A SCHISM in Reform UK is the inescapable consequence of running a party entirely composed of frothing mad f**kwits, its leader has admitted.

VICE-president JD Vance caused outrage by disparaging random European countries that are definitely not, he later clarified, Britain. So where did he mean?

AMERICA’S a bit of a no-go. Europe hates me. Best not mention Russia. It seems it is time to dedicate myself to the good people of Clacton.

A SELECTION of British lunatics are claiming, in the face of all available evidence, that Friday’s events were good for the US and Ukraine. Hear them out.

PRESIDENT Trump has promised that in the event of any military action against British forces in Ukraine, he will hold the prime minister’s jacket.

BRITAIN’S men have rushed to reassure the economy that a shock shrinkage is nothing to worry about and happens all the time.

FEMALE pupils are underperforming at maths and science. Here tradwife Hannah Tomlinson and unreconstructed 1970s sexist Roy Hobbs ask what can be done.

SOARING household bills are forcing Britons to cut back on purchases they believe they need to look cool, according to new data.

SICK of finding costumes for World Book Day? Just wrap them in some toilet paper and say they’re Mr Bump. Try these too.

FINANCIAL expert Martin Lewis has exhorted morons who fritter away every penny they earn on useless shite to stop doing it.

CONCERNS have been raised over children being left unsupervised on gaming platform Roblox. So as a responsible parent, which game should you be allowing to bring up your kids?

A YOUNG couple who stayed in a B&B where they were given breakfast and not charged extra for cleaning have realised Airbnb is a con.

A METHODICAL man has opened a birthday card from a friend, read its message, then placed it directly in the bin as its purpose is complete.

AMERICAN? Concerned that your country will soon be at war with both its neighbours solely ‘for the lolz’? Looking to flee here? This advice will help you acclimatise.

A SINGLE woman’s active social life is discussed by her friends in the condescending tone normally used about a grandmother with only a Yorkshire terrier for company.

NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?

THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that understanding horse-racing through a blur of cocaine and alcohol is impossible.

TOMORROW night sees a clash of titans only Americans care about as the Philadelphia Eagles take on Taylor Swift in Superbowl LIX. Can she win?

TRUMP’S threats towards Canada and the world are hard to take in without being distracted by his bizarre writing style. Want to emulate it? Here’s how.

IF you’re 50 or under, the computer has always been there. Finding you porn, stealing you movies, and never once being used for home accounting. This is your journey.

A YEAR ago, my Tesla Model 3 was cool. I admit I gloated. Now I am driving around in a Reichsmobile, but these avoidance tactics mean it doesn’t define me politically.

A CONNIVING grandma has been able to use the internet since 1998 and just wanted an occasional visit, her cheated family have learned.

AFTER a narrow escape with Sam Ryder, is the UK choosing our Eurovision entry so we fail and dodge the expense of hosting its humiliating spectacle?

DON’T look it up yourself, but this year’s Glastonbury line-up is incredible. Here’s why I reckon you should buy my tickets and go to the festival on my behalf.

SABRINA Carpenter has been criticised for her ‘sex show’ performance at the Brits. Here father-of-two Tom Logan, 46, explains why her detractors have got it terribly wrong.

THE NME has traditionally heaped praise on bands that were trendy rather than actually good. Here are some you slavishly pretended to like in the hope of being cool.

WONDERING what Phoebe Waller-Bridge was up to while earning $60 million from Amazon without producing a show? The Fleabag star reveals all.

THE UK has admitted it has never heard of the ‘Aloo-min-um’ the US is supposedly imposing a 25 per cent tariff on.

THE government is open to the private sector’s involvement in assisted dying, and these brands you know and love are eying the profits.

FAST food chain McDonald’s has admitted its fancy branches with dark green signage firmly believe themselves to be on a par with Waitrose.

A QUARTER of young people are not even bothered about working and are probably going to I dunno, hang out in a forest and shit working on their art, they have claimed.

EMPLOYERS advertising for new staff have confirmed they do not post salaries because prospective employees are beyond such petty considerations.

NOBODY on LinkedIn can stop congratulating each other long enough to admit they’re drawing dole. Use these phrases to cover up being between ‘great career opportunities’.

AS Labour MP Andrew Gwynne discovered, every WhatsApp group is a ticking time bomb of kompromat. Here’s how yours will lead to your eventual dismissal.

A HOMEWORKER ordered back to the office is spending long lazy days doing nothing to prove her point.

POWERLESS in their real lives, these wankers find their satisfaction in running a workplace like a Panzer Division. Which ones have bollocked you?

A MAN has put on a hat shaped like a giant Guinness pint resting on a shamrock brim with the reverence it deserves.

PUB giant Wetherspoons has announced it is entering the lucrative home delivery market, bringing pints, pitchers of Woo Woo and steaks direct to customers.

A MAN cutting out alcohol has realised that without it, his friendships are an awful lot of work.

OUT for drinks with the office last night? Woken up under the burden of some confessions that, in the light of day, you really wish you could forget? These will always be there.

PUB profits are falling and pubs may close, so attendance at your local hostelry five nights a week is now mandatory. Here’s how to get through it.