How to hide your delight when a couple breaks up

KNOW someone who’s been abandoned to singledom like you? Hide your obvious glee with these tips.

How to make normal food mental, by a dreadful foodie

WE all need food to survive, but I like to make cooking and eating as needlessly complicated as possible. Here are my tips, writes foodie Helen Archer.

Middle class woman's porridge full of nonsense

A WOMAN eats a bowl of porridge each morning that is made up of 11 per cent oats and 89 per cent a load of other crap, it has emerged.

How to waste your life browsing crap in charity shops

WANT to squander your one and only life while browsing other people’s unwanted tat? Here’s how to go about it in a charity shop.

Five things you've learned about your date's ex before the main course arrives
DINNER, drinks and too much information about your date's ex is the worst way to start a new relationship. Here’s what you’ll learn before you’ve finished your calamari.
Lightweight pissed after 10 pints

A MAN who is pissed after drinking 10 pints in quick succession has been branded an 'embarrassing lightweight' by his friends.

Christmas markets now just one pissed-off British bloke selling cans of lager

FOLLOWING Brexit and Covid, traditional Christmas markets are now a grumpy bastard from Walsall selling cans of Carling out of a shed. 

Face it, it's f**king Christmas

SOURCES have confirmed that it may technically still be November but you might as well face the facts: it is f**king Christmas and there is no point pretending otherwise.

Musical 'legends' you'll get hate mail for rightfully calling out as shite

MUSIC history is littered with performers hailed as groundbreaking legends. Here are some you'll get abuse for if you so much as hint they’re not musical geniuses.

Priti Patel's lifetime of being disinvited to things

BEING disinvited by France is the latest in a long line of snubs for Priti Patel. Here is everything the Home Secretary has been turned away from during her life so far.

Pythagoras' Theorem, and other pointless things from school still taking up space in your head

DESPITE having left school many, many years ago, there are still some absolutely useless pieces of learning clogging up your brain...

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Politics

Daddy Pig turns up to work pissed

POPULAR cartoon character Daddy Pig has arrived at work to give an important speech rambling and obviously drunk.

Nice broadcasting corporation you got there, shame if something were to happen to it. By Nadine Dorries

HEY, BBC. I like the broadcasting corporation you got there. David Attenborough. Nice. Real national treasure. Strictly Come Dancing. Light entertainment a country can really sink its teeth into. Like I say, nice.

Johnson restricts MPs' second jobs to Telegraph columnist, writing Shakespeare book or Mayor of London

THE prime minister has announced that the only jobs MPs will be allowed from now on are Telegraph columnist, writing books about Shakespeare or Mayor of London.

All transport links with Leeds to be severed

ALL rail, road and footpath links to Leeds are to be severed permanently from the end of 2021, the government has announced.

'Will Boris Johnson survive this?' ask naive dickheads

NAIVE dickheads are speculating whether Boris Johnson, who won an 80-seat majority on lies and illegal shit, can survive a few corrupt mates.

Tory sleaze scandal not sexy enough, says public

THE Tory sleaze scandal does not have as much knee-trembling action as its name suggests, according to a disappointed public.

Nick Fletcher's crime wave terror level female Doctor Who scale
AS Conservative MP for Don Valley, I’m an expert in crime, terrorism, and declining masculinity caused by Doctor Who. Here’s how they correspond:

Society

The Tory guide to knocking off your parents to keep their house

NEW social care laws mean your elderly parents will have to sell their home to pay for their care, unless they live in the South-East. Care minister Gillian Keegan explains how to hang onto your inheritance.

Why a pile of stinking manure is the perfect Christmas gift – AD FEATURE

LOOKING for a Christmas gift for that person who has it all? Pile of stinking manure salesman Martin Bishop explains why it’s this year’s hottest gift.

Does your barista fancy you? No, but take our quiz anyway

YOUR barista is not making a pass at you, sorry. But kid yourself they are by taking this quiz.

The man's manly guide to celebrating International Men's Day like a real man

THE day that men talk about on International Women’s Day is finally here. Here’s how to celebrate it like a man.

