Five things that should no way be that bloody expensive

INFLATION is skyrocketing, which is bad news for those household items that are guttingly expensive. Which are you digging deep for?

Scientists find straight men's standards 'even lower than we feared'

THE standards of heterosexual men when choosing a partner are much lower than previously feared, scientists have confirmed.

Couple wondering if friend with allergies is worth the hassle

A COUPLE cannot tell if the pleasure of a friend's company outweighs the hassle of accommodating his allergies.

'I'm a free spirit' and other ways unreliable twats try to get away with always being late

UNRELIABLE flakes are masters of dodging the blame for their terrible timekeeping. Don't let them get away with these excuses.

Man who says he never knows when to tip always defaults to 'not tip'
A MAN who never knows when it is appropriate to tip always decides it would be less embarrassing not to, friends have noticed.
Mid-30s woman with no partner or kids unsure whether she's a total failure or f**king smashing it

A SINGLE woman in her mid-30s with no kids cannot tell if she is winning at life or a complete and utter loser.

Father and son tossing ball to each other are most basic bitches in park

A FATHER and son tossing a ball back and forth are the most basic bitches in the park, onlookers have agreed.

Dolls that piss, and other inexplicably popular childhood toys

KIDS are weird, and the crap they play with is equally f**ked up. Take these five unhinged toys.

Leaded petrol, ditching seatbelts and the old money: the next six post-Brexit bonuses

THE return of imperial measurements is just the start of our glorious post-Brexit bonuses. Here’s what else we can look forward to.

Foreign holidays cleared for total f**kers

TOTAL f**king bastards who sat and watched everyone else try to enjoy themselves on British holidays have been cleared to go abroad.

Wally, lemon, plank: 15 truly underrated insults

INSULTING people is too complicated these days, what with irritating epithets such as 'cockwomble'. Here are some old classics:

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Politics

Tax-rise supporting Tories against benefit cuts and what the f**k

CONSERVATIVE backbenchers who backed tax rises for social care are against cutting Universal Credit by £20 and what the f**k?

The Tory voter's guide to being betrayed yet again

THE government has once again reneged on the manifesto that swept it into power, like it always does. Practised Tory voter Wayne Hayes explains how to handle it.

Margaret Thatcher rising from her grave

MARGARET Thatcher is rising from her grave in horror at Boris Johnson’s social care tax rises, senior Conservatives believe.

I pocketed the £350 million a week, Johnson admits

BORIS Johnson has admitted that all of the £350m a week he promised to the NHS when we left the EU has gone straight into his pocket.

Tories in revolt over idea of helping Britain

THE Conservative party is in mutiny at the prospect of action being taken against one of the chronic, long-term problems the country faces.

Fan can't wait for political season to kick off

AN excited fan of British politics cannot wait for the season to officially kick off next week.

Weed dealers allowed to sell in ounces again
BRITAIN’S hard-working cannabis dealers are to be allowed to sell in eighths and quarter-pounds again as a Brexit benefit.

Society

Gen Z teen amazed elderly woman in her 30s still attractive

A GEN Z 17-year-old is blown away that a woman in her late 30s is not utterly decrepit.

Queen 'just so f**king woke'

THE Queen is the wokest, most politically correct person in the entire British Isles, it has emerged.

'Does exactly what it says on the tin' and other ad slogans tedious pricks repeat

SOME advertising slogans were amusing the first time you heard them. But the humour soon wore off after years of bellends grimly parroting them. Groan once more at these:

Was Winston Churchill the 20th century's greatest racist?

IN an odd move, the Winston Churchill Memorial Trust has dropped his first name because of his unacceptable views on race. But was he the greatest racist of his era? We investigate:  

The fable of The Ant and the Grasshopper - updated for 2021

AS debate rages about who should pay for vital services, what better time to revisit Aesop’s classic fable about insect workers and freeloaders?

