the dailymash

Normal people mourn the return of Doctor Who

WELL-ADJUSTED adults who enjoy quality programming are mourning the return of Doctor Who to the nation’s screens.

Indecisive true crime fan still has no idea how she'd get rid of a body

A FAN of true crime podcasts has yet to decide on what is definitively the best way for her to dispose of human remains.

'Big bike nonces' and other dangers we're only aware of thanks to Joey Barton

JOEY Barton is in trouble again for calling broadcaster Jeremy Vine a ‘big bike nonce’. But surely he deserves praise for highlighting threats we were completely unaware of? Like these.

Plonker, git, tosspot and numpty not obscene enough, says Britain

A white home counties roadman has him's right to swag violated in a hexam

WAGWAN? Earlier in da week Active J ‘ad him’s history hexam, an’ man ‘ad to write about da heuropean convection of da ooman rights. Man woz turbo-vexed.

Incel wondering if being even more self-pitying will get him laid

AN ‘involuntary celibate’ is wondering if women would find him attractive if he was even more of a morose loser.

'So, who else hates scum?': Six failed conversation starters with defector MP Natalie Elphicke

FORMER Tory MP Natalie Elphicke is doing her best to fit in with her new Labour comrades, but struggling to find common ground. These are her openers so far.

'An erection on the bus is a sex crime': Unexpected problems of having a 12" penis

YOU probably think it’s great having the biggest penis in Britain, but big cocks aren’t all plain sailing. Sometimes, like King Midas, I wonder if my donger is a curse, not a blessing.