How to explain to your kids what school was like before mobile phones

YOUR kids won’t believe you when you claim not to have had a phone at school. Here’s how to explain the strange and alien educational world you once inhabited.

Social media and other things we were f**king lucky didn't exist in the 80s

SOCIAL media has been blamed for strange behavioural tics in teenagers. Here’s why you were fortunate to avoid today’s social advances while growing up in the 80s.

Six guilty secrets your family probably don't need to know about
WE'VE all done things in our lives we're not particularly proud of. Here are some it’s best even your nearest and dearest never know about.

Lifestyle

Clothes you wear around the house that you wouldn't be seen dead in outside it

FASHION doesn’t exist indoors. Instead comfort reigns, which means you answer the door to the postman wearing these outfits.

Woman believes she can get ready in 15 minutes despite lifetime of evidence to contrary

A WOMAN is convinced she can be ready to leave the house in 15 minutes despite never once doing so in her entire adult life.

The driver's essential guide to abusive hand gestures

SIGNALLING to other motorists is an integral aspect of driving, and some intentions can only be expressed through hand gestures. Here’s a guide to the important ones.

Dog whose owner prefers dogs to people also prefers dogs to people

A DOG whose owner prefers canine to human company has confirmed that he absolutely does not prefer humans to dogs.

How to bugger it all up when you're actually on time

ARE you actually set to arrive on time for once in your life? Here’s how to f**k yourself over just before you cross the finish line.

How to fail to post a birthday card in just 23 easy steps

IT’S your friend’s birthday, and the least you can do is post them a card. Here’s how that one simple action will take over your life for a fortnight.

Why I'm A Celebrity was my destiny and my triumph, by Richard Madeley
LIKE Luke Skywalker, we must all follow our destiny, whatever the risks, whatever the personal cost. My path was not the Force but ITV’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

Sport

Taliban to take over Middlesbrough FC

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

British sporting success making us look like dicks, Remainers admit

REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.

They both play sport: Reasons why Gavin Williamson confused Marcus Rashford with Maro Itoje

THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:

Five reasons why Ronaldo's a crap transfer, by supporters of other teams

RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.

How to bore non-football fans shitless now the season is back

WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don't give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics.

Six football teams exclusively supported by twats

SOME football shirts indicate that you’re a twat from a mile off. If you’re a fan of one of these clubs know that you’re judged by everyone.

​​Answering by saying his number: Weird things your dad does on the phone
YOUR dad uses phones in very strange ways. Here are some of the weirder ones to try and not get stressed about.

Science & Technology

Five innocent texts that sound aggro as f**k to the recipient

NEED to relay basic information without sounding bitchy? Good luck - even these innocent texts sound passive aggressive.

Ways the Metaverse will be worse than real life

WILL Facebook’s exciting new online world be a digital oasis? Or a bit of a disappointment that’s increasingly a chore? Let’s look at the evidence.

How to decode your mum's emojis

MUM is messaging and the emojis are flowing but her choices are utterly baffling. Here’s what she’s really trying to say:

Five sounds to add to electric cars to make them less f**king creepy

THE silent smugness of an approaching electric car can scare you shitless. What sounds could be added as a warning?

'Hand-wash only' cardigan should f**king get over itself

A CARDIGAN that claims on its care label to be 'hand-wash only' has been told to get a f**king grip.

Top seven awe-inspiring meteor showers you'll blissfully sleep through

INCREDIBLE cosmic events are ideal for proclaiming ‘Let’s stay up’ before nodding off by 10pm. These spectacular meteor showers will be missed for these valid reasons.

The seven modern wonders of the back of your fridge
THE back of your fridge contains a host of breathtaking sights and smells. Take a virtual tour of its wonders with our guide.

Arts & Entertainment

Party Rock Anthem, and other shit songs that soundtracked the 2010s

REMEMBER the 2010s as a time of musical experimentation and lyrical brilliance? You shouldn’t. These ear-defiling tracks will forever define the decade.

Young people buying cassettes are twats

YOUNG people buying limited edition cassette tapes by their favourite artists are twats, everyone has agreed.

Best film one you didn't know was on, have seen before and start halfway through when pissed

THE best film ever is officially one you have seen before, did not know was on and turn on halfway through at a good bit when drunk.