Boomers declare victory

BOOMERS have declared a final, crushing victory over Generation X, millennials, and the Zoomers who will be forced to pay for their social care.

Every once good thing now ruined by fans of that thing
EVERY positive addition to the cultural canon has now been irreparably destroyed by its own fans, a new study has found.

Lifestyle

Adorable kitten already showing signs of the vicious bastard cat it will become

A CUDDLY, playful kitten is already displaying the character traits of the savage, vengeful bastard it will be as an adult, his new owner has reported.

Do humans have souls, and other conversations you only have when you're massively stoned

TALKING about the meaning of life? You must be stoned. Here are the other meandering chats you have when you're high as balls.

Five bare minimum beauty standards men have to live up to

SOCIETY expects women to look a certain way, but blokes have beauty standards to live up to as well, such as these bare minimum requirements:

How to boringly celebrate your pathetic adult birthday

FOR KIDS, birthdays are an exciting occasion of cakes and presents. But once you’re an adult they’re nothing more than a new high number to celebrate in these dull ways.

Garden now full of useless summer shit

WITH the weather starting to turn as autumn arrives, all British gardens are now clogged up with pointless summer shit.

Drinks without coasters on wooden tables, and five other things mums wake up screaming about

MOTHERS hold families together, but even they have secret terrors that stalk their very nightmares. These things scare them shitless.

Five friends your child will bring home from school, and how you'll loathe them
HAS your child just started a new school? Here are five types of friends they’ll inevitably bring home that you’ll have to tolerate.

Sport

British sporting success making us look like dicks, Remainers admit

REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.

They both play sport: Reasons why Gavin Williamson confused Marcus Rashford with Maro Itoje

THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:

Five reasons why Ronaldo's a crap transfer, by supporters of other teams

RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.

How to bore non-football fans shitless now the season is back

WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don't give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics.

Six football teams exclusively supported by twats

SOME football shirts indicate that you’re a twat from a mile off. If you’re a fan of one of these clubs know that you’re judged by everyone.

Britain’s Olympic heroes prove we're best at everything, says country unable to supply own food

THE UK has proudly proclaimed that its Olympic heroes mean it is a major world power, while ignoring empty supermarket shelves.

When you're being dumped: the five worst times to run into your ex
HAVING a bad day? It’ll get even worse if you run into your ex. For maximum damage, cross paths with them on these occasions:

Science & Technology

Self-driving Audis programmed to be aggressive tailgating dickheads

AUDI'S driverless cars will be specially programmed to treat other road users just as badly as current Audi drivers.

The five bastard tradespeople who can charge what they like

AT some point we all need an expensive expert to help us. Here are five people who can shaft you, and there's nothing you can do.

You've passed your test, but can you actually drive? Take our quiz

YOU'VE officially passed your driving test and you’re allowed to be in a car on your own. But can you actually drive? Time to find out.

What to do when you've just wasted an hour of your life in social media comments

HAVE you just spaffed an hour of your life up the wall reading bigoted comments from illiterate strangers online? Here’s how to cope.

The real reasons Jeff Bezos is going into space

AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?

'Why’s the sky blue?' and other arsehole questions from kids

CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.

Smoke breaks, and four other ways to piss away time during your working day
LOOKING to waste as much time as possible during your 9-5? Try these tips:

Arts & Entertainment

'I'll be back' and other movie lines everyone does shit impressions of

DISCUSSING films? Brace yourself for shit impressions of these memorable lines.

Man happy to spend rest of life only liking Oasis

A 41-YEAR-OLD man has cheerfully resigned himself to an entire life of only enjoying the music of Oasis.

'Play Dancing Queen again': five requests DJs f**king love

DJs are so grateful when inexperienced strangers tell them how to do their job. Become their favourite person with these suggestions.

'Skip intro' button brutally snubbed at National Television Awards

THE Netflix button that allows viewers to skip short intros was once again cruelly overlooked at last night's National Television Awards.

