Six infuriating film endings that can just f**k off

HAVE you wasted precious time and money watching films that were not great, only to be insulted by an idiotic cliched ending? Here are some that need to stop.

Five reasons Liverpool should get over The Beatles

LIVERPOOL is to get £2 million to set up yet another Beatles attraction. Here’s why the city should move on from this obscure, rarely-discussed band.

What to expect when you hang out with a more attractive friend

ARE you off out with a friend who’s drop-dead gorgeous in a way you will never be? Here’s what to expect when you find yourself playing the ugly mate.

How to be a knobhead on both sides of the woke debate

BEING for or against woke is all the rage at the moment. Instead of being reasonable, why not head straight for the demented extremes of the debate?

How to panic and f**k it up when someone asks for directions
BEING asked for directions used to be a common occurrence before smartphones intervened. Here are six deranged ways to react if it happens now:
'Actress' and other words you're not sure you can say any more

SOME words will cause horror if you say them, others you’re not so sure about. Here are some that are either totally fine or will get you ostracised forever.

Five things men always exaggerate

MEN are known for exaggerating the size of ‘the one that got away’, but that’s just the tip of their iceberg of lies. Watch out for these...

Six things today's young people should suffer because you did

DO you feel young people should experience some of the shite you did in the 70s and 80s? Obviously yes. You’re not bitter, it’s just in the interests of fairness.

13 everyday things that make you irrationally angry

FORGET Covid and Brexit - it’s the little things that make us totally lose our shit on a daily basis. Like these:  

Lock up these thieving public sector workers, by a brainwashed tabloid reader

WHAT a surprise. Public sector workers are getting another bumper payout in the budget. I say it’s time to call them what they are - lazy thieving scum, and punish them accordingly.

Rylan and other celebrities too weird to be real

CELEBRITIES are better than you. Some of them are also really f**king weird. Here are five that are surely an elaborate act.

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Politics

If it's bad it's your problem, explains government

THE government has explained that anything good which happens in Britain is all Boris Johnson but anything bad is your fault and your problem. 

Mark Francois's guide to respecting people

ANGRY balloon-faced Tory MP Mark Francois has called for more respect in public life, despite not having a spotless record himself. Here’s what he’s demanding.

What’s wrong with Boris? A baffled Tory tries to work out why his hero has gone green

CARBON net zero? What happened to the good old days of zero belief in global warming? Who’s got to Boris?

'Thou shalt not be a snowflake' – The Ten Gammondments, as revealed unto a bloke called Roy

MY BROTHERS and their birds. God, by way of the Prophet Farage, has revealed unto me, Roy Hobbs, the rules by which we must live our lives.

'Asians all look the same,' says Tory MP indistinguishable from 300 colleagues

ONE of the hundreds of white suit-wearing male Conservative MPs in his 50s has admitted that to him all Asians look the same.

UK achieves herd immunity of tolerating bullshit

THE public has been exposed to so much bullshit over the last year that nobody is surprised or depressed by it anymore.

Have you just moved in with an annoying bastard?
YOU’VE moved into a new place with someone. Are you getting along, or are they irritating the living shit out of you? Take our test.

Society

Britain’s oldest dogging site receives blue plaque

A CAR PARK just outside Hull has received a blue plaque from English Heritage for being the country’s oldest dogging site.

Tolkien character or bullshit middle class baby name? Take our quiz

TOLKIEN characters and middle class babies are both detached from reality and have stupid names. Can you tell your hobbits from your hoi polloi?

Goth visibly uncomfortable in weekend retail job uniform

A GOTH is clearly not enjoying having to wear a lurid uniform as part of their weekend retail job.

Man shifts from gentle liberal to angry selfish bastard within seconds of getting in the car

A MILD-MANNERED and socially conscious man descends into a bundle of intolerant raving fury the moment he gets in his car.

'No shortages at my Tesco': The moron's guide to cherry-picking evidence

SUPPLY chain problems continue, but there’s no shortage of morons determined to prove they’re right about it. Here’s how to carefully pick your evidence...

