Mash Blind Date: 'It's a lot harder using ChatGPT to charm her into bed in person'

SHYNESS, laziness and ChatGPT guided James Bates, aged 30, to a date with 33-year-old Jo Kramer. But will this modern-day Cyrano have the heart of a poet in person?

Live Aid at 40: didn’t really achieve a whole lot, did it?

THE 40th anniversary of Live Aid has been celebrated despite acknowledgement that the groundbreaking event did not bring about much change in the long run.

'Divorce wife': sticking points at the Prince Harry peace talks

PRINCE Harry and King Charles have agreed to hold a peace summit, but disagreements remain over minor points like his marriage. Can they find an understanding?

He genuinely thought Putin was a trustworthy guy
PRESIDENT Trump actually, seriously thought his Russian counterpart was a decent, honest person who would repay the trust placed in him, it has emerged.
How to sneak off and phone the police when your friends start doing drugs

AT A party with teenage friends? Spotted a mate with a joint? Your duty to society and your friend is to contact the police immediately. Here’s how to snitch responsibly.

Bruce Springsteen, and other artists who release far too much material

FANS of The Boss are still reeling after he dropped seven unreleased albums a fortnight ago. He and these artists need the locks changing on their f**king vaults.

Your astrological week ahead for July 12th, with Psychic Bob

Ladies, why not spice up your love life by claiming you’ve been fingered by a ghost?

iPhone convinced you want to commemorate Battle of the Boyne

YOUR iPhone has, for the 15th consecutive year, reminded you that all your other appointments come second to celebrating the Battle of the Boyne.

We ask you: what event are you pairing with this weekend's alcohol?

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?

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Politics

We ask you: what are your fondest memories of the late Norman Tebbit?

YET another member of the beloved Thatcher cabinet we grew up with has passed on. How will you remember Norman Tebbit?

Who's definitely in the Epstein Files, by a gobshite down the pub

YOU know why they’ve lost that Epstein client list, don’t you? Trump’s all over it. And Prince Andy, of course, and Musk. Mine’s a pint and I’ll tell all.

Just tell me how much you want, says Reeves

RACHEL Reeves has asked Britain exactly how much money each of them wants to stop it.

Best thing to do when a colleague cries is to be an oblivious, unfeeling automaton, says Starmer

KEIR Starmer has shared his technique for dealing with emotional women or co-workers by ignoring them entirely and pretending it did not happen.

Labour MP kind of feels like he was voted into office to look after vulnerable?

A LABOUR rebel has admitted that he voted against the welfare bill because he always felt the party had more of a 'caring for the disabled' vibe.

F**k you! We're off on a term-time holiday
ONE week to go until the end of summer term and go f**k yourself, schools! We’re off on a term-time holiday!

Society

Smell of cannabis makes me feel unsafe, says wuss

A TOTAL f**king wuss has confessed the odour of cannabis makes him feel terribly unsafe and as if police should arrest everyone within a 500ft radius who is not him.

Shit town has hop-on, hop-off tour bus

THE objectively awful town of Skegness runs a hop-on, hop-off open-top bus service so people can tour its grim sights at their leisure.

The six best legal loopholes for a speeding fine you've made up yourself that won't work

BEEN slapped with a speeding fine? Convinced this is one of those laws that doesn't really count? Wriggle out of paying it with these clever excuses that will convince nobody.

How to prove you have the train door button situation well under control

THE train is into the station. You’re closest to the door button. But you sense the other passengers’ doubt. Can he handle this? Will he crack up?

Dad ready to unleash summer of lawnsplaining hell

THE arrival of summer has primed a father to condescendingly share his exhaustive lawn care knowledge with his ignorant family.

Writing 'Gareth is a bender' in the toilets: the terrorist acts you committed as a child, according to Labour

VANDALISM is now terrorism, according to the government’s rulings on Palestine Action, and you’re guilty. These are the atrocities you committed aged 12.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… RIP Jimmy Swaggart, man of God but mostly prostitutes
WAKING with a hangover so toxic that when I vomit and my dog comes scampering into my room to eat it he drops dead on the spot, I reflect on the week’s events.

Lifestyle

Woman on Instagram really milking wedding photos from three years ago

A WOMAN is wringing every possible like out of her wedding photos by still posting them to Instagram three years after the fact.

'This was a mistake,' realises man who is at Glastonbury until Tuesday

JUST one hour into the Glastonbury festival, attendee Tom Booker has admitted it is ‘not for him’ with approximately 96 hours left to go.

First in at Glastonbury enjoying some pretty sweet bogs

THE first arrivals at Glastonbury are shitting with barely a tremor of revulsion, they have gleefully confirmed.

Lake District unveils new slogan 'The Lake District: never f**king worth it'

THE Lake District has unveiled a new advertising campaign reminding the public that travelling there is always to be regretted and never, ever pays off.

Friend who doesn't follow the news might be onto something

YOUR friend who you have previously mocked for their lack of interest in current affairs may have had the right idea the entire time, you have admitted.

Don't step on a faerie: A practical guide to the worst Summer Solstice hippy bollocks

IT’S the Summer Solstice tomorrow, and celebrations will include every type of mystical bollocks from the Mother Goddess to fae folk. Here’s how to take a more practical, grounded approach.

France vs Rwanda: Which will stop the boats?
TWO deals with foreign countries were made to stop boats of migrants coming to our shores. But which was best? We compare and contrast the two. 

Sport

Why going beyond the Wimbledon quarter-finals is gauche and un-British, by Tim Henman

BRITON Cameron Norrie has reached the quarter-finals of Wimbledon and, I trust, has the manners to go no further. For it is not our nation’s way.