'Has it got subtitles?' How to talk your way out of watching any movie

REGRETTING agreeing to sit down and watch a film tonight? Here's how to make sure you don't get past the first five minutes.

The literary classics you've only read because they made you at school

YOUR first encounter with great literature is always to be treasured, unless you were forced to read it by a twat teacher for an English Lit GCSE you failed.

Wasps such pricks due to low self-esteem
WASPS are nasty little bastards because they suffer from low self-esteem and confidence, experts have confirmed.

Business

Five things trains would have to do to win you back

NOBODY'S using trains because they're expensive as f**k and always late. Here's what they'd have to do to be more appealing.

When I find out who's done this to my pubs I'll f**king kill them, says Tim Martin

WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has confirmed that when he finds out who f**ked up his business by taking his beer and chefs away, they are dead.

Turn it into a paintball arena, and other ideas for abandoned high streets

IS your once-bustling high street now a parade of empty shops and broken dreams? Here are five ideas to bring life back to your city centre.

Pandemic and global recession beaten hands-down by triumphant British house prices

A WORLDWIDE pandemic paired with a global recession is no match for heroic rising British property prices, it has emerged.

Olive Oil Only, and five other unbelievably niche shops they only have in posh towns

VISITING a chi-chi little town? Here are six absurdly niche shops you’ll find there and only there.

Five rip-off toys to sell to kids

DO you want to make money without having anything of actual merit to sell? Try flogging these toys to gullible kids.

Nadine Dorries made culture war minister
NADINE Dorries has been made the minister for culture war with a remit to have all Britain in vicious conflict about bullshit by 2024.

Work

Twat boss rewards efficient work with more f**king work

AN absolute twat of a boss has rewarded an employee who finished their assignments in good time with yet more f**king work.

Office coaxes workers back with 'no trousers' policy

OFFICES across Britain are trying to tempt employees to stop working from home by allowing them to go completely bottomless.

'It's so much more efficient working from the office' says man in eighth conversation about it this morning

A MAN has agreed with the eighth colleague he has held a lengthy conversation about office working with that it is so much more efficient.

The five types of work meeting and what they really mean

THERE’S a meeting in your diary for this morning, but what kind of hell should you expect and should you even hope to survive?

Taxi driver, and four other professions where you meet people at their very worst

WANT a glimpse of humanity at its most deplorable? Polish your CV and apply to one of these jobs.

Man surprised to find that HR department seems to be on employer's side

A MAN has found that his office’s human resources team is perplexingly taking his employer’s side in a dispute rather than his.

Five ways for BBC News to avoid saying 'It's because of Brexit'
BREXIT has been a disaster in many fields, but the BBC are duty-bound not to say it. What are they saying instead?

Alcohol

Light, carefree summer drinking gives way to grim, determined winter drinking

THIS weekend marks the official end of Britain’s relaxed, airy summer drinking and the beginning of a hard winter of grim-faced serious drinking.  

Are you drinking enough red wine in the morning?

DRINKING three glasses of red wine a week is good for your health, according to new research. Functioning alcoholic Donna Sheridan gives her misinterpretation:

Bastard orders large glass of wine on your round

A PISS-TAKING bastard of a mate will always order a large glass of white wine when it is your turn to get a round in, he has confirmed.

Five disturbingly mental conversations to overhear in your local pub

POPPING the local for one? Prepared to overhear the most appallingly lunatic conversations ever?

The six stages of a hangover that's still going strong at 6pm

SOME hangovers don't fade away by the end of Lorraine, or lunchtime, or even early evening. Here's how they progress:

Five hideous alcoholic concoctions you drank to get wankered in the 90s

FROM Special Brew to snakebite, you drank some truly awful shit just to get drunk as fast as possible in the 90s. Here are the dated drinks that will make you heave now.

TalkSport presenter and other dickhead jobs Andrew Neil could do now
ANDREW NEIL is unemployed after jacking in GB News just three months after he started it. What dickhead job could he do next?