How to defend an absolute twat of a man

HAVE you been called upon, in your professional life, to defend the indefensible actions of a total twat? Tory MP Julian Cook explains how.

'Will Union Jack bunting lead to the rise of fascism?' The Guardian reader's guide to the Jubilee

ARE you a Guardian reader unsure whether you should celebrate the Jubilee? Here’s how to enjoy this outdated patriotic event in an inclusive, ethical and non-nationalistic way.

Ofgem asked what the f**k?

WITH energy bills expected to rise by £800 to a price cap of £2,800 in October, Ofgem have been asked what the actual f**k?

'I’m busy with my hobbies': Six terrible excuses for not having sex

IS your sex life a barren wasteland of involuntary celibacy? Here’s how to unconvincingly claim you’re absolutely fine with that.

Elizabeth line is 'clapped-out piece of shit' say Londoners
RESIDENTS of the capital have derided the Elizabeth line as yet another transportation failure not good enough for them and their great city.
Women and black people shocked by accusations of Met incompetence

WOMEN and black people have been left dumbfounded after learning the Metropolitan police are unable to arrest the right people.

Even BMW drivers think Tesla drivers are arseholes

TESLA drivers are considered to be wankers even by BMW drivers, they have confirmed.

Swearing at 12-year-olds online and other cool gamer behaviours that women love

WOMEN can’t get enough of guys that sit on videogames all day ignoring them. They get especially hot when they see an alpha male doing this stuff.

'Call that a party?'

AN idiot would look at ITV’s photos and leap to the conclusion that a large group of people drinking alcohol constitutes a party. That would be foolish and wrong.

You don't care about this, public reminded

THE public have been reminded by the Conservatives that they are not the least interested in Partygate and want the government to get on with the job.

The Disney characters who'd be good fun to get hammered with

EVER watched a Disney film, wishing you were down the pub, and wondered which would be the best to go on a 12-hour session with? These are the top seven.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Politics

Spin the Conservative Distraction Policy Generator!

LOOKING for a policy that will tear headlines away from your cost-of-living ineptitude for a day? Try spinning the Conservative Distraction Policy Generator! Just follow these instructions...

I am an inspiration to other people of stupidity. By Liz Truss

I WAS first diagnosed as stupid when I was 16. For a while doctors thought I might be dyslexic or autistic, so to learn I was a person of stupidity was a great relief.

Have you considered already being extremely rich? By Rishi Sunak

WITH prices hitting a 40-year high, guest columnist Rishi Sunak asks if you have considered being extremely rich like him.

How to talk about inflation but not mention Brexit

INFLATION rampant? Exports dropping? Sterling completely f**ked? Here’s how to discuss it without mentioning the red, white and blue elephant in the room.

How we could ease the cost-of-living crisis but no f**king way will we, by the Tories

THERE are so many things we could do to ease the cost-of-living crisis that we will not go f**king near. Conservative MP Denys Finch Hatton explains.

We must help those least impacted by the cost of living crisis, pledges Johnson

WITH the poorest struggling to put food on the table, it’s imperative that we slash taxes for the nation’s highest earners, writes Boris Johnson.

Five things you can get out of by blaming the cost-of-living crisis
THE cost-of-living crisis isn’t all bad news, except for the Tories. It’s a cast-iron excuse to get out of these obligations.

Society

The vindictive bastard's guide to why a recession would be great

MANY voters in the UK are mainly motivated by seeing other people get shafted. Here total shit Norman Steele explains whose lives should be made miserable by the predicted recession.

Middle class family enjoying pretending cost-of-living crisis will affect them

A MIDDLE class family are having lots of fun pretending they will be impacted by the cost-of-living crisis, it has emerged.

N-Dubz, and other f**king awful things from the 2000s to get weirdly nostalgic about

A SURPRISINGLY large number of people are excited to hear that N-Dubz are reforming. What other cultural lowlights are best left in the 2000s?

Grey squirrels voted UK's cutest vermin

THE grey squirrel has topped a poll to find the country's cutest vermin that should be exterminated, closely followed by moles.

Man who claims he's neither a boob or an arse guy asked what he likes about women then

A MAN who says he is neither a boob man nor an arse man has forced friends to conclude that there must be not be anything he likes about women.

Young person not going to make mistake of getting old

A YOUNG person has decided they will not fall into the trap of getting old like their parents and grandparents did.

