The Disney characters who'd be good fun to get hammered with
EVER watched a Disney film, wishing you were down the pub, and wondered which would be the best to go on a 12-hour session with? These are the top seven.
THE cost-of-living crisis isn’t all bad news, except for the Tories. It’s a cast-iron excuse to get out of these obligations.
PITCH invaders at football games have discovered that the pitch is no more than a large grassed oblong with white lines painted on it.
IS your romantic relationship the envy of your friends, or is it held back by not being able to stand each other?
SEVERAL weeks ago, I did not attend a meeting with not the prime minister who at no point edited my report. Here is my timeline of non-events.
WANT to approach women but don't know how? Awkward loser Martin Bishop explains how to ineptly seduce the fairer sex.
DO you think your body is of averagely human appearance? You’re wrong. These are the bullshit body shapes you need to choose between.
HAVING guests over seems like a nice idea but the reality is that people are largely rude, annoying bastards. Here are the worst.
THERE are many pubs within walking distance of your home, but you only drink in one. Two at a push. Here’s why.
THE hot new dating trend is to endlessly f**k around on apps and never actually go on any dates with anybody, it has emerged.
Politics
THERE are so many things we could do to ease the cost-of-living crisis that we will not go f**king near. Conservative MP Denys Finch Hatton explains.
WITH the poorest struggling to put food on the table, it’s imperative that we slash taxes for the nation’s highest earners, writes Boris Johnson.
WONDERING what the f**k 'levelling up' means for your town? The government won't explain, so here's how to take a wild guess.
THE Northern Ireland Protocol has helped protect decades of peace in the province. Let me, Liz Truss, explain why that is a bad thing.
THE government has decided to fire 91,000 civil servants who it assumes are completely dispensable layabouts.
DOWNING Street has set up a TikTok account for the Prime Minister. So which pathetic trends will he be following in an attempt to be popular?
Society
THE grey squirrel has topped a poll to find the country's cutest vermin that should be exterminated, closely followed by moles.
A MAN who says he is neither a boob man nor an arse man has forced friends to conclude that there must be not be anything he likes about women.
A YOUNG person has decided they will not fall into the trap of getting old like their parents and grandparents did.
MALE? Horny? Convinced that every encounter with the opposite sex is absolutely bubbling with suppressed sexual energy? Especially these ones?
LIES are the glue that holds society together, and sometimes you’re forced to be not 100 per cent totally sincere. Like every time you use these phrases.
WORRIED you’re losing touch with real life? Take our quiz and find out if you’re quite grounded or talking shite like Tory MP Lee Anderson. Award yourself points as instructed.
Lifestyle
NOT content with reclining in the passenger seat while someone else does all the work? Here’s how to be so irritating they drive into a tree.
WAVERING about your commitment to having a hand shandy? Find out if the conditions are opportune with this guide.
IT’S supposedly normal to watch porn now, but you’d still prefer not to have a good old chat about it with your partner. Here are some issues you’d rather didn’t come up.
ARE you looking to fritter away your hard-earned cash on pointless, defective goods? Then you no doubt buy these stupid products, writes Northern father Bill McKay.
STRANGELY, certain hobbies have never developed a female following. Here beer festival regular Martin Bishop lists some of the wonderful activities women are missing out on.
TEENAGERS are appropriating the things you loved and claiming they’re ‘vintage’ or ‘retro’. And it’s definitely just to make you feel geriatric. Here are their top olden-days picks.
Sport
A PRESTON North End supporter has stressed his enduring hatred of Blackpool FC has nothing to do with its pioneering out gay player.
A MAN has looked back at his life and concluded that all of the achievements he is proudest of came while playing simulations of managing football teams.
THINK you’re sporty because you once beat your dad at arm-wrestling? No sport you can do after eight pints really counts as a true athletic endeavour.
FOOTBALL fans love nothing more than running their support past the Guardian to check they’re meeting its ethical standards. Where does your club stand?
AN already aggressive child is taking lessons in how to punch and kick people more effectively.
GOING to the races and want to look fancy when your normal attire is trackie bottoms and trainers? Here’s how to dress for Cheltenham on a budget.
Science & Technology
YOUR money, your identity and your life are all online, and you’re still using the same password you used on MySpace in 2006. Ignore these tips.
EVERY business trots out varying amounts of spurious bullshit on their website. But which statements are embraced by all marketing teams trying to convince us they aren't evil?
TWITTER obsessives outraged by Elon Musk’s purchase of it wish there was some way they could quit the hellsite ruining their lives.
WHATSAPP can be useful, but it’s just as likely to turn into the bane of your f**king life. Mainly when people do these things...
UNDER the new Highway Code, motorists will be allowed to watch TV while self-driving cars fight crime, it has emerged.
THE construction of new nuclear power plants in Suffolk will not make the region significantly worse to live in, it has emerged.
Arts & Entertainment
FROM slagging off your partner for watching it to staying up all night to finish the series, these are the stages of getting stupidly invested in a dreadful telly programme.
REMEMBER the adorable animals who had you pressing your nose to your TV screen as a small child? Wondering where they are now? Get ready for bad news.
BRITAIN came a proud second after Ukraine in Eurovision after being recognised as the next most f**ked country in the competition.
AN INSECURE heterosexual man is too scared to watch Eurovision because it is so camp, it has emerged.
EUROVISION is just around the corner, but how will it go down? As predictably as you expect, so like this:
TIME traveller Doctor Who has admitted he will not by swinging by America pre-1960s quite so often after he regenerates as a black man.
Business
HORSES are parading, M&S biscuits are rebranded, and Nicholas Witchell is clearing his throat. Jubilee hysteria is upon us. Here’s how to make it through.
SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.
IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these.
A DRUNK man, noticeably high on cocaine and bellowing about cryptocurrencies in a central London pub, is hoping people are taking his excellent financial advice.
THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.
A BUSINESSMAN from a humble background who built a fortune from scratch wrongly believes his example proves that anyone can be rich.
Work
SMALL talk is the office go-to for a reason – it avoids you discovering the extent of your colleagues’ awful personalities. Broach these topics at your own risk.
EXPLORERS have discovered the world’s first non-toxic workplace, which until now was believed to be a myth.
NOT sure what the changes to National Insurance are all about? Get your head around the basics with this guide.
MY boss is a complete arsehole, ordering me and my colleagues to do things we're not happy about, such as our current works outing to Ukraine.
AN outright pointless Monday meeting did not even contain enough substance to have made it as an email, attendees have confirmed.
CONVERSATIONS with colleagues can be fun, or you may start to suspect you’re being quietly interrogated for nefarious purposes. Here are six questions that should set off alarm bells.
Alcohol
NOT sure whether you need another drink or not? Utter one of these phrases and your doubt will instantly be washed away by another pint of lager.
ARE you tempted to have a lunchtime drink like some sort of effortlessly cool continental? Here's how reality will shit on your dreams of sophistication.
IT’S hard to believe, but we Brits like a few drinks. However the last thing we want to do is take punishing our livers too seriously. Here’s how to keep terrifying levels of alcohol consumption fun.
YOU'RE drinking tonight, but have you planned your alcohol consumption to create a hangover that will take you out for 24 hours? Follow this guide.
YOU'RE out the pub when a pissed-up stranger, who seems to think he knows you, opens a slurred dialogue. Here's how to cope.
THE drinks are in but the twat who paid for them looks f**king livid. Find out if their rage is your fault.