Would you be happier in the Blitz? Take our quiz

THINK things were better in the old days? Feel nostalgic for a time you didn’t live through? Find out if you would have been happier living through the Blitz.

Partner always in front of every f**king kitchen drawer man needs to get into
A WOMAN is always standing directly in front of whatever kitchen drawer her partner needs to open.

Lifestyle

Not going to university, and other things people are weirdly proud of

NEVER achieved much? Imagine you’re special and boost your self-esteem by taking a weird amount of pride in these non-achievements.

Should you get three weeks paid leave to bond with a new pet? F**k no

YOU’VE got a new puppy. Should your employer give you three weeks paid leave to enjoy learning to live and grow together? F**k they should.

13 incredibly f**king inconvenient times your children urgently need you

KIDS been quiet for five minutes? Cause a massive childcare emergency by attempting to do one of these simple things.

Single man has single pan

A SINGLE man who lives by himself owns and does all his cooking with one single pan, it has emerged.

The seven things you used to have that are worth absolutely shitloads now

THAT thing you used to have? Selling for a grand on eBay now. If only you'd kept it, along with all this shit.

Woman unleashes Armageddon by leaving school mums' WhatsApp group

A WOMAN has unleashed Armageddon by removing herself from a WhatsApp group for school mums.

Retired mum yet to find hobby as fulfilling as pestering her children
DESPITE having time to pursue a range of interests, a retired mum has decided the thing she really enjoys is badgering her busy grown-up children.

Sport

Taliban to take over Middlesbrough FC

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

British sporting success making us look like dicks, Remainers admit

REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.

They both play sport: Reasons why Gavin Williamson confused Marcus Rashford with Maro Itoje

THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:

Five reasons why Ronaldo's a crap transfer, by supporters of other teams

RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.

How to bore non-football fans shitless now the season is back

WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don't give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics.

Six football teams exclusively supported by twats

SOME football shirts indicate that you’re a twat from a mile off. If you’re a fan of one of these clubs know that you’re judged by everyone.

15 things being asked on Quora that prove humanity is doomed
DO you sometimes browse Q&A sites like Quora and wikiHow? And then wonder if humanity has gone mad? Here’s a sample of the most troubling questions.

Science & Technology

Five sounds to add to electric cars to make them less f**king creepy

THE silent smugness of an approaching electric car can scare you shitless. What sounds could be added as a warning?

'Hand-wash only' cardigan should f**king get over itself

A CARDIGAN that claims on its care label to be 'hand-wash only' has been told to get a f**king grip.

Top seven awe-inspiring meteor showers you'll blissfully sleep through

INCREDIBLE cosmic events are ideal for proclaiming ‘Let’s stay up’ before nodding off by 10pm. These spectacular meteor showers will be missed for these valid reasons.

Father prints out and posts meme

A FATHER has printed out a meme and distributed it by post because he thinks that is how they work.

World crippled by six-hour bullshit outage

THE world’s population has been left struggling to function after a six-hour blockage of the pipes that spew bullshit into their faces 24-7.

Organising all their shit, and other things kids can do on Minecraft but apparently not in real life

YOUR child’s room is a shit tip, but their Minecraft inventory is meticulously organised into elements, ores and enchanted bullshit.

Has Insulate Britain brought out your inner fascist?
MEMBERS of the public are suggesting extreme measures against Insulate Britain. Here’s what Britain’s closet fascists would like to do.

Arts & Entertainment

Knight Rider and other childhood shows whose universes didn’t make a lot of sense

EVEN as a small child you had an inkling that certain beloved TV shows were a bit illogical. With hindsight, here’s why.

Sweet Caroline, and other shit songs inexplicably loved by British people

HAVE you ever been to a wedding where the dance floor wasn’t full the second ‘Come on Eileen’ came on? Here are some other ear-destroyers Brits adore.

Five songs that state the bleeding obvious

THERE are profoundly moving pop masterpieces and there’s All Saints’ Never Ever saying ‘the alphabet runs right from A to Z’.

