How to be the coolest motherf**king octogenarian in any garden centre. By Al Pacino

WANNA know how to walk into any garden centre from Minshull’s in Crewe to Coopers of Bishop Stortford and f**king own the goddam place? Learn from a Hollywood legend like me.

Dickhead who is always late acting like it's somehow beyond their control

AN idiot who is habitually late acts as if it is completely out of her control even when she has been lying in bed watching TikTok until two minutes before she needs to leave.

'Germans and English the same anyway' says Tuchel

THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.

Shit boyfriend in dying relationship reckons lingerie will keep the romance alive
A USELESS boyfriend on the brink of being dumped is convinced that buying lingerie will keep the relationship alive.
The best date night football hooligan films, rated

DIRECTOR Nick Love is back with yet another football hooligan film, Marching Powder. Everyone loves footie thug movies, especially women, so which is best for date night with your beloved?

The six high-profile sexual dalliances I will enjoy as England manager, by Thomas Tuchel

YOU have appointed an unmarried foreigner to manage England and, in accordance with tradition in this role, I shall put it about. Here’s the six I favour.

Do you honestly think I wanted to go to Taylor Swift, asks Starmer

THE prime minister has asked the public if they really believe that he, a 62-year-old man who has spent his life in the legal profession, is a keen Swiftie.

Russell Brand, and other Christians who God must f**king hate

BORN-AGAIN Christian Russell brand is selling a bullshit amulet that blocks wifi while blithering on about his newfound faith. How the Lord must abhor him.

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Politics

Badenoch and Jenrick to fall in far-right love

KEMI Badenoch and Robert Jenrick are, over the course of their leadership campaigns, to fall in beautiful far-right love.

Are you choosing yet another vicious, deranged freak as party leader or suffering deja vu? A guide for Tories

ARE you a Tory who feels like you’ve done nothing over the past five years apart from choosing awful nutcases to lead your party? Here’s how to cope.

'Those were crack-smoking times,' admits May

THERESA May has admitted she smoked up to ten rocks of crack a day while prime minister because 2016 to 2019 were very much crack-smoking years.

Why Sue Gray's departure proves it's over for Starmer and we've basically won, by all Tories

THE dismissal of the prime minister’s chief of staff after just three months in the job makes it unignorable: Labour are over, the Tories have won and an election is a formality.

Tuchel accepts his career as a successful football manager is over
THOMAS Tuchel has nobly accepted his career as a football manager who won trophies is in the past and begun a long, sad slide into irrelevance.

Society

Woman sets healthy boundaries of only doing what she wants to

A WOMAN has informed friends she is prioritising her mental wellbeing by setting boundaries of only doing what she enjoys.

Southend, Grimsby and other areas that simply cannot be gentrified

GENTRIFICATION can seem, at times, inevitable and inescapable. An area is happily shit until Negroni-sipping twats in Foxtons minis turn up. But it will never happen in these locations.

Giving a horse an OBE a sign of a sane country

THE awarding of an OBE to a horse that stood and watched cars go past is proof once and for all that Britain is sane and rational.

Toasted behind radiator, flew out of window: how you lost your childhood pets

TO you they were friends and companions. To your parents, they were teachers of the brutal reality of mortality. This is how they died.

Wear a straw boater to the local comp: How to fake your children going to private school

WORRIED that sending your kids to private school will be unaffordable with VAT on fees? Simply fake the whole thing - you’ll save a fortune, and it can be as ridiculously posh as you like!

Boy comes of age by realising his dad is a bit of a tosser
A 16-YEAR-OLD boy has become a man on finally coming to the understanding that his father, who he once looked up to, is something of a prick.

Lifestyle

Shitty Shein scorpion breaks after first sting

A LOW-QUALITY scorpion found in a Shein parcel has fallen apart after its first and only sting, it has emerged.

9.15am. Pushed under a Tube train: A typical day in London, according to a terrified Northerner

READING about London is like watching a good horror movie for many Northerners. Here Roy Hobbs gives an account of what he firmly believes an average day in the capital is like.

Spreadsheet Steve, and five other nicknames which mean your life has gone horribly awry

PICKED up a nickname? Proud of it, even though it’s a glaring sign your life has taken a wrong turn somewhere? Any of these is a sign you need help.

Interest in Japanese culture remains intriguing quirk in women and terrifying red flag in men

A FASCINATION with Japanese culture is alternative and interesting in women and a sign of an aberrant personality and unhealthy sexual interests in men.

'That new short hair looks great on you,' grins boyfriend through barely repressed sobs

A MAN has bravely told his girlfriend how great her new pixie crop looks while pinching his inner wrist hard to hold back the tears.

Idiot spent his 20s being sensible

A FOOL threw away his 20s predominantly sober while holding down a stable job and adult relationship, it has emerged.

Sport

We ask you: should we just give a random man called Lee the England job?

NOBODY seems to want the England job and fans believe anyone could do it better than Gareth Southgate, so should we let this lad Lee Carsley do it?

We ask you: who can succeed Gary Lineker on Match of the Day now?

FOLLOWING the shocking exposure of Jermaine Jenas as neither bland nor sexless enough for The One Show, who will take football’s top presenting job?

Transfer market continues to make mockery of being a football fan

THE multi-million pound transfer market is once again ridiculing the pointless allegiances of football fans.

We ask you: which team has the unquestionable moral right to win the Premier League this season?

A NEW Premier League season has begun, but which club deserves to win it most and will therefore inevitably triumph?

