IF your bin goes uncollected or your train is cancelled, Britain demands those responsible are shot as communists. If these non-key workers withdraw labour, nobody gives a shit.

BORIS Johnson is planning a third term in office, unaware that he’s f**ked. But a competent evil genius would be a better leader than any of the actual options.

MY high-profile job is at risk because I’ve surrounded myself with inept morons and pathetic toadies who are slowly turning against me. How can I lift my flagging spirits?

PRESIDENT Zelensky, who has just noted the UK by-election results on international news, knows exactly who this is calling on the phone.

THE UK has gone off course, run aground on the coast of France and is taking on water after a single day with Dominic Raab at the helm.

OUR once-functioning country is in a terrible mess, none of which is our fault. Instead, direct blame to these enemies of democracy.

A MAN’S once-functioning gaydar is so outdated it is no longer able to detect anyone who came out post-millennium.

ESTATE agents are dutybound to polish even the most awful of turds. Here’s how they’d present these nightmare scenarios.

YOUNG people were put on this Earth to make you feel old and irrelevant. Here are five recent things which, depressingly, will mean nothing to them.

EVER fancied driving a train? Let us, the government, give you the chance. Don’t worry, it’s like riding a bike, except it weighs 200 tonnes and can easily cause hundreds of deaths.

STRIKING for better pay and conditions is vital, but walking four miles to get to work is a huge pain in the arse. How is your brain arguing with itself about the strikes?

A-LEVELS have been overshadowed this year, but they’re still traumatising a new generation of students. Let’s relive that magical time of fear, insane levels of stress and wanting to cry.

AIRPORT chaos and the cost of living crisis means yet another staycation. Well-heeled couple the Muirs explain how to survive without a fortnight in Tuscany.

ONLY the most annoying people you know are in the position to buy a second home abroad, it has been confirmed.

THE summer’s here, clothes are skimpy, nobody’s around, you’ve initiated sex and wish you hadn’t. Here’s how to finish.

GETTING pissed and vomiting in the gutter not a bad enough way to end a night out? Try these grim situations instead.

POPPING to the shops for a few bits? Be careful. Adding these items to your basket could now ruin you financially.

DOING alright? Bought an enormous television? Keep feeling like everyone is judging you for it? They are. And for these things:

THE UK has realised it would be balls-deep in a World Cup summer right now if the tournament had not been awarded to f**king Qatar.

PITCH invaders at football games have discovered that the pitch is no more than a large grassed oblong with white lines painted on it.

A PRESTON North End supporter has stressed his enduring hatred of Blackpool FC has nothing to do with its pioneering out gay player.

A MAN has looked back at his life and concluded that all of the achievements he is proudest of came while playing simulations of managing football teams.

THINK you’re sporty because you once beat your dad at arm-wrestling? No sport you can do after eight pints really counts as a true athletic endeavour.

FOOTBALL fans love nothing more than running their support past the Guardian to check they’re meeting its ethical standards. Where does your club stand?

ARE you a Silicon Valley zealot reshaping the world in your inhuman image? Include all these in your 3.0 version build:

THE reliability of your home’s internet connection can be improved through good deeds and pure thoughts, senior UK church members said today.

A NEW dating app is cutting out the middleman by allowing male users to post a picture of their knob as their profile photo.

A MILLENNIAL woman relatively immature for her age has found herself elevated to the position of wise, venerable matriarch since joining TikTok.

WOMEN can’t get enough of guys that sit on videogames all day ignoring them. They get especially hot when they see an alpha male doing this stuff.

MANKIND can travel into space and cure cancer, so how come so many straightforward minor inventions are useless and annoying? Like these…

GLASTONBURY took place this weekend, you watched some of it on the telly, and you’ve decided the ___ set was so great it’s key to your identity. But which?

THE presence of morons returning from Glastonbury by train is worse than the rail strike itself, other passengers have confirmed.

EVERYBODY’S looking for their Glastonbury moment and everyone gets one. But not all of them are positive.

DID certain TV shows leave you confused and even quite anxious as a child? Here are some you lacked the life experience to realise were bollocks.

A WOMAN at Glastonbury is counting down the seconds until the festival ends and she can start banging on about it to everyone. 

BRITAIN’S men are worried that the renewed popularity of Kate Bush will lead to girlfriends becoming annoyingly otherworldly with an interest in billowy clothes.

HORSES are parading, M&S biscuits are rebranded, and Nicholas Witchell is clearing his throat. Jubilee hysteria is upon us. Here’s how to make it through.

SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.

IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these.

A DRUNK man, noticeably high on cocaine and bellowing about cryptocurrencies in a central London pub, is hoping people are taking his excellent financial advice. 

THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.

A BUSINESSMAN from a humble background who built a fortune from scratch wrongly believes his example proves that anyone can be rich.

A WOMAN is bitterly regretting her decision to wear a blazer to work on one of the muggiest days of the year.

WITH the biggest rail strike for 30 years underway, what should train drivers be paid? 58-year-old Roy Hobbs of Swindon, who knows f**k all, decides.

DOES your mum believe she knows of a career option that would make you rich? She has no idea that these five jobs are just as badly paid as yours.

IS your boss being a dick about giving you a payrise while moving you to a three-day week? Get around their spurious objections.

AIRLINE staff maintain a warm smile even for hen parties on gin who need a piss during take-off. These careers pay you for kindness to arseholes.

MOST office workers hate each other, but is your colleague actively trying to destroy you professionally? Find out with our quiz.

CONSUMING alcohol in large quantities can unleash talents you never knew you had. And may possibly want to forget. Skills such as these…

A MAN who drank five pints of lager in the full glare of the sun was bemused to find he still had a raging thirst, it has emerged.

THE pub is a fine British institution where people come together to stare silently into the bottom of a pint glass while getting shitfaced. But what does your choice of pint say about you?

IT is your patriotic duty to get royally pissed for Her Majesty this Jubilee weekend. But make sure you pace yourself properly with these tips.

TRAVELLERS arriving at airports are facing queues of up to eight hours to get served at airport pubs, they have complained.

EVER watched a Disney film, wishing you were down the pub, and wondered which would be the best to go on a 12-hour session with? These are the top seven.