We ask you: are the courts right to declare it legal to hunt the Duke of Sussex?

A RULING that Prince Harry is entitled to no security while visiting the UK means it is open season for hunters hoping to bag a Royal. Is this fair?

Her new laser eyes won't turn off: Which insane Princess Kate disappearance rumour do you believe?

ARE you a rational person, or do you now believe one of these wild Princess Kate rumours swirling around the internet?

Man joining in with 'Happy Birthday' unwisely attempts harmony

A MAN joining in with a chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’ has unwisely taken the risk of attempting to sing a harmony, it has emerged.

Six things that f**k over your chances of getting out of work on time
HOPING to finish work bang on time for once? No chance. One of these twists of fate is about to royally screw you over.
Butlin's, and Britain's other true no-go areas

RIGHT-WINGERS say parts of the UK have become ‘no-go areas’ due to immigration, but they’re wrong. Here are the British places you should never set foot in, simply because they are irretrievably dreadful.

Vapes to be taxed by how stupid they smell

VAPES are to be taxed according to how stupid their plume of candy-flavoured smoke smells, it has emerged.

Six places that magically become public toilets if you need a piss badly enough

STAGGERING home from the pub with five pints in your bladder and no public loo in sight? Try these handy alternatives.

Man reporting shoplifter thinks he'll get a prize

A MAN who went unnecessarily out of his way to grass up a shoplifter is expecting a big reward, he has confirmed.

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Politics

Kemi Badenoch, and other hyped politicians who instantly turned out to be shit

EVERY so often an MP comes along who the media decides is wonderful in every way and a future PM. Then, under the slightest scrutiny, they turn out to be rubbish. Here are just a few.

MPs under 30 'deeply weird'

ANYONE who enters politics when still in their 20s is strange, disturbed and should be stopped, voters have agreed.

Write a caption and win a Mash mug

CAPTION the above image of Joe Biden and Rishi Sunak, and the funniest wins a Daily Mash mug.

Man who just went on LinkedIn still feels dirty
A MAN who went on LinkedIn for five minutes is consumed with self-loathing after hitting ‘like’ on several posts of tedious self-promotional bullshit.

Society

All woman's anecdotes about how attractive she is

EVERY single one of a 28-year-old woman’s anecdotes centre on ardent men, jealous women or the sadness of only being appreciated for her stunning looks.

Avocados, takeaway lattes and other things young people must buy to save the economy

BRITAIN is in a recession, so it’s up to young people who frittered their money like idiots a couple of years ago to kickstart the economy by purchasing these vital items.

Britain enters recession it's been in for ages

BRITAIN has officially entered the recession that it has been in for at least two f**king years, figures have shown.

Valentine's Day makes fatal error of going right up against much better Pancake Day

DEVOURING circles of delicious fried batter will win over romantic declarations of love every time, it has been confirmed.

How to help in a life-threatening situation by filming it on your phone

FIRST aiders and have-a-go heroes often save lives in dangerous situations. But who is filming it for Twitter and TikTok? Here’s how to play an equally vital role with your smartphone.

Thanos. Ernst Blofeld. Emperor Palpatine. And Sadiq Khan, most evil of them all
YOU cannot imagine what it’s like, you provincials. Living here, in London, in the shadow of the most despotic, corrupt, malevolent regime ever known.

Lifestyle

Self-proclaimed 'fag hag' has one gay friend

A STRAIGHT woman who likes to call herself a ‘fag hag’ only actually has one gay male friend, it has emerged.

Fearless man risks wank while waiting in for parcel

A COURAGEOUS hero took the plunge and started tugging away while waiting in for his Amazon delivery, it has emerged.

A signet ring on his pinky finger, and other small but certain signs a man is a twat

MET a bloke for the first time and aren’t sure if he's going to turn out to be a dickhead? Look for these visual signifiers.

Fanny, growler, minge: What your choice of word for vaginas says about you

THE English language is second to none when it comes to words for minge. So what is your preferred term for vaginas, and what does it say about you? 

Playing shows at 1.5x speed: the weird ways boomers and Gen Z watch TV

YOUR elderly parents and the youth of today have little in common, except they choose to watch television like f**king maniacs. This is how they get it wrong.

Sport

Newborn in Liverpool shirt fake fan and glory hunter

A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.

We ask you: how will football's new blue cards unfairly punish your club?

FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?

We ask you: what now for Liverpool after Jurgen Klopp?

CHARISMATIC Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp is leaving the club at the end of the season. What now for the club and the city?

Six ways to imply that you just got laid on social media
SEX, like justice, must not only be done but be seen to be done. But when signalling to friends, family and work colleagues from 2008 that you’ve recently done it be subtle.

Science & Technology

Clock ticking on when shiny new laptop will be used to look at absolute filth

IT is only a matter of hours until a man’s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most degrading pornography imaginable, he has admitted.

TikTok teenagers to dance to AI songs in lovely sunny dystopia

TEENAGERS are to dance to robot music on a Chinese surveillance app in our lovely sunny dystopian future, it has emerged.

Post-nut clarity lasts for two minutes, scientists confirm

THE mental acuity which men experience after ejaculation lasts for precisely 120 seconds, scientists have confirmed.