Olympics abducted by deranged Scientologist

THE Olympic Games were kidnapped by an abseiling maniac from the Church of Scientology right under the noses of a global audience last night.

Hopes rise that cycling will now be banned

THE horrific crash during the women’s cycling at the Paris Olympics yesterday has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

Consumers demand much less information about food
FOOD shoppers have demanded the removal of nutritional information, the country of origin and all extraneous adjectives from their food packaging.

Science & Technology

Spunk prices up

THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.

'Did you mean something completely different that’s more profitable for me to find?' asks Google

GOOGLE is wondering if you meant a different search term which requires less effort and more showing of sponsored posts, it has confirmed.

The toilet, and five other places smartphones can never be banned

BANNING mobile phones in schools makes sense because why should they have fun? But in these sacred spaces devices should always be allowed.

Billionaire finally gets to look down on entire Earth

A BILLIONAIRE has finally achieved his dream of looking down on the entire world’s population while shaking his head condescendingly.

Five signs your partner wasn't thinking about how much they love you for a fraction of a second
IN the attention economy, even a second spent not contemplating the wonder of you is tantamount to cheating. Here are five signs your partner has been momentarily unfaithful.

Arts & Entertainment

BBC pledges most hellish EastEnders Christmas ever

THIS year's EastEnders Christmas episodes will set new standards in harrowing festive grimness, the BBC has promised.

Eight strong female protagonists outraged to be included in your tawdry little fantasies

MODERN cinema is proud to present positive female role models, and what do you do? Enlist them in your sordid imaginings. You should be ashamed.

F**k off with your shit 80s bonkbuster soft porn nostalgia, say young people

YOUNG people who never flicked through Jilly Cooper books for the dirty bits are entirely uninterested in their screen adaptation, they have confirmed.

We ask you: What true crime case would you like to see reopened because it's been on Netflix?

PROSECUTORS in the US are to reopen the Menendez murder case, because it was on streaming. What British cases should be re-examined?

Noel Gallagher's most brazen acts of plagiarism, ranked

YOU have to admire the audacity with which Noel Gallagher pinches musical ideas, and Oasis reforming is a chance to enjoy these classic acts of theft all over again. Here they are ranked from worst to best.

Motörhead, and other artists who need to work on their gay following

HAVING a gay following is both inclusive and a shrewd business move for a musical artist. These acts need to work harder to build their homosexual fanbase.

I have my own plan for slimming down the fat unemployed, and it's needlessly sadistic
THEY are too fat and they are too lazy. Something has to be done. But before we waste Ozempic on them, what about trying my vicious, twisted ideas?

Business

Gentrified area upset specialist cheese shop they never use is closing down

RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.

Paint over the smoke alarms: the landlord's guide to interior design

TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything.

Shop staff deeply touched by empathy of former retail worker

THE overworked staff of a busy clothes shop have found great comfort in the sympathy of a woman who knows what it is like because she worked in retail once.

'What's the matter, too pussy for this good shit?' How to market pumpkin spice lattes to men

MEN are simple creatures who can easily be convinced to do anything. Here’s how to sell them even the most feminine of beverages.

Seven draconian measures to stop Charlie Mullins sneaking back into the UK

xBRITAIN’S richest plumber and worst Rod Stewart tribute Charlie Mullins is leaving the UK to avoid tax. But what if he tries to return? Here’s how to keep this scourge from our shores.

The Starship Troopers shower scene: The least sexy tit-shots in films
BOOBS are usually a quick, easy way to get eyes staring at screens, but these films treated them as though they are nothing more than anatomy.

Work

Boss asking 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' hoping to hear 'doing more work for less money'

A BOSS is hoping that his employee’s five year plan aligns with his own vision of an increased workload for decreased compensation.

'Bring Your 14-Year-Old Daughter and her Bitchy Mates to Work Day' a disaster

A BUSINESS is rethinking its morale-boosting strategy of asking staff to bring children to work after a group of teenage girls tore them to shreds.

What if being present in the office is all you have to offer? A shite employee asks

EXPERTS are disparaging the need to be physically in the office you work in as mere ‘presenteeism’. But what if that’s the only bit you’re good at?

Company's culture is alcoholism and being called John

A CONSULTANCY firm is proud of its distinctive workplace culture of drinking too much while employing multiple staff members with the same name.

Seven highly effective ways of f**king candidates over, by a recruitment consultant

HI, [INSERT NAME HERE], I came across your LinkedIn profile and thought you would be a great fit to make me look like I’ve got a wealth of candidates. Here’s how I’ll screw you over.

The Smile, and six other solo projects you tried to convince yourself you liked
BEING into a band means you have a moral obligation to pretend to enjoy all associated solo work, and never to admit it’s crap. Loyally play the following.

Alcohol

Middle-class dinner parties indulge in craze for premium strength lager

A NEW range of boutique 12 per cent lagers are the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals at upscale dinner parties.

What you're terrified you did while drinking last night vs what you actually did

MORNING! Oh God, what did you do? How did unwinding with three bottles of wine lead to this? What is your pickled brain claiming happened and did it?

Non-drinker mortified at all the mundane things he said last night

A MAN who absolutely underdid it on the pints has woken up mortified at the not even slightly embarrassing things he said the night before.

London scientists on brink of breaking £15 pint barrier

SCIENTISTS in Britain’s capital believe they are only months away from creating an ordinary point of beer which costs more than £15.

The top six things to eat at 2am pissed: ranked

SHITFACED way after midnight? Illogically hungry? These are the foods you will stumblingly prepare yourself, ranked from worst to best.