WE all need food to survive, but I like to make cooking and eating as needlessly complicated as possible. Here are my tips, writes foodie Helen Archer.
A WOMAN eats a bowl of porridge each morning that is made up of 11 per cent oats and 89 per cent a load of other crap, it has emerged.
WANT to squander your one and only life while browsing other people’s unwanted tat? Here’s how to go about it in a charity shop.
FOLLOWING Brexit and Covid, traditional Christmas markets are now a grumpy bastard from Walsall selling cans of Carling out of a shed.
MUSIC history is littered with performers hailed as groundbreaking legends. Here are some you'll get abuse for if you so much as hint they’re not musical geniuses.
BEING disinvited by France is the latest in a long line of snubs for Priti Patel. Here is everything the Home Secretary has been turned away from during her life so far.
DESPITE having left school many, many years ago, there are still some absolutely useless pieces of learning clogging up your brain...
POPULAR cartoon character Daddy Pig has arrived at work to give an important speech rambling and obviously drunk.
HEY, BBC. I like the broadcasting corporation you got there. David Attenborough. Nice. Real national treasure. Strictly Come Dancing. Light entertainment a country can really sink its teeth into. Like I say, nice.
THE prime minister has announced that the only jobs MPs will be allowed from now on are Telegraph columnist, writing books about Shakespeare or Mayor of London.
ALL rail, road and footpath links to Leeds are to be severed permanently from the end of 2021, the government has announced.
NAIVE dickheads are speculating whether Boris Johnson, who won an 80-seat majority on lies and illegal shit, can survive a few corrupt mates.
NEW social care laws mean your elderly parents will have to sell their home to pay for their care, unless they live in the South-East. Care minister Gillian Keegan explains how to hang onto your inheritance.
LOOKING for a Christmas gift for that person who has it all? Pile of stinking manure salesman Martin Bishop explains why it’s this year’s hottest gift.
YOUR barista is not making a pass at you, sorry. But kid yourself they are by taking this quiz.
THE day that men talk about on International Women’s Day is finally here. Here’s how to celebrate it like a man.
YOUR kids won’t believe you when you claim not to have had a phone at school. Here’s how to explain the strange and alien educational world you once inhabited.
SOCIAL media has been blamed for strange behavioural tics in teenagers. Here’s why you were fortunate to avoid today’s social advances while growing up in the 80s.
FASHION doesn’t exist indoors. Instead comfort reigns, which means you answer the door to the postman wearing these outfits.
A WOMAN is convinced she can be ready to leave the house in 15 minutes despite never once doing so in her entire adult life.
SIGNALLING to other motorists is an integral aspect of driving, and some intentions can only be expressed through hand gestures. Here’s a guide to the important ones.
A DOG whose owner prefers canine to human company has confirmed that he absolutely does not prefer humans to dogs.
ARE you actually set to arrive on time for once in your life? Here’s how to f**k yourself over just before you cross the finish line.
IT’S your friend’s birthday, and the least you can do is post them a card. Here’s how that one simple action will take over your life for a fortnight.
THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.
REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.
THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:
RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.
WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don't give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics.
NEED to relay basic information without sounding bitchy? Good luck - even these innocent texts sound passive aggressive.
WILL Facebook’s exciting new online world be a digital oasis? Or a bit of a disappointment that’s increasingly a chore? Let’s look at the evidence.
MUM is messaging and the emojis are flowing but her choices are utterly baffling. Here’s what she’s really trying to say:
THE silent smugness of an approaching electric car can scare you shitless. What sounds could be added as a warning?
A CARDIGAN that claims on its care label to be 'hand-wash only' has been told to get a f**king grip.
INCREDIBLE cosmic events are ideal for proclaiming ‘Let’s stay up’ before nodding off by 10pm. These spectacular meteor showers will be missed for these valid reasons.
REMEMBER the 2010s as a time of musical experimentation and lyrical brilliance? You shouldn’t. These ear-defiling tracks will forever define the decade.
YOUNG people buying limited edition cassette tapes by their favourite artists are twats, everyone has agreed.
THE best film ever is officially one you have seen before, did not know was on and turn on halfway through at a good bit when drunk.
IT can be disorientating trying to recall a dream, but it's worse when you realise that the dream was actually a real TV show. Here are some of the oddest.
UNSURE if Adele’s new album 30 is for you? See if you’ve got the personal mettle to listen to all of these tracks without breaking down.
IT’S the 20th anniversary of the release of the first Harry Potter film this week. Here’s how to stop your kids making you go through all that tedious magical nonsense again.
THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.
A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.
AMAZON’S algorithm, like an elephant, never forgets. And to this day it’s making helpful suggestions based on a 2018 smoke alarm purchase.
TESCO Metro has unveiled a new slogan that reflects the half-arsed shopping habits of its customers.
THE Pandora Papers have revealed that you are the only person in the entire world paying their fair share of taxes and everyone is laughing at you.
ENERGY firms facing bankruptcy due to soaring bills have been patronisingly advised that a prepayment meter would control their spending.
A PAIR of colleagues who believe they are engaged in a secret affair could not be more wrong, workmates have confirmed.
OFFICE leaving cards are a cruel sea of lies and mistruths. Here’s what would be written if they weren’t sparing your feelings.
DO your workmates absolutely despise you? This is why.
THERE'S a new kid on the block at work and he’s driving you round the f**king pipe. Here’s what the obsequious little twat is up to.
WHAT a surprise. Public sector workers are getting another bumper payout in the budget. I say it’s time to call them what they are - lazy thieving scum, and punish them accordingly.
A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn that a customer loudly complaining about a minor thing will not be shopping in her store again.
WHICH boozy classics have you got rammed at the back of your cupboard? And what do they say about the kind of person you are?
AN UNTOUCHED glass of tap water has done nothing to take the edge off a man's raging hangover.
A GIRLS' night out has descended into arguments, sulks and tears in the toilet before the first drink has been finished.
A MAN discovered that, contrary to convention, Monday morning is actually a far better time to drink than Friday night.
A MAN who is too young to know what a bad hangover actually feels like thinks he is experiencing one.