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I Tried To Stop Iraq War But Blair Overpowered Me, Claims Miliband
FOREIGN secretary David Miliband has revealed how he jumped on top of Tony Blair in a desperate bid to stop the invasion of Iraq.
Personal Superbugs For All, Pledges Johnson
EVERY NHS patient will be allocated a hospital acquired infection with their name on it, under government plans for a personal health service.
Returning Soldiers To Get A Free Turnip
BRITISH troops returning from combat in Iraq and Afghanistan are to receive a free turnip, the government has announced.
Kevin Bacon To Teach Britain How To Dance
HOLLYWOOD superstar Kevin Bacon is to lead a dance rebellion against Gordon Brown after the Prime Minister called for a ban on rock'n'roll.
Brown Opts For Autumn Erection
PRIME Minister Gordon Brown has instructed senior aides to begin preparations for an erection on 25 October.
Gayness Causes Chafing, Says Archbishop
HOMOSEXUALITY is not a disease but it can be a terrible cause of chafing, the Archbishop of Canterbury announced last night.
One Woman's Week: Prole Model
By Karen Fenessey
THIS week, I have gained a glimpse into the disturbing mess that fills up the minds of today’s youth. My investigative senses were pricked by a discovery in the school computer lab which thrust me into the distasteful world of eating disorders, such as bulimia. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of pointy, jabby little women with downy coats of body hair will grow out of the morons who make up the female contingent of our school’s P7s.