Your astrological week ahead for November 2nd, with Psychic Bob

Have loud sex at 3am on the cold, wet paving slabs where your wheelie bins are. That'll show those fox bastards.

Twats convinced everyone will love their f**king massive garden fireworks show

A DICKISH couple are certain people from miles around will gratefully gaze at the huge free fireworks display they are putting on.

We ask you: Would the UK be better off if Guy Fawkes had succeeded in blowing up parliament?

BRITONS will be gleefully watching effigies of Guy Fawkes burn this weekend. But would the UK be a better place if his plot had succeeded?

Connoisseurs of super-strength lager disappointed by Budget
APPRECIATORS of super-strength lager's complex flavours feel they have been ignored in Rachel Reeves’ budget. 
The Archbishop of Canterbury on... how's your plumbing business in f**king fantasy land going, Charlie?

WAKING up with a hangover the size of a former Soviet satellite state which turns out to be twice the size of Western Europe, I reflect on yesterday’s successful fight with a nun.

Loving text from dad obviously a scam

A WARM, loving message from a father is clearly a scam designed to trick his son out of money.

Mate refuses to buy round unless it's in Wetherspoons

A MAN is not tight or anything, he just thinks it is daft to spend a fiver on a pint.

Seven twats who wanked on about being cancelled but are strangely still around

REMEMBER when every dodgy bastard in the UK was screeching about being cancelled? Considering they’ve been ruthlessly silenced by the forces of woke, these individuals are still strangely vocal.

Hideous, ghastly apparitions, and that's just the women: The gammon food critic's Halloween street party

HALLOWEEN? Load of bollocks if you ask me. Another American import we neither want nor need, like Starbucks, Black Friday and taking the knee. Not sure if the last two are related.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Politics

Starmer accepts gift of extra daylight hour

THE prime minister is once again facing criticism by accepting the gift of an extra hour of daylight to spend however he pleases.

We ask you: if the super-rich never pay taxes, why are they so desperate to keep them low?

THE super-rich can avoid any tax they like, as they frequently tell us. But then why are they fighting so hard to keep taxes low?

I never expected Tory MPs to be horrible, outdated bigots. By Kemi Badenoch

SO fellow Tory MP Christopher Chope thinks I can’t be party leader because I have children? Frankly I am shocked to hear outdated, bigoted attitudes from a member of the Conservative Party.

Do you honestly think I wanted to go to Taylor Swift, asks Starmer

THE prime minister has asked the public if they really believe that he, a 62-year-old man who has spent his life in the legal profession, is a keen Swiftie.

'I'm a virgin who lives with his parents so I'm better off': Winners and losers in yesterday's Budget
DEPENDING on how badly your life is going, yesterday’s Budget will affect you differently. Here are the winners and losers of Rachel Reeves’ decision to tax and spend.

Society

Middle-class couple give newborn daughter name of withered Edwardian schoolmistress

A PAIR of moneyed new parents have given their beautiful, hours-old daughter a name best suited to a sour schoolmarm who lived a hundred years ago.  

We ask you: can landlords honestly be said to work as people?

Labour have been criticised for saying landlords cannot be viewed to be working as human beings. What do you think?

British happiness now based mainly on suffering of others

BRITONS can now only achieve happiness while seeing others, preferably also Britons, having a total and utter nightmare.

Fred West and other famous cases I have my doubts about, by David Davis MP

HELLO, Double Dave here. Despite Brexit cementing my reputation for being thick as mince, I’m 90 per cent sure Lucy Letby is innocent. I could also help these obvious miscarriages of justice.

A working-class guide to British national treasures

STEPHEN Fry? F**k off. These are the real national treasures of Britain, according to builder Wayne Hayes and the lads down the Portakabin.

Pointless bed showroom won't let you f**k on the mattresses
AN uptight bed showroom is stupidly not letting customers find out how good the mattresses are for shagging on.

Lifestyle

Pickup from an Amazon locker: Seven times men pretend they they're in a heist movie

LIFE is dull. Inject the seedy glamour of organised crime into your day by turning mundane activities into Hollywood fantasies.

Are you overthinking enough? A quiz

ARE needless thoughts racing through your head 24/7 or could your anxious brain be doing more? Find out with this quiz.

Invest in a good, solid vape that will give you years of use, Starmer tells kids

THE prime minister has told teenagers to be sensible and invest in a reliable, refillable vape that will serve their nicotine dependency for years to come.

Kids a bit like dogs, admits honest parent

A FATHER-OF-TWO who is unafraid to tell the truth has said that having children is a lot like having a dog.

Teen discovers underground, alternative music via massive mainstream movie franchise

A TEENAGE boy has been turned on to seriously obscure alternative music after hearing it for the first time in a series of popular commercial films.

Dickhead who is always late acting like it's somehow beyond their control

AN idiot who is habitually late acts as if it is completely out of her control even when she has been lying in bed watching TikTok until two minutes before she needs to leave.

The Halloween costumes you can't make slutty
HALLOWEEN is a time for ghosts, ghouls and women who want an excuse to wear revealing costumes. If you’re going to regret dressing as a slutty witch here are some outfits which are hard to sexualise.

Sport

'Germans and English the same anyway' says Tuchel

THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.

Tuchel accepts his career as a successful football manager is over

THOMAS Tuchel has nobly accepted his career as a football manager who won trophies is in the past and begun a long, sad slide into irrelevance.

