KEEP seeing people using 'hilarious' nicknames for politicians that are actually just painfully lame? Here is a selection of the worst.

DONALD Trump’s transition team has already secured a kennel and water bowl for Nigel Farage to use when he visits America.

THE prospect of a second Trump presidency poses lots of terrifying questions. Here are your worst fears analysed and confirmed.

DONALD Trump has promised his supporters a raft of new policies when taking office. Here’s what he’ll do instead.

MOVE aside, gun-toting, flag-waving, antler-wearing rioters, lefties can be just as angry and ready to reclaim the election by force. Well, by asking nicely. Here's how.

FORMER prime minister Boris Johnson believes Trump’s stunning victory proves that his own political comeback is now inevitable.

THE shortlists are being made for three of the top posts in England. And once again, we see a numbing litany of unqualified men.

POLICE were called to a Le Creuset warehouse sale at the weekend as owners of Cockapoos threatened to turn tastefully ugly. These are the other riots waiting to happen.

DOGS who shake their way through every November 5th are not afraid of fireworks but moved by a deep sense of injustice for the executed gunpowder plotters, it has emerged.

DEPENDING on how badly your life is going, yesterday’s Budget will affect you differently. Here are the winners and losers of Rachel Reeves’ decision to tax and spend.

DON’T get me wrong, I love having some Poppy Day disrespect to moan about. But it’s getting earlier every year, and it doesn’t feel right calling someone a traitor in October.

A TEENAGER is anxious that his ear piercing gives the impression he is attracted to the opposite sex.

THE greatest benefit of darker nights is the chance to see into the crappy front rooms of other people and judge them.

PLANNING a trip to the big smoke? Want that authentically wretched London experience the residents keep for themselves? Try these ten must-miss activities.

NINE and a half grand to spend a year hanging out with your mates in the prime of your youth is still a good deal, students have been told.

A DICKISH couple are certain people from miles around will gratefully gaze at the huge free fireworks display they are putting on.

AN uptight bed showroom is stupidly not letting customers find out how good the mattresses are for shagging on.

LIBERAL despot Gary Lineker, who has cruelly ruled Britain from his throne of football lies for decades, has announced he is to step down.

THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.

THOMAS Tuchel has nobly accepted his career as a football manager who won trophies is in the past and begun a long, sad slide into irrelevance.

ENGLAND played five strikers on Thursday and lost. Logic dictates they should therefore increase the number of strikers to 11 for Sunday’s game, but will they?

YOUR online Reply Guy, faithfully leaving a comment under every Instagram post, is always there for you. But what do his messages really mean?

THE re-election of Trump is definitely the internet’s fault in a way that has yet to be specified, everyone has agreed.

A WARM, loving message from a father is clearly a scam designed to trick his son out of money.

THE business-focused social media network LinkedIn has just begun an exciting new role rigging presidential elections in the United States. Click here to add your congratulations!

THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.

DO They Know It’s Christmas? is being rereleased with modern artists like Harry Styles added in. It could be a traumatic trip down Memory Lane if you’re middle-aged, so brace yourself for the following…  

CALLING a show ‘Police Officers’ would be dull. So TV works hard to find alternative, cooler titles for pumping out the same old crap and ends up here.

PRESIDENT Trump not only believes himself a politician but an asset to the silver screen. Avoid watching any of these unless you want an unexpected jump-scare.

ABBA, Queen and Frankie Valli have been successfully interpreted for the stage, so why not these classic acts? Don’t families deserve to see them?

LIAM Payne’s track Do No Wrong is being released uncomfortably soon after his death. But it’s not the first questionable musical tribute to a deceased individual.

CONSERVATIVE politicians who disdain government and adore business have been advised they could, instead of running for government, run a business.

WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened.

A GROUP of natural Tories have warned Labour to run the country in their best interests or every one of them will have left the country by Friday.

ARE you concerned that when the inevitable call from banking scammers arrives, you will be too savvy to fall for it and end up keeping all your money? Follow these steps.

RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.

TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything.

A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe.

ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques.

A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has emerged.  

A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her.

SOULLESS pubs feigning a long rustic history always pull the same interior design crap based around the same few bollocks items.

APPRECIATORS of super-strength lager's complex flavours feel they have been ignored in Rachel Reeves’ budget. 

A MAN is not tight or anything, he just thinks it is daft to spend a fiver on a pint.

MORE than 60 per cent of craft beer is brewed by big bastard corporations rather than independent bearded wankers, research has found.