Consumers demand much less information about food

FOOD shoppers have demanded the removal of nutritional information, the country of origin and all extraneous adjectives from their food packaging.

Five signs your partner wasn't thinking about how much they love you for a fraction of a second

IN the attention economy, even a second spent not contemplating the wonder of you is tantamount to cheating. Here are five signs your partner has been momentarily unfaithful.

I have my own plan for slimming down the fat unemployed, and it's needlessly sadistic

THEY are too fat and they are too lazy. Something has to be done. But before we waste Ozempic on them, what about trying my vicious, twisted ideas?

The Starship Troopers shower scene: The least sexy tit-shots in films
BOOBS are usually a quick, easy way to get eyes staring at screens, but these films treated them as though they are nothing more than anatomy.
The Smile, and six other solo projects you tried to convince yourself you liked

BEING into a band means you have a moral obligation to pretend to enjoy all associated solo work, and never to admit it’s crap. Loyally play the following.

This week in Mash History: Jane Austen invents the genre of rich people shagging, 1813

FROM Bridgerton to Gossip Girl to Prince Harry’s autobiography, nothing gets the popular imagination going better than high net-worth coitus.

Unless we get everything we want we'll all leave tomorrow, warn businessmen, investors, landlords and other Tories

A GROUP of natural Tories have warned Labour to run the country in their best interests or every one of them will have left the country by Friday.

Learner driver effortlessly tackling everything empty industrial estate can throw at him

A LEARNER driver is handling the flat roads and unobstructed corners of his local industrial estate like a pro, he has confirmed.

How to fall for a banking scam: your quick and easy guide

ARE you concerned that when the inevitable call from banking scammers arrives, you will be too savvy to fall for it and end up keeping all your money? Follow these steps.

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Politics

'Those were crack-smoking times,' admits May

THERESA May has admitted she smoked up to ten rocks of crack a day while prime minister because 2016 to 2019 were very much crack-smoking years.

Why Sue Gray's departure proves it's over for Starmer and we've basically won, by all Tories

THE dismissal of the prime minister’s chief of staff after just three months in the job makes it unignorable: Labour are over, the Tories have won and an election is a formality.

You are Kemi Badenoch. Can you make it through a whole hour without saying insane shit?

YOU are Kemi Badenoch and the microphones are hot. Can you manage a whole hour without spouting lunatic nonsense?

Could you adopt a Tory for as little as £3 a month?

THERE are fewer than 122 of them left in the Houses of Parliament. Their pet newspapers go unread. Nobody even notices their sex scandals.

Foreign countries absolutely shit at sending postcards
NATIONS other than Britain cannot so much as convey a simple postcard to its destination without taking months, it has emerged.

Society

Woman sets healthy boundaries of only doing what she wants to

A WOMAN has informed friends she is prioritising her mental wellbeing by setting boundaries of only doing what she enjoys.

Southend, Grimsby and other areas that simply cannot be gentrified

GENTRIFICATION can seem, at times, inevitable and inescapable. An area is happily shit until Negroni-sipping twats in Foxtons minis turn up. But it will never happen in these locations.

Giving a horse an OBE a sign of a sane country

THE awarding of an OBE to a horse that stood and watched cars go past is proof once and for all that Britain is sane and rational.

Toasted behind radiator, flew out of window: how you lost your childhood pets

TO you they were friends and companions. To your parents, they were teachers of the brutal reality of mortality. This is how they died.

Wear a straw boater to the local comp: How to fake your children going to private school

WORRIED that sending your kids to private school will be unaffordable with VAT on fees? Simply fake the whole thing - you’ll save a fortune, and it can be as ridiculously posh as you like!

Breathing, and other things Kate does that are a subtle nod to Diana
OUR darling Princess Catherine delights in making classy allusions to her late mother-in-law, the People’s Princess. All these behaviours are straight from Diana’s playbook.

Lifestyle

Spreadsheet Steve, and five other nicknames which mean your life has gone horribly awry

PICKED up a nickname? Proud of it, even though it’s a glaring sign your life has taken a wrong turn somewhere? Any of these is a sign you need help.

Interest in Japanese culture remains intriguing quirk in women and terrifying red flag in men

A FASCINATION with Japanese culture is alternative and interesting in women and a sign of an aberrant personality and unhealthy sexual interests in men.

'That new short hair looks great on you,' grins boyfriend through barely repressed sobs

A MAN has bravely told his girlfriend how great her new pixie crop looks while pinching his inner wrist hard to hold back the tears.

Idiot spent his 20s being sensible

A FOOL threw away his 20s predominantly sober while holding down a stable job and adult relationship, it has emerged.

Cyclist gangs getting less respect than motorcycle gangs

GROUPS of middle-aged cyclists in Lycra are unhappy that motorised two-wheeled travellers in denim and leather are far more feared.

Your astrological week ahead for October 12th, with Psychic Bob
Sure, the Grand Canyon’s pretty grand. But can you even name another canyon? It's basically a closed shop.

Sport

We ask you: should we just give a random man called Lee the England job?

NOBODY seems to want the England job and fans believe anyone could do it better than Gareth Southgate, so should we let this lad Lee Carsley do it?

We ask you: who can succeed Gary Lineker on Match of the Day now?

FOLLOWING the shocking exposure of Jermaine Jenas as neither bland nor sexless enough for The One Show, who will take football’s top presenting job?

Transfer market continues to make mockery of being a football fan

THE multi-million pound transfer market is once again ridiculing the pointless allegiances of football fans.

We ask you: which team has the unquestionable moral right to win the Premier League this season?

A NEW Premier League season has begun, but which club deserves to win it most and will therefore inevitably triumph?

