Dear Donna, I'm better at my job than anyone's been in 60 years. Should I resign?

I’VE got a high-profile job, which I admittedly lucked into, that I’ve done pretty well for eight years. I’m not the best in the world or even in Europe but I am second-best in Europe and my bosses like me.

Man's sudden enthusiasm for cunnilingus nothing to do with losing erection

A MAN has confirmed his sudden, mid-lovemaking enthusiasm for cunnilingus is in no way related to the impotence he is currently experiencing.

You choose, says girlfriend who's already decided

A MAN offered the opportunity to decide what TV show to watch is unaware the outcome has already been decided.

Shame, our winner's montage was an absolute banger, says BBC
THE BBC has revealed that it prepared an amazing montage in preparation for England’s incredible last-minute win in the final that never happened.
Woke Secret Service, woke assassin, woke gun and woke bullets, say Republicans

REPUBLICAN sources have examined the assassination attempt on Trump and ascribed every individual element of it to wokeness.

Football not coming home because it's dead, child told

AN eight-year-old has woken up excited only to be informed that football will not be coming home because it is dead.

Everyone injured, announces Southgate

GARETH Southgate has announced, hours before the European Championship final, that the entire England squad is injured as is he.

Your astrological week ahead for July 12th, with Psychic Bob

Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get thrown out of London Zoo. But sometimes just a couple will get the job done.

Oh shit, this National Trust volunteer is in period costume

A FAMILY at a National Trust property have entered a room only to find their exit barred by an individual in period costume with a mission to educate.

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Politics

I will be taking eight fag breaks a day, says Starmer

AS well as clocking off at 6pm on Fridays, Keir Starmer has announced he will take hourly fag breaks in the garden of Downing Street.

Jonathan Gullis returning to earlier career as a monkey

NOW he is no longer the MP for Stoke-on-Trent North, former teacher and monkey Jonathan Gullis has confirmed he will return to his zoological career.

Big beasts replaced by big twat

THE big beasts of the Conservative party have been driven out and replaced with a big twat with four whole seats, it has emerged.

'But I don't really work as a concept outside the Commons,' says Rees-Mogg

JACOB Rees-Mogg has confessed that, without a seat in Parliament, he is just some kind of Edwardian cosplay dickhead.

'Toolmaking time's over, bitches'

THE new prime minister has announced the end of toolmaking time and the beginning of a new era of liberal elitism.

We ask you: what patriotic costume will you don to roar our boys to victory?
ENGLAND play in the final tomorrow, and if they lose it will be your fault for not dressing up. What are you planning to wear?

Society

National Trust revamps historic dogging site

THE UK’s oldest dogging site has been re-opened by the National Trust after a £2 million refurbishment.

British family brutally catfished by pebble beach

A FAMILY on a UK break were devastated to discover their destination had deceived them by offering only pebble beaches.

The seven things you're donating to the school summer fayre so they can be sold back to you

A RUTHLESS commercial enterprise masquerading as fun for children, the school summer fayre is screaming for your goods. What will you toss into its jaws?

35-year-old woman tells mum about parking fine in hope she'll pay it

AN ADULT woman has told her mother how upset about an unfair parking fine she is in the hope her parent will step in and pay it.

Students learn nothing from school trip except Josh's mum well fit

PUPILS on a school trip have come back with no new knowledge except that a classmate’s mum is a certified MILF.

Barratt Homes admit they've no idea where the houses come from, who is building them or why

BARRATT Homes have confessed they have no idea who designs, builds or orders their identical housing estates or why they keep appearing everywhere.

Lifestyle

Centrist dads suffering life-threatening erections

SENSIBLE centrist fathers are being rushed to A&E with cases of 11-hour election-induced priapism, it has emerged.

Most popular dog names are now hippy bullshit

DOGS that do not know any better are being called Luna, Milo and Bella instead of good honest dog names like Rover, Rex and Tyson.

Bellends in your local park now it's sunny, ranked from worst to best

HOT weather is great until you go to the park and realise midges aren’t the only bastards the sun has brought out. But which annoyance makes you most want to destroy the place so no one can ever use it again?

Chef, footballer, barista: six careers where tattoos are now compulsory

IS your lack of ink hurting your career? Are you being turned down before interview because you haven’t got at least a sleeve? These careers are tattoo-only.

Hard nut only using SPF30

A PROPER hard case is braving the sun with only a small smear of low-strength protective cream.

Smug child-free couple on term-time break beset by thousands of screaming toddlers

A CHILD-FREE couple planning an adult, sophisticated term-time break had forgotten their plane and resort would be deluged with screaming under-fives.

England have mountain to climb in poor piece of scheduling
THE England team are to spend tomorrow completing an ascent up Germany’s tallest mountain in an ill-timed motivational exercise.

Sport

Fans worried England might be quite good

FANS of England have admitted real concern that the team they are supporting may actually be decent.

We ask you: will our new prime minister's rousing rhetoric inspire England to a 4-0 victory?

OUR new prime minister charged the whole nation with adrenaline from the steps of Downing Street yesterday. Will England do him proud with a massive win?

Why Ronaldo is an arrogant bastard but Jude Bellingham has magnificent self-belief, by an England fan

RONALDO? Full of himself. Thinks about nothing but his own legend. Jude Bellingham, mouthing ‘who else?’ to camera while grabbing his balls? Just self-assured.