Stars In Their Eyes, and other TV shows that might have been a bad dream

IT can be disorientating trying to recall a dream, but it's worse when you realise that the dream was actually a real TV show. Here are some of the oddest.

Are you hard enough to listen to a whole Adele album?

UNSURE if Adele’s new album 30 is for you? See if you’ve got the personal mettle to listen to all of these tracks without breaking down.

How to stop your kids getting into Harry f**king Potter

IT’S the 20th anniversary of the release of the first Harry Potter film this week. Here’s how to stop your kids making you go through all that tedious magical nonsense again.

Now is not the time for Priti Patel
THE public has united in the face of the Channel tragedy by agreeing that now is not the time for Priti Patel to be saying anything at all. 

Business

Most important man in the world puts out-of-office response on for afternoon off

THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.

Shopworker devastated to hear complaining customer taking business elsewhere

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.

Six items Amazon is suggesting you buy because you bought a smoke alarm three years ago

AMAZON’S algorithm, like an elephant, never forgets. And to this day it’s making helpful suggestions based on a 2018 smoke alarm purchase.

Tesco Metro changes slogan to 'because you can't be f***ed doing a big shop'

TESCO Metro has unveiled a new slogan that reflects the half-arsed shopping habits of its customers.

Pandora Papers reveal you're the only dickhead paying tax

THE Pandora Papers have revealed that you are the only person in the entire world paying their fair share of taxes and everyone is laughing at you.

Energy companies facing huge unexpected bills offered prepayment meters

ENERGY firms facing bankruptcy due to soaring bills have been patronisingly advised that a prepayment meter would control their spending.

Six amateur psychological diagnoses idiots always come out with
MORONS love to try and sound like professional psychiatrists by bandying about psychological terms they don’t understand. Here are some of the more annoying ones.

Work

Work colleagues having extremely f**king obvious affair

A PAIR of colleagues who believe they are engaged in a secret affair could not be more wrong, workmates have confirmed.

'Who are you?' and other truthful messages for office leaving cards

OFFICE leaving cards are a cruel sea of lies and mistruths. Here’s what would be written if they weren’t sparing your feelings.

Enthusiastic on Mondays, and other signs you're the worst colleague

DO your workmates absolutely despise you? This is why.

How is the new office trainee getting on your tits?

THERE'S a new kid on the block at work and he’s driving you round the f**king pipe. Here’s what the obsequious little twat is up to.

Lock up these thieving public sector workers, by a brainwashed tabloid reader

WHAT a surprise. Public sector workers are getting another bumper payout in the budget. I say it’s time to call them what they are - lazy thieving scum, and punish them accordingly.

Shopworker devastated to hear complaining customer taking business elsewhere

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn that a customer loudly complaining about a minor thing will not be shopping in her store again.

How to wriggle out of criticism by calling it misogyny, by Nadine Dorries
I CAN get away with loads of stupid shit by calling any man who legitimately criticises me a misogynist. Here’s how I go about it:

Alcohol

What your booze collection says about you

WHICH boozy classics have you got rammed at the back of your cupboard? And what do they say about the kind of person you are?

Pint of water sitting next to bed all night did nothing to stop hangover

AN UNTOUCHED glass of tap water has done nothing to take the edge off a man's raging hangover.

Girls' night out in tearful crisis before end of first drink

A GIRLS' night out has descended into arguments, sulks and tears in the toilet before the first drink has been finished.

First thing Monday morning actually best time to drink, man discovers

A MAN discovered that, contrary to convention, Monday morning is actually a far better time to drink than Friday night.

20-year-old thinks he's hungover

A MAN who is too young to know what a bad hangover actually feels like thinks he is experiencing one.

No adverts and free beer a 'f**king great deal', experts confirm

DAILY Mash readers who hate adverts and love getting shitfaced while someone else buys the beers have been offered an incredible deal.

Where should babies be allowed? Two unreasonable idiots debate
MP Stella Creasy has sparked a debate about taking your baby to work. Here self-righteous mum Donna Sheridan and child-hater Roy Hobbs exchange unhelpful views.