Why banning under-16s from using phones and social media would be piss-easy, by the government

YOUNG people always listen to adults and never want things they are told they can’t have. Here Tory MP Miriam Cates explains how she would make them stick to a smartphone ban.

How to set up your account on our foolproof Postmaster Compensation Hub: A guide by Fujitsu

HAVE you been wrongly accused of theft due to clunky Fujitsu technology? Here’s how to claim compensation from our 100 per cent reliable Fujitsu online hub.

Man marries his hottest best friend
A MAN was delighted to marry the most physically attractive of all his close female friends.

Arts & Entertainment

Madonna's Hung Up, and other songs with samples that ruined the original

MADONNA begged ABBA for permission to sample Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! and now you can’t hear it without thinking of her shoddy version. But it's not the only tune ruined by being sampled.

Madame Web, and six other films you could improve in moments even though you're thick

SOMETIMES a film is so flawed you think of obvious improvements while looking in the fridge for a snack. Here are some that suggest you should be being paid millions in Hollywood.

Everything a snub to Barbie

EVERY award not won, every headline about anything else and every moment spent watching a film that is not Barbie is a calculated snub to Barbie, it has emerged.

We ask you: can Cat Deeley and Ben Shephard pull This Morning out of a death spiral of depravity?

ONCE Britain’s favourite mid-morning weekday ITV magazine show, This Morning is now better known for corruption, betrayal and queue-jumping. Can new hosts save it?

Audiences surprised to discover Dune: Part Two is a musical

AUDIENCES at last night’s Dune: Part Two premiere were astonished to learn the gritty sci-fi sequel is in fact a musical.

Spaceman by Babylon Zoo: Songs that taught you a valuable lesson in disappointment

LIFE is disappointing, and it’s good that musicians remind us of this with songs that rapidly descend into shit. Here are some classic let-downs.

How to tell if the man driving your black cab is former Conservative deputy chairman Lee Anderson
JUMPED into a black cab at Paddington? Concerned the ill-informed right-wing rhetoric from the driver seems familiar? Use our checklist.

Business

Rail replacement buses, and other pains in the arse it should be illegal to charge for

‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it.

'Dogs welcome' only refers to middle-class dogs, businesses clarify

BUSINESSES displaying ‘Dogs Welcome!’ signs have clarified that they only mean nice, well-behaved and well-groomed middle-class dogs whose owners spend money.

Pay up or the turds start coming out of the taps, say water companies

WATER companies have told customers they can either pay higher bills or start enjoying excrement coming out of their taps.

Michelle Mone's frozen assets – a guide

£75m of Baroness Mone’s assets have been frozen. These are just a few of them.

The Post Office, and other companies with bullshit slogans that need updating

EVERY big company in the UK has a wanky slogan, even the laughably useless privatised utilities and the downright evil Post Office. Here are some suggestions for updating them.

Chilled-out girlfriend actually wholly uninterested
A GIRLFRIEND praised for being a relaxed, easy-going partner actually does not give a f**k about her relationship, it has emerged.

Work

Six wankers who always pipe up when the meeting reaches Any Other Business

READY for this tedious, pointless meeting to end, so you can get the f**k out of there? Not so fast, these six arseholes will always have something to add.

What you do for a living versus what your mum tells people you do

YOU’VE got an important and interesting job which your mum can’t get her head round. Here’s what you actually do, compared to what she tells people you do.

The five monotonous stages of Monday morning office chat

ONCE again it is Monday, as if you were not already well aware, and you must run the torturous gamut of post-weekend office chat. It will go like this.

Woman wrongly believes office flirtation will survive moving six desks away

A WOMAN who has been engaged in a long-term flirtation with a colleague mistakenly believes it will continue despite her moving 24 feet away.

Office 'best wishes' card signed by five million people

POLICE are trying to trace the recipient of a card signed by an estimated 5,000,000 workers across the UK.

Conniving office bastards have already stolen the best holiday dates

THREE weeks into 2024 all the best holiday dates have already been booked up by the scheming bastards you work with, it has emerged.

Seven egomaniac celebs you know for a fact are always Googling themselves
EVER Googled your name? Okay, a couple of times, but not obsessively because you’re not a total self-regarding narcissist, unlike these celebrities.

Alcohol

Night out with mates disappointingly good in the end

A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.

Five reasons school night hangovers are worse than weekend hangovers

WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night.

Seven unpleasant truths you'll have to confront in Dry January

DRY January lasts just one month, but the things you learn while not drinking will stay with you forever. Prepare yourself for these grim truths about your existence.

Woman who drinks shitloads of wine surprisingly unknowledgeable about it

A WOMAN who has been drinking at least three bottles of wine a week for decades knows very little about it except that it comes in red, white and pink varieties.

Reasons to do Dry January, ranked from smug superiority to health benefits

DECIDED not to drink for a month? Here are the best reasons to do so, from being insufferably pleased with yourself right down to trivial benefits like living longer.

Woman completes first day of Dry January by being horribly, terminally hungover

A WOMAN has inadvertently got Dry January off to a flying start by being so ill she could not contemplate alcohol.

Your astrological week ahead for February 24th, with Psychic Bob
Suffering vaginal dryness? Have you tried checking for packets of silica gel?