How to endure being stuck behind a slow walker

TRYING to get somewhere? Stuck a human cosplaying as a tortoise? Survive the ordeal with these tips.

High street barber proudly advertising the worst haircuts you've ever seen

A BARBER has photos of outdated fades and awful styles in its window to attract customers.

'He never molested me,' says Johnson

THE prime minister has confirmed that he disregarded reports that Chris Pincher was a sex molester because he was at no point a victim himself.

The middle-aged guide to fitting in with Gen Z work colleagues

IS everyone else on the video call younger and cooler than you? Did they not get your ‘computer says no’ gag? Hide your true age with these tips.

Key component of slimming Mediterranean diet is chain-smoking
THE crucial element of the southern European diet that keeps natives so attractively thin is not olive oil or leafy vegetables but endless cigarettes.
How to be dumb enough to get catfished

CATFISHING – being defrauded online by someone pretending to be something they are absolutely not – isn’t for everyone. Are you thick enough to fall for it?

Man can't be sexist because he has sisters, wife and mother

A MAN has confirmed that it is impossible for him to be a misogynist as he is related to and has lived with several women.

Middle aged man unaware club playing all his favourite songs is having a retro night

A MAN who thought all his favourite songs were still cool and relevant was oblivious to the fact that they were being played ironically, it has emerged.

Old photos of you f**king hilarious

PHOTOS of you from the past make everyone laugh because you look like a total idiot, it has been confirmed.

That chick from Ex Machina, and other robots you would totally bang

EVERYONE has standards, but don't pretend you're above shagging a robot. Here are five you totally would.

Woman's ideal film basically a rom-com with hardcore scenes

A WOMAN has admitted that what she really wants from a movie is a sweet, touching romantic comedy with hardcore sex scenes.

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Politics

Scotland acting like there's something bad about England again

SCOTLAND is once again acting like living next door to England under English rule is not an entirely positive experience.

Britain announces plan to break law, like all successful lawbreakers

THE UK has announced and outlined in full its plan to break international law, as all successful criminals routinely do before committing crimes.

Six professions that could be on strike now and you wouldn't have f**king noticed

IF your bin goes uncollected or your train is cancelled, Britain demands those responsible are shot as communists. If these non-key workers withdraw labour, nobody gives a shit.

Six despicable movie villains who'd make better prime ministers than any of the Cabinet

BORIS Johnson is planning a third term in office, unaware that he’s f**ked. But a competent evil genius would be a better leader than any of the actual options.

Dear Donna: I've surrounded myself with idiots and everyone hates me. How do I maintain my optimism?

MY high-profile job is at risk because I’ve surrounded myself with inept morons and pathetic toadies who are slowly turning against me. How can I lift my flagging spirits?

Zelensky knows who's ringing before even looking at phone

PRESIDENT Zelensky, who has just noted the UK by-election results on international news, knows exactly who this is calling on the phone.

2022 all downhill from here
2022 has passed its joyful halfway point and only gets worse from now on, everyone has realised.

Society

How to cope with wildly successful celebrities way younger than you

ARE popular, lauded and hugely famous people now a good decade younger than you? Keep telling yourself you’ve got plenty of time with these tips.

Man's gaydar so outdated it cannot detect post-2000 homosexuals

A MAN’S once-functioning gaydar is so outdated it is no longer able to detect anyone who came out post-millennium.

'Vibrant al fresco dating scene': How an estate agent will describe dogging next to your house

ESTATE agents are dutybound to polish even the most awful of turds. Here’s how they’d present these nightmare scenarios.

Blackberrys, poking, watching Lost: Really-quite-recent things young people haven't heard of

YOUNG people were put on this Earth to make you feel old and irrelevant. Here are five recent things which, depressingly, will mean nothing to them.

Ever fancied driving a train? Want to drive one tomorrow? Go for it!

EVER fancied driving a train? Let us, the government, give you the chance. Don’t worry, it’s like riding a bike, except it weighs 200 tonnes and can easily cause hundreds of deaths.

A massive walk to work vs having rights: The argument your brain is having about the strikes

STRIKING for better pay and conditions is vital, but walking four miles to get to work is a huge pain in the arse. How is your brain arguing with itself about the strikes?

15 things only invented as a piss-take that have inexplicably caught on
MUCH of daily life was invented as a bit of a joke and somehow we've bought it. Take these examples.

