How to train properly for the London marathon
YOU'VE broken in your trainers, you’ve learnt the meaning of iliotibial band, now as the London Marathon approaches, here are the only training tips that could possibly matter.
Families gather to sing jolly songs about brutal execution
FAMILIES have joined together to sing jolly little songs about the time a man was brutally nailed to a cross.
Woman gets fancy Easter egg instead of the bucket of Flakes she wanted
A WOMAN has been let down by her boyfriend’s gift of a small, expensive dark chocolate Easter egg instead of a big cheap one that absolutely does the business.
How to feel young again when you’ve accidentally enjoyed a trip to the garden centre
HAVE you returned from the garden centre with seven packets of seeds and a warm sense of contentment? Here’s how to nip those weird middle-aged feelings in the bud.
Man only becomes emotionally intelligent when listening to Springsteen
A MAN can only become emotionally intelligent while listening to Bruce Springsteen songs, his partner has discovered.
Family’s Easter marred by accidental purchase of xenomorph eggs
A FAMILY’S Easter has been ruined after mistakenly buying the eggs of a fast-growing alien predator.
Jesus’s guide to having a better Easter than him
MY first Easter wasn’t a barrel of laughs, but nowadays there are lots of things you can do without nailing anyone to a cross. Here’s my guide to a torture-free Easter.
A five-step guide to pissing your time up the wall when working from home
DOES your boss stupidly allow you to spend days at home ‘working’? Here’s how to make the most of what is essentially a massive skive.
Sourdough bread just normal bread that’s been told about mindfulness
POSH sourdough bread is the same as normal bread but the baker has told it about aspirational lifestyle shit like mindfulness, it has been revealed.
Londoner stunned to find all other Londoners also leaving London for weekend
A WOMAN who decided to get out of of the capital for Easter was stunned to find that every single other London resident had the same idea.
How to be the sort of twat with your own ‘personal brand’
DO you want a ‘personal brand’ like the Kardashians or various twats on YouTube? Here’s how to engage in endless tedious self-promotion instead of doing something worthwhile.
Dentist making you feel like a lying bastard again
A DENTIST regularly makes patients feel as if they are lying, untrustworthy scumbags when they go in for a check-up.
Teenager better than his town and everyone who lives there
A 17-YEAR-OLD is absolutely convinced of his inherent natural superiority to the town he grew up in and all its residents.
DIY dads to f**k up Britain
THE UK’s DIY dads have got their toolboxes out of the garage and are going to spend the next four days attempting to fix the problems facing Britain.
What sort of ‘wanker in sunglasses’ vibe are you giving off?
WITH so many designs of sunglasses there's a multitude of ways to look like a prick. Here’s a handy guide to the vibe you’re giving off.
The crap teacher’s guide to surviving teaching
TALENTED, hardworking teachers are struggling to cope with long hours and excessive workloads. But what about Britain’s many thousands of crap teachers?
Should you correct that person’s f**king awful grammar?
WHEN a person makes a grammatical mistake it’s tempting to correct them, to help them learn and make yourself feel clever. But should you? Read our guide.
Only thing keeping man going is not working for Deliveroo
A MAN whose life is shit regularly cheers himself up with the pathetic tactic of remembering that he does not work for Deliveroo.
Today is equivalent of Friday, please work accordingly, say bosses
BUSINESSES have warned employees that due to tomorrow’s bank holiday today is the equivalent of Friday and they should work accordingly.
Women more likely to reach orgasm after buying Tupperware
A NEW study has revealed that women are more likely to reach a sexual climax after buying shitloads of plastic tubs.