How to survive Euro 2025 when you're bored with the Lionesses now: a guide for women

EURO 2025 kicks off today, but what if you're a woman who was briefly into football but now isn't really? Here's how to survive weeks of dutiful support.

Is Wimbledon the BBC's next hotbed of anti-Semitic chanting?

GLASTONBURY was a cesspit of anti-Semitism gleefully encouraged by the BBC, except everywhere that wasn’t the West Holts stage between 2.30pm and 3.30pm, Saturday. Is Wimbledon next?

Shit: football bouncing across park right towards you

AN URGENT report has confirmed that a football is bouncing across the park directly towards you and you are expected to return it.

How to get that middle-aged, two-pints-from-violence Oasis fan look: A guide for the young
SEEING Oasis live this weekend? Get the appropriate ‘pissed-up gobshite who’s mad for a fight’ look with this straightforward guide.

Science & Technology

'There was a crumb in the cupboard': Online reviews by arseholes with insanely high expectations

ARE you an idiot with unrealistic expectations who loves finding things to moan about? You’re probably responsible for one of these online reviews…

Every school play hinges on either UV light, strobe light or smoke machine

EVERY play performed by a school revolves around the single piece of stage technology that school possesses, it has emerged.

Funny ties, and other Father's Day gifts now made sadly obsolete

TOKEN gifts for fathers were so easy in times gone by, when a Simpsons tie did the job perfunctorily enough for no messy emotions to be bared on either side. These were adequate.

Musk asking Grok how to unf**k his life

ELON Musk has turned to his AI chatbot for advice on how to reverse his fortunes, it has emerged.

How to make a kitten on a pizza: Seven pointless things you learned from AI training

SEVEN-and-a-half million Britons will be trained in AI by 2030. Your workplace AI course leads you to question the value of this, because here’s what you learned.

Are you suffering from Wallace's Autism? A checklist of symptoms
GREGG Wallace has been protesting that he has autism, so it must be a rare type that makes you sexually harass people. If you’re concerned you might be affected, here is a checklist of symptoms.

Arts & Entertainment

Walking doesn't cure terminal illness: The Salt Path fact-checked

INSPIRATIONAL memoir The Salt Path has been exposed as the conspicuous bullshit it was all along. These are the questions every middle-class reading group didn’t ask.

Woman not reading fairy porn for the world-building

A WOMAN on her third volume of fantasy-themed pornography would like to inform its author she is not here for the rich fairy world-building.

She's a waterfall, and other metaphors for women employed by singers trying to get laid

WHAT is she? Definitely not a groupie, no, she’s some form of flattering abstract noun and you’re prepared to elaborate if she takes her top off. These comparisons led to sex...

Oasis reunion marred by fratricide

OASIS’S first reunion gig has been praised by fans as the greatest concert they have ever attended, spoiled only by a minor fratricide late on.

We ask you: are you ready to see Ozzy Osbourne bite the head off a live bat one last time?

FAMED oral decapitator of chiroptera Ozzy Osbourne performs for the final time in Birmingham today. What are you hoping he will do?

'Play one off your two good albums!': Helpful things to shout at tonight's Oasis gig

ATTENDING an Oasis reunion gig? So stupefied by the magnitude of the occasion that you don’t know what to shout? Try these.

Business

'Proposing to my girlfriend after a romantic dinner of Bombay Bad Boy': Readers share their treasured Poundland memories

POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.

Couple start business together because they're in love

A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.

A white home counties roadman 'as been chosen to be a bossman ball boy at da Wimbledon tennis ting
WAGWAN? Did fam see Active J on da TV? Man woz hinspirational. Parentdem is batshit for da tennis, innit. So dem fixed it for yours truly to be a ball muggle at da Wimbledon ting!

Work

Charm of child on Zoom call rapidly dissipating

THE novelty of a toddler interrupting a professional Zoom call is waning fast, all participants confirmed.

How to get someone to f**k off away from your desk and let you work

THE key office skillset is not implementing core competencies or working the printer. It’s persuading twats to piss off back to their twat desks with twat bobbleheads on.

'Yeah, it'll be chill' says teenager about to work three 16-hour shifts at festival

A TEENAGER bragging that he is basically being paid to check out some cool bands is about to enter his own personal hell.

'Cool' teacher actually fully grown adult seeking approval of 15-year-olds

A TEACHER recognised by his pupils as ‘cool’ is actually a 28-year-old man desperate to be popular with children, it has emerged.

Man suddenly realises he could wank again

A MAN has brightened after realising that, despite his having masturbated already today, a second go is a distinct possibility.

Holidays, breathing, feeling sad: Six things clever Gen Z have invented for us all
BEFORE Gen Z came along, life was devoid of pleasure, style and emotional nuance. Thank goodness they invented all these things completely by themselves.

Alcohol

BuzzBallz: Your guide to surviving the unprecedented threat of 13.5% alcohol

A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.

Man begins pre-drinks for Oasis gig

MINDFUL that there are only 55 hours to go before the first gig of the Oasis reunion, a man has started on pre-drinks this afternoon.

Banning alcohol adverts to instantly stop UK getting pissed

A BAN on alcohol adverts is guaranteed to make the British public immediately stop drinking permanently, it is believed.

Samuel Smith's pubs far f**king freakier than Wetherspoons, UK agrees

BRITISH drinkers have agreed both Samuel Smith and Wetherspoons pubs are freakshows with an alcohol license but the former has the edge.

'Oh God, does this mean I've got to go back on the game?' asks Geri
GERI Halliwell has looked at her household finances after her husband’s sacking, faced facts and defeatedly put in calls to the other Spice Girls.