Pitch just a large grassed area, pitch invaders discover
PITCH invaders at football games have discovered that the pitch is no more than a large grassed oblong with white lines painted on it.

Lifestyle

The twat's guide to letting everyone know you're sick of standing in a queue

WANT to make the queue you’re standing in move faster? Here are five tactics that won’t make a blind bit of difference but will make sure everyone else knows you’re a dickhead.

How to be a f**king annoying passenger on a car journey

NOT content with reclining in the passenger seat while someone else does all the work? Here’s how to be so irritating they drive into a tree.

The five-point guide to deciding if you should have a wank

WAVERING about your commitment to having a hand shandy? Find out if the conditions are opportune with this guide.

Six aspects of your porn viewing you'd rather not talk about

IT’S supposedly normal to watch porn now, but you’d still prefer not to have a good old chat about it with your partner. Here are some issues you’d rather didn’t come up.

Jeans with holes in: products Northern dads can't see the bloody point of

ARE you looking to fritter away your hard-earned cash on pointless, defective goods? Then you no doubt buy these stupid products, writes Northern father Bill McKay. 

Seven hobbies that inexplicably haven't caught on with women

STRANGELY, certain hobbies have never developed a female following. Here beer festival regular Martin Bishop lists some of the wonderful activities women are missing out on.

You don't actually like each other, and five other relationship red flags
IS your romantic relationship the envy of your friends, or is it held back by not being able to stand each other?

Sport

Preston supporter stresses his hatred of Blackpool is non-homophobic

A PRESTON North End supporter has stressed his enduring hatred of Blackpool FC has nothing to do with its pioneering out gay player.

Man's greatest achievements in life were as an imaginary football manager

A MAN has looked back at his life and concluded that all of the achievements he is proudest of came while playing simulations of managing football teams.

Six sports that aren't sports because you play them pissed in the pub

THINK you’re sporty because you once beat your dad at arm-wrestling? No sport you can do after eight pints really counts as a true athletic endeavour.

The Guardian guide to whether supporting your football club is ethical

FOOTBALL fans love nothing more than running their support past the Guardian to check they’re meeting its ethical standards. Where does your club stand?

Child should not be learning martial arts

AN already aggressive child is taking lessons in how to punch and kick people more effectively.

The pleb's guide to dressing up all fancy like a twat for Cheltenham

GOING to the races and want to look fancy when your normal attire is trackie bottoms and trainers? Here’s how to dress for Cheltenham on a budget.

Player husband dropping hints he still has sex with wife
AN office worker is lording it over his colleagues by alluding that he still occasionally has carnal knowledge of his wife.

Science & Technology

Six essential cybersecurity tips to ignore entirely

YOUR money, your identity and your life are all online, and you’re still using the same password you used on MySpace in 2006. Ignore these tips.

Six statements of corporate bullshit every company feels obliged to make

EVERY business trots out varying amounts of spurious bullshit on their website. But which statements are embraced by all marketing teams trying to convince us they aren't evil?

If only there were some way I could leave Twitter, sigh Twitter obsessives

TWITTER obsessives outraged by Elon Musk’s purchase of it wish there was some way they could quit the hellsite ruining their lives.

14 WhatsApp messages to pretend you haven't seen

WHATSAPP can be useful, but it’s just as likely to turn into the bane of your f**king life. Mainly when people do these things... 

Motorists allowed to watch TV while self-driving cars fight crime

UNDER the new Highway Code, motorists will be allowed to watch TV while self-driving cars fight crime, it has emerged.

Nuclear power plants 'won't make Suffolk any more unliveable'

THE construction of new nuclear power plants in Suffolk will not make the region significantly worse to live in, it has emerged.

What I wasn't told at the meeting that didn't happen, by Sue Gray
SEVERAL weeks ago, I did not attend a meeting with not the prime minister who at no point edited my report. Here is my timeline of non-events.

Arts & Entertainment

The five stages of getting sucked into a really shit TV show

FROM slagging off your partner for watching it to staying up all night to finish the series, these are the stages of getting stupidly invested in a dreadful telly programme.

The beloved TV pets from your childhood who are long dead

REMEMBER the adorable animals who had you pressing your nose to your TV screen as a small child? Wondering where they are now? Get ready for bad news.

