'I wouldn't have set fire to a Travelodge if I'd been kept abreast of the relevant facts'
HERE I am, inside HMP Risley, for throwing a burning bin through a Travelodge window. When the real crime is that I was wilfully under-informed.
RICHARD Gere, aged 75, has given a gushing interview about being married to a woman 33 years younger. But is he glossing over the reality? Let’s speculate.
A MAN who has spent 16 years in London has moved back to Wolverhampton so he can be closer to those who do not earn nearly as much money as he does.
WITH his vinyl, woollen hat, impeccable left-wing politics, eschewing of commitment and obsession with Japanese whiskey, Bumble Guy lends himself to a fun game. Play along at home!
THE pardoned January 6th rioters have asked President Trump if they can hold another riot to celebrate.
THE Almighty has confirmed that He personally intervened to save Trump’s life so he could become president and revoke birthright citizenship.
A NEW era of Trumpism has begun. And rest assured, as the commander-in-chief’s lower digestive system I will be ever vigilant during this second presidency. We need no accidents.
SOCIAL media has blighted society with its stupid trends. Just take planking, flossing, and the ice bucket challenge, all of which I participated in.
PRESIDENT Trump takes office today and has promised a flurry of new laws. These six are ranked from lunatic to fixed-gaze vibrating insanity.
Politics
MAKING someone redundant isn’t easy for any manager. But if you’ve no other option with a colleague called, to choose a name at random, Rachel, here’s how to make it as painless as possible.
AN 11-YEAR-OLD who is top of his primary school maths class is set to replace Rachel Reeves as chancellor, he claims.
LIZ Truss has threatened to sue Keir Starmer for saying she crashed the economy. And her legal delusions do not end there.
I COULD have told you Rachel Reeves would bugger up the economy. She needs a lesson in ‘gammonomics’ - economics based on good old common sense. And I'm happy to oblige.
Society
FRIEND selfish enough to be born in January? Insensitively expecting a birthday present regardless of your overdraft? These make ideal cost-effective gifts.
INDUSTRY bodies are reconsidering the legality of charging £1,906 in fines for paying for parking five minutes late. Dealing with these similar vexations could transform Labour’s fortunes.
THE Met Office has issued desperate, tearful pleading with your car warnings for huge swathes of the country.
A STARBUCKS staff member who always writes a terrible misspelling of your forename on your cup does so because the consensus of the staff is that you are an arsehole.
BEING condescended to and looked down upon by estate agents is still insufficiently demeaning to stop people buying houses, it has emerged.
A MAN was delighted to catch a glimpse of his own home on TV during a news item about a killing just metres from his front door.
Lifestyle
LOOKING to rent a room in one of Britain’s finest overpriced cities? Here are your options from bad to worse to somehow even worser.
A JUDGE in Croydon has ruled that air-kissing is not sexual harassment. So which other friendly gestures aren’t criminal but remain incredibly irritating?
ALL your WhatsApp groups sharing irritating aspirational resolutions? Here’s how to transform their commitment to bettering themselves into your moment to shine.
A WOMAN has sprung out of bed spontaneously filled with a primal disgust for every garment in her wardrobe and the compulsion to replace them.
NICK Clegg has left Meta and will fancy going to the pub once he's back in the UK. But after austerity and tuition fees he’s not too popular, so would you mind going as a favour?
TELEPHONE calls are rarely made by anyone except annoying twerps these days, and for good reason. Here’s why.
Sport
TODAY, professional football players will play others who earn more, subjecting their team and town to patronising media write-ups. Who will be the plucky victors?
THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.
HUGE sums of dirty money have been chosen to host the 2034 World Cup in Saudi Arabia.
ALIENATED 1990s Manchester City fans admitted seeing their club blow a 3-0 lead against Feyenoord last night was like coming home.
THE storied history of the Premier League is rich with legendary managers, and Christian Gross. But which would you least look forward to seeing every other Christmas?
Science & Technology
AN AI revolution will make every British man, woman and child into productive little batteries to power their artificial intelligence overlords.
META boss Mark Zuckerberg, who enjoys regular sexual congress with thoroughbred horses at his Palo Alto home, has told his platforms to drop fact-checking.
APPLE’S fantastic new AI is providing false news alerts including Rafael Nadal coming out and Luigi Mangione shooting himself. Expect these over the day.
GOOGLE has released the UK’s most frequent search terms of 2024, no, not the porn ones. The results will surprise and depress everyone.
IS a woman under the age of 55 asking for plumber recommendations on Nextdoor? Or flirtatiously adding career goals on LinkedIn? You should definitely make a move. Here’s how.
Arts & Entertainment
THE history of popular music is littered with platinum albums that were largely filler. You bought these and wished you’d waited for the greatest hits.
A MAN whose rear end has never been anything other than vigorously washed has been allowed to enter Love Island, to the horror of other contestants.
A GALLAGHER brother and Shaun Ryder are teaming up to triangulate monetisation of their fanbases. These supergroups were failures from their first moments.
GOT a song in your head but can’t remember anything concrete about it? Here’s how to drive yourself insane while trying to find it.
THE bestselling albums of 2024 have been announced, and they prove today’s music is rubbish compared to what dads listened to in their youth. Let’s compare totally different things.
IT only takes one appalling song to undermine a musical legacy. Here are the tunes that ruined everything for the talented idiots who wrote them.
Business
RIGHT now he’s flying, but Elon Musk is in a precarious position with Trump known to ditch anyone not completely subservient at whim. Stand by to savour his inevitable downfall.
A CANDY store. A Turkish barber. A newsagent which also does parcel returns. One of these must be genuine, but which? Reporter Emma Bradford investigates.
WATER: it falls from the skies. Collect it, treat it, send it out through the taps, sieve out the turds, treat it, job f**king done. Is that so hard, water companies?
THREE rail operators which are to be renationalised next year will soon have the same fantastic quality and customer service as your local council.
Work
ARE you doing your job perfectly, breaking neither rules nor codes, but should resign anyway because you are becoming a distraction like Tulip Siddiq? Find out.
A LENGTHY prison sentence is expected for a self-employed woman who had the audacity to believe she could complete her tax return without breaking the law.
A BOSS who is firmly against homeworking and demands all his employees attend the office in person is fine with it today.
HAVING a good time? Sat on your sofas, stuffing your faces, watching Saturday Kitchen? Christ I hate you. I’m at work.
MODERN jobs like to advertise perks to improve your wellbeing at work. But while they're appealing in theory, you'll soon start to feel it's oppression of the workers.
A PHOTOCOPIER has decided not to attend this year’s office Christmas party because it finds it always a degrading experience, it has confirmed.
Alcohol
A GROUP of drinkers spent three days snowed in at a Yorkshire pub and are gamely pretending they loved it. They didn’t and nor would you.
THE UK is excitedly counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until Dry January can begin, it has emerged.
TONIGHT photographers will be prowling to catch shameful scenes of pissed-up Britain showing its knickers and urinating publicly. But how can you do this at home?
THE UK has yet to meet even minimum standards of honesty about its level of intoxication, it has emerged.
ASSERTIONS that sensible younger people avoid alcohol are being challenged by the sheer number of hammered teenagers everywhere you go.
A LOOMING Guinness shortage will deprive millions of their favourite tipple, but don’t despair – following these simple tips will turn any pint into a Guinness.
