KEIR Starmer has defended his controversial and petty decision to remove Margaret Thatcher’s portrait by saying it is exactly what she would have wanted.

THE prime minister has reassured the public that Britain will be back on track in around five billion years when the sun has become a red giant.

YOU love a bit of austerity, don’t you? That’s what you voted for and now you’re going to get it - good and hard. No lube.

WOMEN can hardly pillow-fight in frilly nightwear while giggling without men salivating over its sexy sapphism. These behaviours give them the hopeful horn...

THE government is to force councils, even in nice places, to build nasty little red boxes and to pack them with the kind of humans who can consider such a thing ‘home’.

A SURVEY which found UK 15-year-olds have the lowest life satisfaction in Europe has come as no surprise to their parents.

PERUSING an Underground map, you imagine London is filled with beautiful, charming enclaves. How wrong you are, for these quaint-sounding areas are actually shitholes.

THE August bank holiday is easily the worst of all the year’s bank holidays, the UK has decided.

ETON is charging an extra 20 per cent and the rest of the country’s exclusive twat farms will surely follow, forcing the well-heeled to forgo these basic needs.

A MAN who grudgingly bought a round will stay out and drink more than he wanted to purely to make his money back, he has confirmed.

EVERY man has a bucket list of achievements he dreamed of as a boy before bowing to societal pressure and pretending he meant a threesome. These are his true wants.

A GROUND-BREAKING gay man is breaking the mould of well-dressed, hilarious and fascinating gay guys by being absolutely none of those things.

A GROWN man thinks it is cute for him to refer to weekday evening as ‘school nights’, it has emerged.

A RESEARCH team has concluded that astrology is real and Virgos are total arseholes to a man.

FOLLOWING the shocking exposure of Jermaine Jenas as neither bland nor sexless enough for The One Show, who will take football’s top presenting job?

THE multi-million pound transfer market is once again ridiculing the pointless allegiances of football fans.

A NEW Premier League season has begun, but which club deserves to win it most and will therefore inevitably triumph?

THE Olympic Games were kidnapped by an abseiling maniac from the Church of Scientology right under the noses of a global audience last night.

THE horrific crash during the women’s cycling at the Paris Olympics yesterday has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

AUSTRALIA are fourth in the Olympic medal table despite the country’s disdain for any activity that emphasises physical achievement over intellectual prowess.

TALL researchers have concluded that short men are inferior in every possible way.

BILLIONAIRE and philanthropist Bill Gates has sacrificed his life to make Windows work again.

A FAULTY software update has crippled banking, airlines, trains and everything else that runs on Windows, it has emerged.

GOT up to buy Oasis tickets in your lucky bucket hat and round sunglasses? These are the six stages of your failure.

BRITAIN'S media is frantically churning out witless articles about ‘Cool Britannia II’ thanks to the Oasis reunion. See how many of these words and phrases you can spot.

CAME of age during Britpop? Can’t hear those classic songs without flashing back to a moment of buttock-clenching shame? These are the memories they evoke.

PAUL McCartney and Ringo Starr have announced a Beatles reunion purely out of spite.

COULD you, for no more than £400 million pounds, pretend your brother is not a total arsehole for six weeks?

PARENTS love to curate their children’s viewing, perhaps in recognition they have little else to offer. Within 20 minutes of each of these beginning, the kids will be done.

TICKETMASTER have explained tickets were only priced so low for Oasis’s concerts next year because they were not convinced it would be popular.

RYANAIR and Wetherspoons are fighting each other while rolling in filth and shouting incoherently, all over a couple of cans of lager.

A SHEIN superfan has argued a little child exploitation in the developing world is worth it for easy access to cheap, poorly made clothes that she will wear once.

ESTATE agents, using the magic of language, can transform even the foulest shithole into a desirable property worth borrowing £300,000 for. Here’s how they would sell you.

A SWEET, delusional man expects his 40-hour a week job to cover not only rent but utility bills and food, he has admitted.

A DEVIOUS manager has heaped praise on his staff only because he knows it will motivate them to double their efforts.

A RELAXED, fashionable office of high-earning professionals kept at a breezy 21 degrees is being watched jealously from the pavement outside.

A LIFEGUARD at a public swimming pool senses that the time may have finally come for him to perform an action that is neither sitting, standing or walking.

A TEENAGER is shattered after a full day of imagining what a full day at work would be like.

SCIENTISTS in Britain’s capital believe they are only months away from creating an ordinary point of beer which costs more than £15.

SHITFACED way after midnight? Illogically hungry? These are the foods you will stumblingly prepare yourself, ranked from worst to best.

PINTS are scientifically proven to make all your troubles melt away, but the time of day can make them taste even sweeter. These are the best times to drink one, ranked.

THE time is now exactly knock off work and drink five delicious pints in a beer garden o’clock, scientists have confirmed.

GIGGLING friends suspect a woman, aged 33 and newly married, is refusing all alcohol because she is in a delicate condition after an epic session.