Lifestyle

How to live with the shame of a holiday in the UK, by a middle-class family

AIRPORT chaos and the cost of living crisis means yet another staycation. Well-heeled couple the Muirs explain how to survive without a fortnight in Tuscany.

Only awful people get to buy houses abroad, confirm experts

ONLY the most annoying people you know are in the position to buy a second home abroad, it has been confirmed.

Sex outdoors: how to finish when you wish you hadn't started

THE summer’s here, clothes are skimpy, nobody’s around, you’ve initiated sex and wish you hadn’t. Here’s how to finish.

Having a one-night stand to save the cab fare, and other awful ways to end a night out

GETTING pissed and vomiting in the gutter not a bad enough way to end a night out? Try these grim situations instead.

Brand name baked beans: Five purchases that will now bankrupt you

POPPING to the shops for a few bits? Be careful. Adding these items to your basket could now ruin you financially.

Six purchases to make you look and feel like lottery-winning scum

DOING alright? Bought an enormous television? Keep feeling like everyone is judging you for it? They are. And for these things:

Your dad's agonising attempts to be liberal about Pride
AS a 68-year-old heterosexual dad, you wouldn’t think I’d be supporting Gay Pride. But I’m actually very liberal about nancy boys. Here are some of my broadminded views.

Sport

Five reasons British people are obsessed with Wimbledon that have f**k all to do with tennis

BRITISH people ignore tennis all year until Wimbledon rolls around, but why? These are the real reasons behind their fickle obsession.

Britain could be watching World Cup now if not for f**king Qatar

THE UK has realised it would be balls-deep in a World Cup summer right now if the tournament had not been awarded to f**king Qatar.

Pitch just a large grassed area, pitch invaders discover

PITCH invaders at football games have discovered that the pitch is no more than a large grassed oblong with white lines painted on it.

Preston supporter stresses his hatred of Blackpool is non-homophobic

A PRESTON North End supporter has stressed his enduring hatred of Blackpool FC has nothing to do with its pioneering out gay player.

Man's greatest achievements in life were as an imaginary football manager

A MAN has looked back at his life and concluded that all of the achievements he is proudest of came while playing simulations of managing football teams.

Six sports that aren't sports because you play them pissed in the pub

THINK you’re sporty because you once beat your dad at arm-wrestling? No sport you can do after eight pints really counts as a true athletic endeavour.

Eye of the Tiger: The songs every prick has on their running playlist
WANT to motivate yourself to achieve some minor fitness goal? Download these tracks and imagine you’re at Olympian levels of fitness and not another decrepit jogger gasping for air.

Science & Technology

How to be a messianic tech bro overlord

ARE you a Silicon Valley zealot reshaping the world in your inhuman image? Include all these in your 3.0 version build:

Wifi strength improved by living virtuous life, Britain told

THE reliability of your home’s internet connection can be improved through good deeds and pure thoughts, senior UK church members said today.

New dating app uses dick pics for profile photos to save everyone time

A NEW dating app is cutting out the middleman by allowing male users to post a picture of their knob as their profile photo.

Immature 30-year-old treated as sage elder on TikTok

A MILLENNIAL woman relatively immature for her age has found herself elevated to the position of wise, venerable matriarch since joining TikTok.

Swearing at 12-year-olds online and other cool gamer behaviours that women love

WOMEN can’t get enough of guys that sit on videogames all day ignoring them. They get especially hot when they see an alpha male doing this stuff.

Cling film and other seemingly simple inventions they still manage to f**k up

MANKIND can travel into space and cure cancer, so how come so many straightforward minor inventions are useless and annoying? Like these…

The Live & Kicking phone-in number, and other useless shit you're incapable of forgetting
IF asked to recite the Live & Kicking phone-in number on pain of death, you’d blurt out ‘0181 811 8181’ in a second. Here are the utterly useless things you can easily recall.

Arts & Entertainment

The six most f**ked-up accents in film history

WATCHING a film and thinking ‘hang on, what the f**k is that accent supposed to be?’ Nobody has ever spoken like these people.

Which Glastonbury set are you boring the arse off everybody about today?

GLASTONBURY took place this weekend, you watched some of it on the telly, and you’ve decided the ___ set was so great it’s key to your identity. But which?

