongoing involvement with Songs Of Praise. 

'What did you think Reform stood for?' Zia Yusuf asked

REFORM chairman Zia Yusuf has been asked what on earth he thought Reform represented after resigning over a proposed burqa ban.

World's richest man and world's most powerful man in flaccid willy fight

THE world’s richest man and the world’s most powerful man yesterday extracted their limp willies from their flies and proceeded to slap them at each other.

'It's not you, it's Coldplay': Things that were probably said during Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson's break-up

BREAK-UPS are always difficult, and upsetting things can be said. Celebrities like Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson are no different, so here are some of the comments they might have made.

World impressed Trump didn't ban any uninhabited islands this time

Shops open at midnight as gamers rush to buy Mario Kart for ninth f**king time

Come with me as I move to a council estate in Luton, by Ncuti Gatwa

SO that's it, babes. My time as the Doctor is done. I'm packing up my sonic screwdriver and getting the hell out of there while the going is good, babes.