THE goal has been set: find the supposedly stolen phone of former Starmer aide Morgan McSweeney, end the current government and choose the next one. Here’s how:

NIGEL Farage is the second most popular presenter of personal messages in Britain, beaten only by Jay from The Inbetweeners. What did he say in yours?

THE assisted dying bill in Scotland has been defeated after a moving monologue on choosing life delivered by Edinburgh MSP Mark Renton.

IT seems that, based on polling, I have stumbled into a policy which is popular with the public at large. I promise you that was not my intention.

A MAN has won a bravery award for talking down a suicide bomber in a hospital. But inveterate cowards should be prepared for such situations too. Here’s what to do.

WAR in Iran, and the prospect of poor people receiving fuel subsidies, has driven national hatred of anyone claiming benefits to levels not seen since 2006.

BRITISH mortgage rates are shooting up like a Patriot missile because of war in Iran. So Donald Trump, always focused on the bottom line and the little guy, has advice.

FEMINISM? I don’t need it, I’m a white man. But these foreigners coming to Britain? They’ll find no louder feminist than I if they try disrespecting our slags.

A FATHER is furious at his local council about potholes in roads and is apoplectic at the roadworks needed to fix them.

AN outwardly normal couple have decided to have not one, not two, not three, but four children, it has emerged.

ALL bloody day it goes on, from the golden light of dawn to well into the night. I get that it’s striking, but I’m f**king sick of influencers staging photos by my wheelie bin.

ALLOWING another road-user to take precedence over you is an unforgivable sign of weakness and should incur points, motorists have agreed.

CONTINENTAL Europe is better at everything than you stodgy Brits because they’re just so sophisticated. Here’s what they outshine you at, country by country.

ONE was good enough for Jesus, Elvis and Buddha, but the greedy not only insist they have two first names but demand to be called by them. What can we learn from these freaks?

THE Cheltenham Festival has concluded, and with it your chance to staple a falcon’s wing to your forehead and call it a hat. What titfer did you look a tit in this year?

FRIEND been dumped? They’re being all moody about it? Change their outlook with these insightful views into their situation.

A WOMAN has seen a a bag of canine excrement hanging in a hedge and instantly flashed back to her last relationship, she has confirmed.

A MAN on Tinder who appears to be without significant perversions, addictions, commitment issues or a receding hairline is a huge red flag, women have agreed.

BEEN honoured with the chance to organise a hen weekend nobody wants to attend and to wear a hideous dress? Get uninvited, fast.

A FIRST date has inexplicably escalated from stilted small talk to the height of physical intimacy, it has emerged.

YOU know who gets texts from blokes, ignores them and it only makes them want me more? Me over here, a licensed plumber. Need him hungry for you, girls? Do this.

GOVERNMENT guidance has called for screen time to be limited for children under five. But frankly these other groups could do with some restrictions too.

LEONID Radvinsky, the owner of OnlyFans, has passed on aged just 43. These are the ways users and content creators are remembering the billionaire who did so much for filth.

CELEBRITIES at an Oscars party have complained about the excessively bright lighting making them look bad. Quite right - photos always present a falsely unattractive image of you. Here’s why.

IT would just be like so wrong to deprive teenagers like me of my socials because I have grew up with it and there is all what you learn from it, right?

BELIEVE the only reason you’re not winning women over with your dick pics is the lack of artistry? Follow these tips to become the David Bailey of the penis portrait.

ARE you genuinely excited about the upcoming Harry Potter TV series on HBO? Here’s how to find the urgent psychiatric help you clearly need.

A NEW cartoon based on Trainspotting will be a joyful learning experience for the under-fives, author Irvine Welsh has promised.

HAD a hit? Enjoying the money and blowjobs, but feel it does not adequately reflect who you are as artists? Then record your next album in your own colon, like these.

AN injustice has been done. And if any of you bastards here replacing tyres dares suggest Train Dreams’s sublime meditation on civilisation rightly lost, I will f**k you up.

THE two lost Doctor Who episodes now recovered include a scene where the protagonist gives a Dalek hand relief, the BBC has confirmed.

INSPIRATIONALLY, I spent last night watching man-on-man romance and writing breathless fan fiction about it. Because I am a woman and my sexuality is radical.

AFTER a convoluted incident in which a security guard made a child cry near singer Chappell Roan, it may be your duty to hate her now. Or it may not. Let’s examine this important event.

CHERYL Tweedy fans want her to date Michael B Jordan after they flirted in a viral clip, because we own them, they are ours and they should shag if we want it. Especially these.

ONLYFANS star Bonnie Blue is allegedly pregnant, but who will come forward to claim paternity? Find out if it’s you.

NAMING your child after a once-popular TV show or celebrity was always stupid, and now the poor victim is old enough to hate you for it. These were a mistake.

NETFLIX have ended their partnership with Meghan Markle after her show failed to be a compelling glimpse of her life or even her jam. These are the leaked emails.

ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.

A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.

AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.

NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.

ARE you unsure if your colleagues are genuinely sad to see you go? If you received any of these leaving presents, the answer is ‘no’.

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.

A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.

BRITAIN’S pubs are on the brink of collapse. You must do your bit to save them by drinking heavily during the day, and more.