FRIENDS with a fundamentally undateable woman? Reassure her that it’s not her fault even though it is with these lies.
THE cocksure, entitled nation of Wales is already arrogantly assuming it will at the very least reach the final of Euro 2020.
WANT to spoil any potential enjoyment of a movie before you watch it? Find out there’s a twist. Here’s five films with surprises you wouldn’t have seen coming, but now definitely will.
BRITAIN is struggling to come to terms with claims that the health secretary who has led us through this pandemic is totally f**king hopeless.
AS A Greenpeace activist I’m saving the earth any way I can, even if that means crashing into France vs Germany like a reckless wanker.
EVER think that irritating twats deliberately sit in your train carriage? Yeah, they do. Here’s the line-up of rail companions for your next 100 journeys.
BATMAN’S publishers have confirmed that he refuses to perform oral sex on his partners. And according to comics nerd Tom Booker, that’s just the beginning.
A MIDDLE-CLASS family are fuming about the top-of-the-range pizza oven, complete with brick surround, that they are currently having built in their garden.
THE UK is uniformly delighted that after years of not doing this American White House First Lady bollocks, we now apparently are.
I’m a successful man in his 50s who recently married his girlfriend, but only because work made me.
BORIS Johnson has placed an advertisement for the vacant position of mistress to the prime minister in the Sunday Times.
CARRIE Symonds, as a PR professional and divorcé’s nightmare, writes daily letters to newspapers which are intercepted and burned. Here are a few of them:
DOMINIC Cummings has damned Boris Johnson by saying tens of thousands of people needlessly died. If you’re a diehard Boris supporter, here’s how to pretend he’s still great.
NOT been paying attention to the news for the last few years? Here are all the reasons the health secretary should have been given the boot long ago.
THERE might not be rationing or gas masks, but a war is raging right now: the ‘culture war’. Here are the best concocted scandals people are losing their shit over.
AS a man, do you feel you should be an ‘alpha male’? Here are some of the pathetic and unrealistic things you’re probably secretly worried about.
STUDENTS at Oxford University have replaced a controversial portrait of the Queen with a Pulp Fiction poster from the SU shop, it has been confirmed.
THERE are so many moments to cherish with kids, and also so many times when you are so very, very bored.
A YORKSHIRE man who thinks anyone specifying pronouns is a 'snowflake' is seething after being thought to be from Lancashire.
MAINTAINING your Northernness can be a tricky business. Here are six worrying signs that you’re slipping into the behaviour of a soft Southerner.
A WOMAN who is only 25 bizarrely thinks it is her prerogative as a female to keep her age a closely guarded secret.
HAVING a child is a life-changing experience. A mostly terrifying one. Here are five of the worst bits from year one, although there could be 50.
A HOT summer can be a testing time for goths. Follow our advice to ensure yours stays safe, but gloomy.
WORRIED that you might be a victim of the gentrification usually reserved for areas of cities? Find out if you’ll soon be priced out of your own life:
A WOMAN wearing a bikini to the beach on a scorching summer day has outraged observers with her flat refusal to frolic.
AN England fan tired of politics getting in the way of football has expressed his disagreement by making a racist political statement that gets in the way of football.
DO you like music? You won’t like football songs then. But with the Euros on the way here’s a few ranked from whale excrement to tolerable.
AS football punditry’s Che Guevara, it’s not just revolutions at Old Trafford that get my backing. Check out my post-game analysis of these world events.
PULLING out of a European group that raises everyone’s income, but it’s a good thing? Uh? Manchester United fan Wayne Hayes explains.
A GROUP of plucky football-loving amateurs have scored a historic six-nil win over England’s billionaire football clubs.
AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?
CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.
LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled...
SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.
EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox.
IS YOUR superiority to others based on not consuming the same media as them? Nathan Muir flaunts his iconoclastic ignorance of perfectly enjoyable things he hasn’t seen.
A BRITISH man fuming at Channel 5 casting a black actress as Anne Boleyn is entirely at ease with a Caucasian Jesus, he confirmed.
AS the Cruella de Vil reboot hits the big screen, here are some other film villains who were misjudged rather than evil.
Making a Spotify playlist for your beloved? Avoid these tunes, as they will demonstrate you're a terrible listener.
WALES is allowing up to 10,000 people to attend outdoor gigs from Monday. But could you survive the weather and drinking of a Welsh music festival?
DID you unduly respect certain bands as a youth, but now have a sneaking suspicion they were knobheads? Here are some that look like twats with hindsight.
ARE you a British business keen to let LGBT+ customers and staff know that they’re special for one month only? Here are the best ways to be an ally.
WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has urged the government to set up some sort of ‘Union of Europe’ to solve his shortage of pub staff.
CLOTHING shops have reminded all their customers that they are now fat bastards so should buy their clothes accordingly.
THE corporate world is a palace of lies so glaringly obvious that they go almost unnoticed. Here are a few of the most frequent:
THE UK’s sole remaining high street shop that has not fallen into bankruptcy is to reopen today.
NOT sure if a faceless corporation is pulling your leg? Check to see if it’s one of these exhaustingly tedious jokes that brands wheel out every April Fools’ Day.