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Google And China In Battle To Enslave You
THE last great battle of our time was underway last night as Google and China began fighting for control of every living thing on the face of the Earth.
Stop And Search To Be Replaced With Good, Old-Fashioned Violence
BRITAIN'S police could once again be able to kick the bejesus out of terror suspects after stop and search powers were declared illegal by some communist homosexuals.
Typical Lunch Box More Nutritious Than Its Contents
THE average school lunch box now contains at least three items that, technically, are not food, according to a new survey.
Traffic Slows Down To Stare At Alastair Campbell
CENTRAL London ground to a halt last night as thousands of motorists slowed down to gawp at the mangled wreckage of Alastair Campbell.
Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Psychic Bob
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Everybody loves popping bubble wrap, but not everybody buys rolls of it from Staples, moulds it into a lifesize replica of Catherine Deneuve and then rubs themselves against it until they burst.
Up To One Million Households Using Sex To Pay Mortgage
A GROWING number of UK householders are performing sex acts on lenders in lieu of mortgage payments, according to a new survey.
Islam4uk Changes Name To Brian Thompson
THE government has banned the extremist group Islam4Uk, forcing it to change its name to Brian Thompson.
Universities May Be Forced To Cut Media Studies And Hospitality Management
BUDGET cuts will mean Britain's universities will no longer be able to teach young people how to read newspapers and smile at tourists, it was claimed last night.