Olympics abducted by deranged Scientologist

THE Olympic Games were kidnapped by an abseiling maniac from the Church of Scientology right under the noses of a global audience last night.

Hopes rise that cycling will now be banned

THE horrific crash during the women’s cycling at the Paris Olympics yesterday has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

Pub closing, but colleague knows cool bar 45 minutes walk away on narrowboat behind abandoned warehouse
A GROUP of work colleagues have been assured by a co-worker that they can continue their drinking at a great bar situated a mere 45 minute walk away.

Science & Technology

Spunk prices up

THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.

'Did you mean something completely different that’s more profitable for me to find?' asks Google

GOOGLE is wondering if you meant a different search term which requires less effort and more showing of sponsored posts, it has confirmed.

The toilet, and five other places smartphones can never be banned

BANNING mobile phones in schools makes sense because why should they have fun? But in these sacred spaces devices should always be allowed.

Billionaire finally gets to look down on entire Earth

A BILLIONAIRE has finally achieved his dream of looking down on the entire world’s population while shaking his head condescendingly.

We ask you: why are England managers too afraid to field an all-striker eleven?
ENGLAND played five strikers on Thursday and lost. Logic dictates they should therefore increase the number of strikers to 11 for Sunday’s game, but will they?

Arts & Entertainment

Eight strong female protagonists outraged to be included in your tawdry little fantasies

MODERN cinema is proud to present positive female role models, and what do you do? Enlist them in your sordid imaginings. You should be ashamed.

F**k off with your shit 80s bonkbuster soft porn nostalgia, say young people

YOUNG people who never flicked through Jilly Cooper books for the dirty bits are entirely uninterested in their screen adaptation, they have confirmed.

We ask you: What true crime case would you like to see reopened because it's been on Netflix?

PROSECUTORS in the US are to reopen the Menendez murder case, because it was on streaming. What British cases should be re-examined?

Noel Gallagher's most brazen acts of plagiarism, ranked

YOU have to admire the audacity with which Noel Gallagher pinches musical ideas, and Oasis reforming is a chance to enjoy these classic acts of theft all over again. Here they are ranked from worst to best.

Motörhead, and other artists who need to work on their gay following

HAVING a gay following is both inclusive and a shrewd business move for a musical artist. These acts need to work harder to build their homosexual fanbase.

Posh penises are intrinsically thrilling: the wonderful world of Jilly Cooper

JILLY Cooper’s 80s bestseller Rivals has been turned into a Disney+ romp. But what’s the appeal of her racy world of upper-class intercourse?

Business

Gentrified area upset specialist cheese shop they never use is closing down

RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.

Paint over the smoke alarms: the landlord's guide to interior design

TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything.

Shop staff deeply touched by empathy of former retail worker

THE overworked staff of a busy clothes shop have found great comfort in the sympathy of a woman who knows what it is like because she worked in retail once.

'What's the matter, too pussy for this good shit?' How to market pumpkin spice lattes to men

MEN are simple creatures who can easily be convinced to do anything. Here’s how to sell them even the most feminine of beverages.

Seven draconian measures to stop Charlie Mullins sneaking back into the UK

xBRITAIN’S richest plumber and worst Rod Stewart tribute Charlie Mullins is leaving the UK to avoid tax. But what if he tries to return? Here’s how to keep this scourge from our shores.

BBC pledges most hellish EastEnders Christmas ever
THIS year's EastEnders Christmas episodes will set new standards in harrowing festive grimness, the BBC has promised.

Work

Boss asking 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' hoping to hear 'doing more work for less money'

A BOSS is hoping that his employee’s five year plan aligns with his own vision of an increased workload for decreased compensation.

'Bring Your 14-Year-Old Daughter and her Bitchy Mates to Work Day' a disaster

A BUSINESS is rethinking its morale-boosting strategy of asking staff to bring children to work after a group of teenage girls tore them to shreds.

What if being present in the office is all you have to offer? A shite employee asks

EXPERTS are disparaging the need to be physically in the office you work in as mere ‘presenteeism’. But what if that’s the only bit you’re good at?

Company's culture is alcoholism and being called John

A CONSULTANCY firm is proud of its distinctive workplace culture of drinking too much while employing multiple staff members with the same name.

Seven highly effective ways of f**king candidates over, by a recruitment consultant

HI, [INSERT NAME HERE], I came across your LinkedIn profile and thought you would be a great fit to make me look like I’ve got a wealth of candidates. Here’s how I’ll screw you over.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the unbridled creativity of TV twats
WAKING up with a hangover that has quite turned my blood green, especially that dribbling from my anus, I reflect on my weekly sermon, an impassioned address inspired by the online game Wordle.

Alcohol

Middle-class dinner parties indulge in craze for premium strength lager

A NEW range of boutique 12 per cent lagers are the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals at upscale dinner parties.

What you're terrified you did while drinking last night vs what you actually did

MORNING! Oh God, what did you do? How did unwinding with three bottles of wine lead to this? What is your pickled brain claiming happened and did it?

Non-drinker mortified at all the mundane things he said last night

A MAN who absolutely underdid it on the pints has woken up mortified at the not even slightly embarrassing things he said the night before.

London scientists on brink of breaking £15 pint barrier

SCIENTISTS in Britain’s capital believe they are only months away from creating an ordinary point of beer which costs more than £15.

The top six things to eat at 2am pissed: ranked

SHITFACED way after midnight? Illogically hungry? These are the foods you will stumblingly prepare yourself, ranked from worst to best.

Northerners bloody glad they didn't go all the way to Oslo for a bit of red sky
NORTHERNERS who saw the Aurora Borealis last night are bloody glad they did not go all the way to Scandinavia for it.