A RULING that Prince Harry is entitled to no security while visiting the UK means it is open season for hunters hoping to bag a Royal. Is this fair?
ARE you a rational person, or do you now believe one of these wild Princess Kate rumours swirling around the internet?
A MAN joining in with a chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’ has unwisely taken the risk of attempting to sing a harmony, it has emerged.
STAGGERING home from the pub with five pints in your bladder and no public loo in sight? Try these handy alternatives.
EVERY so often an MP comes along who the media decides is wonderful in every way and a future PM. Then, under the slightest scrutiny, they turn out to be rubbish. Here are just a few.
ANYONE who enters politics when still in their 20s is strange, disturbed and should be stopped, voters have agreed.
CAPTION the above image of Joe Biden and Rishi Sunak, and the funniest wins a Daily Mash mug.
EVERY single one of a 28-year-old woman’s anecdotes centre on ardent men, jealous women or the sadness of only being appreciated for her stunning looks.
BRITAIN is in a recession, so it’s up to young people who frittered their money like idiots a couple of years ago to kickstart the economy by purchasing these vital items.
BRITAIN has officially entered the recession that it has been in for at least two f**king years, figures have shown.
DEVOURING circles of delicious fried batter will win over romantic declarations of love every time, it has been confirmed.
FIRST aiders and have-a-go heroes often save lives in dangerous situations. But who is filming it for Twitter and TikTok? Here’s how to play an equally vital role with your smartphone.
A STRAIGHT woman who likes to call herself a ‘fag hag’ only actually has one gay male friend, it has emerged.
A COURAGEOUS hero took the plunge and started tugging away while waiting in for his Amazon delivery, it has emerged.
MET a bloke for the first time and aren’t sure if he's going to turn out to be a dickhead? Look for these visual signifiers.
THE English language is second to none when it comes to words for minge. So what is your preferred term for vaginas, and what does it say about you?
YOUR elderly parents and the youth of today have little in common, except they choose to watch television like f**king maniacs. This is how they get it wrong.
A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.
FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?
IT is only a matter of hours until a man’s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most degrading pornography imaginable, he has admitted.
TEENAGERS are to dance to robot music on a Chinese surveillance app in our lovely sunny dystopian future, it has emerged.
THE mental acuity which men experience after ejaculation lasts for precisely 120 seconds, scientists have confirmed.
YOUNG people always listen to adults and never want things they are told they can’t have. Here Tory MP Miriam Cates explains how she would make them stick to a smartphone ban.
HAVE you been wrongly accused of theft due to clunky Fujitsu technology? Here’s how to claim compensation from our 100 per cent reliable Fujitsu online hub.
MADONNA begged ABBA for permission to sample Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! and now you can’t hear it without thinking of her shoddy version. But it's not the only tune ruined by being sampled.
SOMETIMES a film is so flawed you think of obvious improvements while looking in the fridge for a snack. Here are some that suggest you should be being paid millions in Hollywood.
EVERY award not won, every headline about anything else and every moment spent watching a film that is not Barbie is a calculated snub to Barbie, it has emerged.
ONCE Britain’s favourite mid-morning weekday ITV magazine show, This Morning is now better known for corruption, betrayal and queue-jumping. Can new hosts save it?
AUDIENCES at last night’s Dune: Part Two premiere were astonished to learn the gritty sci-fi sequel is in fact a musical.
LIFE is disappointing, and it’s good that musicians remind us of this with songs that rapidly descend into shit. Here are some classic let-downs.
‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it.
BUSINESSES displaying ‘Dogs Welcome!’ signs have clarified that they only mean nice, well-behaved and well-groomed middle-class dogs whose owners spend money.
WATER companies have told customers they can either pay higher bills or start enjoying excrement coming out of their taps.
£75m of Baroness Mone’s assets have been frozen. These are just a few of them.
EVERY big company in the UK has a wanky slogan, even the laughably useless privatised utilities and the downright evil Post Office. Here are some suggestions for updating them.
READY for this tedious, pointless meeting to end, so you can get the f**k out of there? Not so fast, these six arseholes will always have something to add.
YOU’VE got an important and interesting job which your mum can’t get her head round. Here’s what you actually do, compared to what she tells people you do.
ONCE again it is Monday, as if you were not already well aware, and you must run the torturous gamut of post-weekend office chat. It will go like this.
A WOMAN who has been engaged in a long-term flirtation with a colleague mistakenly believes it will continue despite her moving 24 feet away.
POLICE are trying to trace the recipient of a card signed by an estimated 5,000,000 workers across the UK.
THREE weeks into 2024 all the best holiday dates have already been booked up by the scheming bastards you work with, it has emerged.
A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.
WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night.
DRY January lasts just one month, but the things you learn while not drinking will stay with you forever. Prepare yourself for these grim truths about your existence.
A WOMAN who has been drinking at least three bottles of wine a week for decades knows very little about it except that it comes in red, white and pink varieties.
DECIDED not to drink for a month? Here are the best reasons to do so, from being insufferably pleased with yourself right down to trivial benefits like living longer.