UK comes second in Eurovision sympathy vote

BRITAIN came a proud second after Ukraine in Eurovision after being recognised as the next most f**ked country in the competition.

Straight man afraid to watch Eurovision

AN INSECURE heterosexual man is too scared to watch Eurovision because it is so camp, it has emerged.

Ukraine to win, Britain nul points: Your guide to the Eurovision popularity contest

EUROVISION is just around the corner, but how will it go down? As predictably as you expect, so like this:

Large swathes of history off-limits to new Doctor Who

TIME traveller Doctor Who has admitted he will not by swinging by America pre-1960s quite so often after he regenerates as a black man.

The awkward loser's guide to hitting on women
WANT to approach women but don't know how? Awkward loser Martin Bishop explains how to ineptly seduce the fairer sex.

Business

Six ways to get through three weeks of Jubilee wank

HORSES are parading, M&S biscuits are rebranded, and Nicholas Witchell is clearing his throat. Jubilee hysteria is upon us. Here’s how to make it through.

Smug Bitcoin bastards getting long-overdue comeuppance

SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.

Seven brands that arseholes love

IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these.

Coked-up guy ranting about crypto in bar hopes everyone is listening

A DRUNK man, noticeably high on cocaine and bellowing about cryptocurrencies in a central London pub, is hoping people are taking his excellent financial advice. 

So how exactly do tax cuts make the rich work harder? A CEO explains

THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.

If I can become a multi-millionaire anyone can, says businessman vastly underestimating role of luck

A BUSINESSMAN from a humble background who built a fortune from scratch wrongly believes his example proves that anyone can be rich.

Hourglass, pear, spoon or bloke: what's your body shape?
DO you think your body is of averagely human appearance? You’re wrong. These are the bullshit body shapes you need to choose between.

Work

Seven topics of conversation you shouldn't get your arsehole colleagues started on

SMALL talk is the office go-to for a reason – it avoids you discovering the extent of your colleagues’ awful personalities. Broach these topics at your own risk.

World's first non-toxic workplace discovered

EXPLORERS have discovered the world’s first non-toxic workplace, which until now was believed to be a myth.

Basically, you're f**ked: The changes to National Insurance explained

NOT sure what the changes to National Insurance are all about? Get your head around the basics with this guide.

Dear Donna. How can I deal with my arsehole boss? Nikolai, 3rd Spetsnaz Brigade

MY boss is a complete arsehole, ordering me and my colleagues to do things we're not happy about, such as our current works outing to Ukraine.

Meeting couldn't even have been an email

AN outright pointless Monday meeting did not even contain enough substance to have made it as an email, attendees have confirmed.

'Any plans for the weekend?': Six workplace questions that might be a trap

CONVERSATIONS with colleagues can be fun, or you may start to suspect you’re being quietly interrogated for nefarious purposes. Here are six questions that should set off alarm bells.

The five worst house guests you've ever had, ranked
HAVING guests over seems like a nice idea but the reality is that people are largely rude, annoying bastards. Here are the worst.

Alcohol

Hair of the dog: phrases to convince yourself to keep drinking like an idiot

NOT sure whether you need another drink or not? Utter one of these phrases and your doubt will instantly be washed away by another pint of lager.

Drinking at lunchtime: The dream versus the reality

ARE you tempted to have a lunchtime drink like some sort of effortlessly cool continental? Here's how reality will shit on your dreams of sophistication.

'May contain prosecco' t-shirts, and other ways Brits pretend their rampant alcoholism is fun

IT’S hard to believe, but we Brits like a few drinks. However the last thing we want to do is take punishing our livers too seriously. Here’s how to keep terrifying levels of alcohol consumption fun.

How to carefully mix your drinks for the ultimate all-day hangover

YOU'RE drinking tonight, but have you planned your alcohol consumption to create a hangover that will take you out for 24 hours? Follow this guide.

How to talk to an incredibly pissed person

YOU'RE out the pub when a pissed-up stranger, who seems to think he knows you, opens a slurred dialogue. Here's how to cope.

Is it your fault that last round cost £36 f**king quid? Take our quiz

THE drinks are in but the twat who paid for them looks f**king livid. Find out if their rage is your fault.

Your local pubs, from worst to best
THERE are many pubs within walking distance of your home, but you only drink in one. Two at a push. Here’s why.