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BBC To Stop Portraying Tories As Demented Perverts

THE BBC has responded to claims of liberal bias with a pledge to stop portraying senior Tory MPs as homicidal deviants.

Chris Martin To Write Song About Tits

COLDPLAY frontman Chris Martin has delighted his army of fans by confirming he is to write a song all about tits.

Moonwater Is Here!

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Scots Tories Back Referendum On Existence Of Scots Tory Party

SENIOR Tories last night backed a referendum on whether the Scottish Conservative Party is real or a figment of Annabel Goldie's imagination.

Internet To Shut For Half-Day On Wednesdays

THE internet is to start closing for a half day on Wednesday afternoons to give it time to sit down and have a nice cup of tea, it announced yesterday. 

Scots Demand Huge Increase In Global Warming

A MAJORITY of Scots are backing a total reliance on fossil fuels in a bid to deliver up to three months of t-shirt weather every year.

Iran To Perform Salman Rushdie Knighthood

IRAN last night offered to perform Sir Salman Rushdie's forthcoming knighthood ceremony saying recent television footage suggested the Queen was no longer "up to the job".