WONDERING how school kids are meant to express their British pride when they can’t even tie their shoelaces? Here are five weird ways they’ll be made to celebrate this strange day.
DID you think a spray of Lynx Africa in a bedroom that pungently stank of weed helped? It didn’t. No doubt you tried these other tricks too:
WHILE society might encourage you to mark the passing of time with birthdays, here are the real signs that you’re knocking on in years.
A REPORT has suggested that the idea of ‘white privilege’ is holding white children back. This is probably bollocks, but why not get angry about it anyway? Here’s how.
WITH pubs reopening, are you tempted to pop down for quiz night? Here’s why you should stay the f**k away.
FOOTBALL will only be able to return to its country of origin if guaranteed a highly-skilled job worth £47,110 a year, the home secretary has confirmed.
THERE are times in any British person’s life which would not be survivable without the cool, soothing balm of tea. How many have you been through?
FOND memories of the golden age of MTV? Wrong. It was full of wild and terrible shite like this.
DUP leader Edwin Poots has quit after just 21 days, three times longer than it took God to create Earth. Can you drag the DUP into the 18th century?
TODAY’S Lib Dem by-election victory would be a seismic political event transforming the political landscape permanently if it had been UKIP, experts have agreed.
THE question of Scottish independence will be decided not by referendum but by the result of tonight’s England-Scotland result, it has emerged.
BRITAIN is struggling to come to terms with claims that the health secretary who has led us through this pandemic is totally f**king hopeless.
GOOD morning, I’m national engine of hatred the Daily Mail, and today I’ll be wearing the mask of Boris Johnson’s one-year-old son Wilf. Isn’t that disturbingly adorable?
BRITONS have been informed that mere labouring for long hours in precarious jobs for minimum wage does not entitle them to call themselves ‘working class’.
GOT children? Desperate to not be suffering alone? Then you’ve visited a parenting group on Facebook and met these people.
EVER think that irritating twats deliberately sit in your train carriage? Yeah, they do. Here’s the line-up of rail companions for your next 100 journeys.
PEOPLE across the UK have miserably begun their annual ritual of pretending to enjoy temperatures above 18 degrees Celsius.
EVERYONE’S got Thou Shalt Not Kill by now, and coveting thy neighbour’s ox isn’t what it was. Follow these ten new commandments for modern life.
A MIDDLE-CLASS family are fuming about the top-of-the-range pizza oven, complete with brick surround, that they are currently having built in their garden.
A WOMAN has scored a new personal best in her time between putting on heels for the day and deeply regretting it.
A WOMAN who is only 25 bizarrely thinks it is her prerogative as a female to keep her age a closely guarded secret.
HAVING a child is a life-changing experience. A mostly terrifying one. Here are five of the worst bits from year one, although there could be 50.
A HOT summer can be a testing time for goths. Follow our advice to ensure yours stays safe, but gloomy.
BIASED? Dour? Permanently irate? When Keane and Carragher hang up their mics, we’ll need those qualities. But which current players will be the pundits of the future?
THE cocksure, entitled nation of Wales is already arrogantly assuming it will at the very least reach the final of Euro 2020.
ACROSS England fans are leaving work early and settling down by the telly with a few cans to enjoy Scotland’s loss this afternoon.
NOT understanding the offside rule is for amateurs. Try these questions to get your football-loving companion truly enraged.
AN England fan tired of politics getting in the way of football has expressed his disagreement by making a racist political statement that gets in the way of football.
DO you like music? You won’t like football songs then. But with the Euros on the way here’s a few ranked from whale excrement to tolerable.
AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?
CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.
LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled...
SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.
EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox.
IN denial about your age? Make sure you’ve got painkillers to hand, because this list of quarter-century old songs will get your back playing up.
WANT to spoil any potential enjoyment of a movie before you watch it? Find out there’s a twist. Here’s five films with surprises you wouldn’t have seen coming, but now definitely will.
BATMAN’S publishers have confirmed that he refuses to perform oral sex on his partners. And according to comics nerd Tom Booker, that’s just the beginning.
ADAM and Eve only had sons, so where did their grandkids come from? Here are some other glaring Biblical plot holes.
IS YOUR superiority to others based on not consuming the same media as them? Nathan Muir flaunts his iconoclastic ignorance of perfectly enjoyable things he hasn’t seen.
DO you want to make money without having anything of actual merit to sell? Try flogging these toys to gullible kids.
A MAN is getting constant, eager updates from a delivery company advising him on the precise whereabouts of his parcel.
ARE you a British business keen to let LGBT+ customers and staff know that they’re special for one month only? Here are the best ways to be an ally.
WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has urged the government to set up some sort of ‘Union of Europe’ to solve his shortage of pub staff.
CLOTHING shops have reminded all their customers that they are now fat bastards so should buy their clothes accordingly.