Glastonbury twats on train worse than rail strike

THE presence of morons returning from Glastonbury by train is worse than the rail strike itself, other passengers have confirmed.

Seven miserable, shameful Glastonbury moments

EVERYBODY’S looking for their Glastonbury moment and everyone gets one. But not all of them are positive.

Happy Days, and other TV shows that baffled your childhood mind

DID certain TV shows leave you confused and even quite anxious as a child? Here are some you lacked the life experience to realise were bollocks.

Woman desperate for Glastonbury to end so she can wank on about being at Glastonbury

A WOMAN at Glastonbury is counting down the seconds until the festival ends and she can start banging on about it to everyone. 

Six things ordinary people don't do even when they're falling-down pissed
THE deputy chief whip has resigned after groping two men while thoroughly hammered on a Wednesday night. Normal people do not do this. Or these things.

Business

Six ways to get through three weeks of Jubilee wank

HORSES are parading, M&S biscuits are rebranded, and Nicholas Witchell is clearing his throat. Jubilee hysteria is upon us. Here’s how to make it through.

Smug Bitcoin bastards getting long-overdue comeuppance

SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.

Seven brands that arseholes love

IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these.

Coked-up guy ranting about crypto in bar hopes everyone is listening

A DRUNK man, noticeably high on cocaine and bellowing about cryptocurrencies in a central London pub, is hoping people are taking his excellent financial advice. 

So how exactly do tax cuts make the rich work harder? A CEO explains

THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.

If I can become a multi-millionaire anyone can, says businessman vastly underestimating role of luck

A BUSINESSMAN from a humble background who built a fortune from scratch wrongly believes his example proves that anyone can be rich.

How to not mentally picture it
STRUGGLING to block out the mental image of Carrie Johnson doing… you know? Follow this advice.

Work

How to erroneously believe you're the best boss any employee could ever ask for

YOU care so much about your employees, you even call them at home at weekends. A management expert explains how to make your business your family.

Woman too sweaty to remove jacket

A WOMAN is bitterly regretting her decision to wear a blazer to work on one of the muggiest days of the year.

How much should you be paid? A gammon decides

WITH the biggest rail strike for 30 years underway, what should train drivers be paid? 58-year-old Roy Hobbs of Swindon, who knows f**k all, decides.

Graphic designers, and other careers your mum erroneously thinks make shitloads

DOES your mum believe she knows of a career option that would make you rich? She has no idea that these five jobs are just as badly paid as yours.

How to get your boss to agree to whatever you want

IS your boss being a dick about giving you a payrise while moving you to a three-day week? Get around their spurious objections.

Flight attendants and other professions that smile while they hate you

AIRLINE staff maintain a warm smile even for hen parties on gin who need a piss during take-off. These careers pay you for kindness to arseholes.

The Englishman abroad's guide to foreigners' bloody ridiculous customs
HOLIDAYING abroad is a bewildering experience for patriotic Brits. Here dyed-in-the-wool xenophobe Roy Hobbs explains the bollocks you'll have to put up with from the weird locals.

Alcohol

Five talents you never knew you had until you started drinking

CONSUMING alcohol in large quantities can unleash talents you never knew you had. And may possibly want to forget. Skills such as these…

Man puzzled to be thirsty despite drinking five pints in blazing sun

A MAN who drank five pints of lager in the full glare of the sun was bemused to find he still had a raging thirst, it has emerged.

John Smith's is for old farts, Stella's for psychos: What your pint says about you

THE pub is a fine British institution where people come together to stare silently into the bottom of a pint glass while getting shitfaced. But what does your choice of pint say about you?

How to pace your four-day piss up for the Queen

IT is your patriotic duty to get royally pissed for Her Majesty this Jubilee weekend. But make sure you pace yourself properly with these tips.

Passengers facing eight-hour queues for airport pubs

TRAVELLERS arriving at airports are facing queues of up to eight hours to get served at airport pubs, they have complained.

The Disney characters who'd be good fun to get hammered with

EVER watched a Disney film, wishing you were down the pub, and wondered which would be the best to go on a 12-hour session with? These are the top seven.

'I walked in and Gavin Williamson was rimming a tarantula'
THE government is facing more embarrassing sex allegations after an advisor claimed he saw Gavin Williamson performing a sex act on a venomous spider.