We ask you: why are England managers too afraid to field an all-striker eleven?

ENGLAND played five strikers on Thursday and lost. Logic dictates they should therefore increase the number of strikers to 11 for Sunday’s game, but will they?

We ask you: should we just give a random man called Lee the England job?

NOBODY seems to want the England job and fans believe anyone could do it better than Gareth Southgate, so should we let this lad Lee Carsley do it?

Is Poppy Day disrespect starting too early nowadays? By Roy Hobbs
DON’T get me wrong, I love having some Poppy Day disrespect to moan about. But it’s getting earlier every year, and it doesn’t feel right calling someone a traitor in October.

Science & Technology

Congratulate LinkedIn on its new role interfering in US elections!

THE business-focused social media network LinkedIn has just begun an exciting new role rigging presidential elections in the United States. Click here to add your congratulations!

Spunk prices up

THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.

'Did you mean something completely different that’s more profitable for me to find?' asks Google

GOOGLE is wondering if you meant a different search term which requires less effort and more showing of sponsored posts, it has confirmed.

The toilet, and five other places smartphones can never be banned

BANNING mobile phones in schools makes sense because why should they have fun? But in these sacred spaces devices should always be allowed.

Arts & Entertainment

Let's all pretend we want new Kate Bush music

MUSIC fans around the world are joining in the fun pretence that they would love to hear a new album by Kate Bush.

Robert Jenrick, and other famous people who should never write a children's book

KEIRA Knightley has written a children’s book, based on no literary merit other than being in Pride & Prejudice. Here are some more famous people who really shouldn’t bother either.

AI trained on Radiohead can only do two good albums

AN artificial intelligence trained on Radiohead’s music can produced precisely two good albums before dissolving into an electronic morass, researchers have found.

Ronnie Wood, and other musicians hoping you're thick enough to buy their paintings

YOU bought their records, and now they want you to buy appalling artwork which proves their talent is solely musical. None of these would be hung on merit.

Six Hollywood productions about ugly misfits that cast exclusively hot actors

THERE is ugliness in Hollywood, but only on the inside. Which is why the casting directors of these had to cast tanned and toned actors with glowing veneers.

Five obvious ways to avoid spoilers: A guide for easily startled morons

WANT to avoid crucial plot details but don’t have an ounce of common sense? Dodge spoilers with this painfully obvious guide.

Little girls everywhere inspired by cutting draught duty by 1.7 per cent
YOUNG girls up and down the country have been inspired by first female chancellor Rachel Reeves slashing the price of a pint by 1p.

Business

How you've ended up subsidising water companies to pass profits to their twat shareholders: a user's guide

WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened.

Unless we get everything we want we'll all leave tomorrow, warn businessmen, investors, landlords and other Tories

A GROUP of natural Tories have warned Labour to run the country in their best interests or every one of them will have left the country by Friday.

How to fall for a banking scam: your quick and easy guide

ARE you concerned that when the inevitable call from banking scammers arrives, you will be too savvy to fall for it and end up keeping all your money? Follow these steps.

Gentrified area upset specialist cheese shop they never use is closing down

RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.

Paint over the smoke alarms: the landlord's guide to interior design

TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything.

We ask you: Do you have no f**king clue if you're better off after the budget?
RACHEL Reeves has delivered a tax-raising budget with notable concessions. But are you still confused as to whether you’ll have more cash for alcohol and trainers and whatnot?

Work

Colleague massively overestimating emotional impact of her leaving

A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her.

Boss asking 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' hoping to hear 'doing more work for less money'

A BOSS is hoping that his employee’s five year plan aligns with his own vision of an increased workload for decreased compensation.

'Bring Your 14-Year-Old Daughter and her Bitchy Mates to Work Day' a disaster

A BUSINESS is rethinking its morale-boosting strategy of asking staff to bring children to work after a group of teenage girls tore them to shreds.

What if being present in the office is all you have to offer? A shite employee asks

EXPERTS are disparaging the need to be physically in the office you work in as mere ‘presenteeism’. But what if that’s the only bit you’re good at?

Reeves to soften the blow by peppering the Budget with gags
RACHEL Reeves will take the edge off the Budget by delivering it with edgy quips in the style of an American awards show host.

Alcohol

Craft beer 'not being made by authentic wankers'

MORE than 60 per cent of craft beer is brewed by big bastard corporations rather than independent bearded wankers, research has found.

Pub closing, but colleague knows cool bar 45 minutes walk away on narrowboat behind abandoned warehouse

A GROUP of work colleagues have been assured by a co-worker that they can continue their drinking at a great bar situated a mere 45 minute walk away.

Middle-class dinner parties indulge in craze for premium strength lager

A NEW range of boutique 12 per cent lagers are the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals at upscale dinner parties.

What you're terrified you did while drinking last night vs what you actually did

MORNING! Oh God, what did you do? How did unwinding with three bottles of wine lead to this? What is your pickled brain claiming happened and did it?

Non-drinker mortified at all the mundane things he said last night

A MAN who absolutely underdid it on the pints has woken up mortified at the not even slightly embarrassing things he said the night before.

New Asian colleague on works curry night expected to be a sodding expert
AN Asian man out for a curry with his new office colleagues has been quizzed about Indian food as if he somehow has an innate knowledge of it.