Another six days before we know if Southgate is a national hero or useless twat

THERE is slightly less than a week to go until England can be certain whether Gareth Southgate is a national treasure or disgrace.

England capture national mood by doing bare f**king minimum

THE England team have shown they are a reflection of their country by doing piss all apart from for two minutes on the deadline.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... having no f**king desire to Meet the Rees-Moggs
WAKING up with a hangover so stinking it can be smelt in neighbouring boroughs, I recall the events that led me to my current pass. 

Science & Technology

Did AI just spill your pint?

EVERYONE was enjoying a nice evening down the local until artificial intelligence rocked up trying to be their best mate.

'If you faxed it wrong you didn't get paid': horror stories of the 1990s office

GEN Z colleagues not taking their job seriously? Sit down and terrify them with tales of a primitive time when the working conditions were as antiquated as the haircuts.

Gmail alarmed, horrified and increasingly panicked that you’ve logged into your account

THE internet’s most delicate email provider is on the verge of complete nervous collapse after a man logged into his account in a fractionally different way than usual.

How we stupidly thought the internet would be nice in the 90s

WHEN the ‘worldwide web’ began to arrive in British homes in the 90s, it was going to bring people together and make us really clever from all that knowledge. Here’s what we stupidly believed.

Woman believes social media best place to cry and discuss personal problems

A WOMAN is convinced social media is a suitable forum for her to cry and discuss her most intimate personal problems.

Call from unknown number can go f**k itself

AN INCOMING phone call from a number you do not recognise can do one, it has been confirmed.

Couple's date night is staying in, getting pissed and shagging
A COUPLE have created their own version of date night where they do not go out in favour of drinking alcohol then having sex.

Arts & Entertainment

Chappell Roan, Sabrina Carpenter, Gracie Abrams: the new crop of pop stars you've never heard of

YOU thought you were doing well, namedropping Taylor Swift and Lana Del Rey, but Gen Z laughed at you. These are the new names to pretend to be familiar with.

Gentrification comes to field of shit

A FIELD containing vast quantities of human faeces and dodgy fast food vans is being gentrified beyond the means of most Britons this weekend.

Coldplay beg fans to end toxic co-dependent relationship

COLDPLAY frontman Chris Martin has pleaded with fans to stop buying their music so they can stop making it.

Starmer: I will put a flare up my arse for final
THE prime minister has promised to celebrate England reaching the Euros final by putting a lit flare in his anus.

Business

The eleven chancers who list on Facebook Marketplace

SEEN an absolute bargain on Facebook Marketplace? Ready for the physical, emotional and financial toll that will be inflicted faster than you can say ‘Is this still available?’

What is capital gains tax and have you ever met anyone who has paid it?

LABOUR will not promise that capital gains tax will rise, but have you, or has anyone you know, ever paid it? This FAQ explains what it is and why the answer is no:

Dead office workers costing Britain millions, say Tories

THE soaring number of office workers selfishly dying at their desks is costing Britain £2.6bn a year, a new report has found.

Successful young person can f**k right off

A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.

Work

Homeworkers to work from windswept beaches in pissing rain

A THIRD of the UK’s homeworkers plan to do their jobs from a rain-lashed beach during severe gales in Britain this summer.

Everyone at work hiding good mood from boss

EVERY employee in Britain is whistling and smiling until their thunder-faced bosses stalk past, it has emerged.

Man struggling to find right work-skive balance

A MAN working a standard nine-to-five office job is finding it almost impossible to find the right ratio of working to doing f**k all.

Builder doing excellent job of being a stereotypical working-class arsehole

A BUILDER working on a couple’s loft conversion has surpassed their expectations of him being an uncultured, bigoted wanker with zero professionalism.

Office arseholes into football again

OBNOXIOUS knobheads in your office have announced a programme of mandatory football enjoyment to accompany Euro 2024.

'Back in your day…' and other comments you can sue Gen Z bastards for now

A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.

Salted bloody cod and twats into golf: The gammon food critic's Algarve all-inclusive
I HAD to escape this pissbag of an English summer. Endless bloody rain and I can't even blame it on immigration, like I do every other problem with Britain.

Alcohol

Will you be staying up, albeit blackout drunk, for Sunak?

ELECTION night looms and every politics junkie is planning an all-nighter of intoxicants punctuated with celebration as Tories lose their seats. This is your timeline...

Nervous man strokes emotional support beer

A MAN is keeping his anxiety in check by seeking reassurance from his emotional support beer, it has emerged.

Pint a delicious, refreshing depressant

ON hot days a pint of beer is a delicious and refreshing way to bring your mood right down, experts have confirmed.

Fact-checkers flummoxed by mate's anecdote about epic night out

THE nation’s fact checkers are still attempting to verify thousands of claims related to an apparently legendary night out your mate has told you about.

Wetherspoons offering all-inclusive breaks

HIGH street pub juggernaut Wetherspoons is offering customers all-inclusive breaks at its hostelries at a wide variety of UK locations.

Have you got time for a quick pint? A quiz

YOUR body, as usual, is craving a quick pint. But do you have time to squeeze one in? Take our quiz.

Not having crippling debts for decades: The new signifiers of being working-class
THERE’S no shortage of working-class cliches, from owning a whippet to working as a horny gamekeeper. But times change, and these are the signifiers of being working-class now.