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    the dailymash

    Tuesday, 26th January 2021
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    ‘Can I get back to you on that?’ and other ways to respond when someone says ‘I love you’

    SOMEONE dropped the L-bomb out of the blue? Stuck for a response? Check out these half-dozen ways to let them down easy (for you).

    Government just can’t fathom why Scotland would want independence

    THE Government admits it is struggling with the Scottish independence movement because it cannot think of a single reason why they might want it.

    Boyfriend does 12-item supermarket shop and gets them all wrong

    A MAN has returned from the supermarket with all 12 items that his girlfriend requested, each of them wrong.

    Five types of story that give Daily Mail readers the raging horn

    OUTRAGED? Livid? That’s the only way you can get blood flowing to your genitalia any more? Daily Mail reader Bill McKay divulges the genres of story that give him life.

    Man comes to disturbing realisation that he enjoys running

    A MAN is afraid of what he might become after going out on a run and enjoying it.

    ‘Caribbean’ and other things Americans can’t stop mispronouncing

    AMERICANS have made more television than anyone else, and we’ve got nothing else to do but watch it. But why do they say these words f**k all like they’re meant to?

  • ‘Bubble’ far too jolly a term, nation confirms

    BRITONS have decided that ‘bubble’ is too cosy a term for a grim huddle of bored people stuck indoors with only each other for company.

    Five shows you don’t need to watch the middle of

    PUSHED for time? Bored of all the padding in a typical hour-long show? Here are five you can safely fast-forward through the middle 40 minutes of.

    Woman buys f**king ugly dog

    A WOMAN who has treated herself to a canine companion during lockdown has decided on one that is incredibly f**king ugly.

    ‘Epic fail’ and five other phrases that are past their sell-by date

    KEEPING up with the linguistic pace online is a minefield. If you want to look like you're up to date with the latest tedious phrases, make sure you avoid these.

    Romantic meal ruined by annoying life-partner

    A WOMAN'S romantic evening meal has been ruined by the presence of her prick of a boyfriend.

    pint of beer

    How to bring the ambience of your dodgy local pub to your living room

    MISSING your local bar during lockdown? Here are five ways to recreate the uniquely unpleasant atmosphere of your beloved watering hole at home.

    Brexiter can’t get over how disastrous Megxit is

    AN ardent Brexiter is appalled by what an absolute disaster Megxit has turned out to be.

    How to earn £12.43 on eBay for 40 hours work

    FANCY earning a bit of cash on the side by flogging some of your old stuff on eBay? Here's how to give yourself an incredibly badly paid full-time job.

    Your guide to coping with a partner who’s an embarrassing twat

    ARE you in a long-term relationship with someone you’ve realised is an embarrassing twat? Here are some common problems and what to do about them.

    Actual working class family insulted to be called working class

    A WORKING class family have said they are not keen on the term, unlike middle class people who like to call themselves that.

    Dad uses 34 metaphors in three-minute sex talk

    A DAD believes no confusion has been caused by using 34 metaphors during a talk about sex with his son.

    Government to reward catching Covid with fabulous cash prize

    ANYONE who catches Covid is to be rewarded for their efforts with £500, cash in hand, no questions asked, to spend on whatever they want. 

    How to spice up your relationship with your right hand

    HAS the spark fizzled out between you and your dominant hand? Turn up the heat in the bedroom with these saucy tips.

    How to be a badass while self-isolating, by Matt Hancock

    YO. Matt here. You may have noticed I consider myself pretty damn cool. So after my Covid scare, here’s how I’m self-isolating with ATTITUDE. Party on, dudes!

    NEXT >
    • Features

      • Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'
      • Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life
      • The social media ars*hole's guide to being right
      • Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover
      • Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p
      • 'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'
      • This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends
      • How to go easy on people who wear hats
    • Arts & Entertainment

      • Shit band that will never play Europe up in arms about Brexit visa rules
      • 'Bridgerton is my wife's porn', says man who has no f**king idea
      • BBC put on Detention Afternoon for misbehaving little bastards
      • New Resentful Compromise TV channel launched for couples
      • Woman wants husband to f**k off so she can watch Love Actually
      • How is Doctor Who going to be bollocks this year?
      • Mrs Brown's Boys and five other shit things which will survive the End of Days
      • How to destroy your self-esteem by comparing yourself to celebrities
    • Business

      • What to do if you've been shafted by Brexit, by a Brexiter
      • The Brexiter's guide to buying British
      • UK in race against time to spend high street vouchers before shops go bust
      • How to bollocks up your Christmas shopping
      • Mum launches business inspired by wanting to get away from her children
    • Environment

      • Insurer disgusted by suggestion it might have to 'pay out' over floods
      • What to do if you're a British crab who can't get to the EU
      • Cocky motorists to drive into unexpectedly deep floods
      • Man recognises individual blades of grass in local park
      • You thought 2020 was bad? Highlights of the year to come
    • Most Popular

    • Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

      TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

    • Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

      BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

    • 'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

      PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

    • Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

      BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain fully departs the EU, it has emerged.

    • No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

      THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.

    • Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

      A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

    • Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

      Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

    • Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

      If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.

    • Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

      “After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”

    • Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

      I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

    • Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

      Dear Holly,
      The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

    • Health

      • Government to reward catching Covid with fabulous cash prize
      • How to be a badass while self-isolating, by Matt Hancock
      • Jabs Army, and the other ways the pandemic has become a World War Two nostalgia wank
      • How to stay warm when you can’t afford to put the heating on: Rishi Sunak explains
    • Society

      • Home-schooling mum reporting herself to Ofsted
      • How to make everything into a drama, by a three year-old
      • Are you thick or are the schools having a f**king laugh? Take our quiz
      • PTA mum starts bossing herself around
    • Politics

      • The Brexiter's guide to contradicting yourself
      • Boris Johnson's first grovelling call to the White House: A transcript
      • The Tories' foolproof guide to governing by headlines
      • Trump's TV tells him to shut the f**k up
    • Celebrity

      • 'Gwyneth fanny candle explosion' is a sentence that makes sense in 2021
      • Piers Morgan's guide to fleeing a sinking ship
      • Do you have a chance with Kim Kardashian? Take our quiz
      • Rich twats still abroad
    • Sport

      • Pink football boots and four other reasons 'the game's gone'
      • Audi driver speeding on M6 cites Lewis Hamilton as his inspiration
      • You’re all really bad at this, says Nadal
      • Runner replaces photo of husband and children with Strava route
    • Science & Technology

      • Who are you trolling online?
      • How to take your mind off current events without ever putting down your phone
      • However many batteries you bought, it is not enough
      • People who chase up a text after five minutes told to get a f**king life
    • Most Popular

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