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Fine, I'll bring back Patel if that's what you all want, says Sunak

THE prime minister has decided to bring back former Home Secretary Priti Patel because that is clearly what you are all clamouring for.

Pensioners at computer literacy class all keen to spread bigotry online

ALL attendees at a computer literacy class for the over-70s are learning to use the internet so they can share their prejudices with the world.

Alpha male films that are actually about pathetic beta male losers

ALPHA males love certain films featuring manly violence and dominant behaviour. But on closer inspection some of them may in fact be about puny beta males. Like these.

Woman doing expensive things she hates to justify living in London

A LONDONER has spent the weekend engaged in high-cost activities she dislikes because otherwise she might as well live in Leicester.

This may be my last missive from the United Kingdom of Hamas

I WOULD never use a terrorist atrocity to score cheap political points, but ask yourself this: how many Remoaners have stood up and called for Hamas to be hunted down like rabid dogs?

Overlooked celebrities you're sure would shag you out of gratitude

SOME celebs get overshadowed by bigger stars or never quite hit the uppermost heights of fame. Here are some who’d be incredibly flattered by your attention.

Nigel Slater: 'I f**k toast'

MUCH-LOVED cookery writer Nigel Slater has confessed that his passion for toast goes beyond the kitchen and into the bedroom.

Artisan loaf too oddly shaped to make sandwiches

A MAN is unable to make a sandwich after discovering that the handcrafted sourdough loaf he bought is too weird a shape to cut into decent slices.