Everyone on stag do wants to go to bed
EVERY single man on a stag night is claiming to be ready to keep partying into the early hours while secretly desperate to go to bed.
We’d still vote Brexit, say people who pay little or no attention to the news
LEAVE voters who read newspapers from the back forward and watch the news twice a year have confirmed they would still vote for Brexit.
How to blame other people for f**king up at work
ARE you always getting things wrong at work but don’t fancy being unemployed? Read our guide to shifting the blame.
Could you be the next useless Brexit secretary?
HAVE you got what it takes to be the next ambitious twat to pick up the poison chalice of Brexit? Take our quiz and find out.
Smug couple hobbies that will make people hate you even more
DO your friends already hate you because of how sickeningly loved-up you are? Taking up one of these awful couples' hobbies will really ratchet up the nausea.
40-something asks GP to test for whether he’s still relevant
A MIDDLE-AGED man has reluctantly decided he should ask his doctor to check whether he is still trendy.
Builder who buggered up kitchen determined to ‘see it through’
A BUILDER who has caused £8,000 of damage to the kitchen he is supposedly improving has promised he will see the job through.
Dad determined to burn things that could just go in the rubbish
A DAD inexplicably keeps having unnecessary bonfires of items that could simply be put in one of the wheelie bins.
I f**king love it, says Rees-Mogg
JACOB Rees-Mogg has called a press conference to say he has read the draft Brexit agreement and, against all expectations, absolutely loves it.
The mum’s guide to pretending your child is not a total little bastard
AS the parent of a toddler, do you feel your little angel can do no wrong? Here are some great ways of convincing people your child is not the embodiment of evil.
Shit finally completes 29-month journey towards fan
THE bucketful of shit first upended in June 2016 has finally completed its slow 29-month journey through the air and is now hitting the fan.
Man still thinks he’s slim
A MAN who has put on a fair bit of weight over the years still sees himself as a slim, attractive 20-something, it has emerged.
Nice couple sound like murderers when discussing their inheritance
A PLEASANT couple suddenly become very cold and calculating when talking about their elderly parents’ deaths, friends have revealed.
Dominic Raab to petrol bomb your house then petrol bomb the fire brigade
DOMINIC Raab has unveiled plans to throw petrol bombs at your house and then petrol bomb the fire engine as soon as it arrives.
How to be a nutter at your child’s football match
ARE you a super-competitive mum or dad who will not tolerate failure by your six-year-old’s football team? Here’s how to intervene in an unhinged way.
Northern Ireland re-named ‘West Belgium’ in Brexit deal
THE finalised Brexit deal imposes full EU rules on Northern Ireland, changes its official language to Flemish, bans religion and renames it West Belgium.
Having children in late thirties linked to enjoying more of your thirties
WOMEN who delay motherhood until their late thirties face an increased risk of having more years of freedom and fun, according to researchers.
What does your choice of disgusting herbal tea say about you?
Do you drink green tea because it’s good for you, even though it tastes like the boiled piss of the devil?
High roller has £102.40 in Nectar Points
A MAN feels he is doing pretty damn well in life due to his substantial wealth in Nectar points.
Sadomasochistic train company asks ‘how did we do?’
A HELLISH, self-loathing train company has emailed its passengers asking to be told just how shit they are.