The Hoosiers and other bands that prove the Noughties were a musical wasteland

FROM 2000 to 2010 the UK was completely void of good musical talent. How else do you explain these chart-topping bands?

All women to get divorced after listening to Adele single

EVERY married women in the UK has filed for divorce after hearing new Adele song Easy On Me.

Robert Webb: 'I simply could not cope with the shagging'

ROBERT Webb has admitted he quit Strictly because his heart could not handle the non-stop 24-7 athletic extra-marital sex. 

Laughing teenagers, and other sounds that haunt your nightmares
DO you wake up in a cold sweat, imagining you heard one of the many awful sounds of waking life? These will ruin your beauty sleep.

Business

Shopworker devastated to hear complaining customer taking business elsewhere

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.

Six items Amazon is suggesting you buy because you bought a smoke alarm three years ago

AMAZON’S algorithm, like an elephant, never forgets. And to this day it’s making helpful suggestions based on a 2018 smoke alarm purchase.

Tesco Metro changes slogan to 'because you can't be f***ed doing a big shop'

TESCO Metro has unveiled a new slogan that reflects the half-arsed shopping habits of its customers.

Pandora Papers reveal you're the only dickhead paying tax

THE Pandora Papers have revealed that you are the only person in the entire world paying their fair share of taxes and everyone is laughing at you.

Energy companies facing huge unexpected bills offered prepayment meters

ENERGY firms facing bankruptcy due to soaring bills have been patronisingly advised that a prepayment meter would control their spending.

Five things trains would have to do to win you back

NOBODY'S using trains because they're expensive as f**k and always late. Here's what they'd have to do to be more appealing.

How to decode your mum's emojis
MUM is messaging and the emojis are flowing but her choices are utterly baffling. Here’s what she’s really trying to say:

Work

Shopworker devastated to hear complaining customer taking business elsewhere

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn that a customer loudly complaining about a minor thing will not be shopping in her store again.

Garden office f**king freezing

A GARDEN office installed this summer as a perfect homeworking solution is f**king freezing, it has emerged.

The shit-awful jobs you won't do no matter what they pay

EVEN in post-Brexit Britain’s upside-down economy, marketing executives on £30k would rather stay in the office than do this dispiriting shit.

Office try-hard treating Friday like a work day

AN overeager office worker is treating Friday as if it is a normal working day and toiling away accordingly.

Going for a run, and four other ways office pricks spend their lunch break

LOOKING to make everyone else in your office resent you for making them feel like a lazy bastard? Try these lunchtime activities. 

You are your endorsements: a LinkedIn user's guide to life

LOVE the thrill of a mutual connection? Entrepreneur and leadership yogi Bill McKay explains how to live through LinkedIn.

Five places to swim that will be safer than Britain's waters
FANCY a dip? Avoid Britain’s sewage-infested waters and fatal poisoning by swimming in these places instead.

Alcohol

First thing Monday morning actually best time to drink, man discovers

A MAN discovered that, contrary to convention, Monday morning is actually a far better time to drink than Friday night.

20-year-old thinks he's hungover

A MAN who is too young to know what a bad hangover actually feels like thinks he is experiencing one.

No adverts and free beer a 'f**king great deal', experts confirm

DAILY Mash readers who hate adverts and love getting shitfaced while someone else buys the beers have been offered an incredible deal.

Evil bastard loves telling you how drunk you were last night

A COMPLETE bastard enjoys nothing more than explaining what a wasted dick you were the night before.

What happens to your weekends if you ditch alcohol for a month

QUITTING alcohol for a month will bring huge health benefits, but what about the damage it will do to your weekends? Count the cost here.

Morning 'quiet time', and four other ways of telling if your teacher was hungover 

THERE were times in primary school when your teacher was clearly suffering the after-effects of a rough night - you were just too young to notice these tell-tale tricks.

Joining a cult, and other last ditch solutions if you can't find love
YET to find your soulmate? Worried you might be single forever? Never fear, here are five easy solutions to your problem.