The 90s and other things that aren't as good as you remember

EVERYTHING seems great in retrospect because your memory is flawed. These fond recollections were pretty shit in reality.

Man listing hobbies on CV like it's a dating app

A MAN applying for jobs has listed his hobbies on his CV as if any prospective employer would give a shit that he enjoys ‘foreign cinema’.

Bath or baarth? The pronunciations which divide our nation

NOTHING splits our proud island nation like the pronunciation of certain trigger words. Here are five words that separate Southern wankers from Northern scum.

The coke snorters are your f**king voters, Tories told

MIDDLE-AGED middle-class affluent recreational class A drug users are your f**king voter base, they have explained to the prime minister.

Fantasy author creates incredibly believable world by spelling normal words slightly wrong
A FANTASY author praised for his stunning worldbuilding just takes everyday words and spells them slightly differently, it has emerged.
Six weird as f**k Christmas carols

THE festive season is upon us, and carollers around the country are warming up to shout weird shit. What the f**k are these classics about?

'Rather than buying and posting Christmas cards, we are spending the money on drugs'

THIS year, rather than spend money on the non-sustainable practice of sending Christmas cards, Annabelle and I have agreed to spend the money on drugs.

Do you live in a shitty new-build? Take our quiz

DO YOU live in a crappy little new-build house on an estate full of them? Find out with our quiz.

Starbucks unveil Christmas ham-flavoured frappuccino

AS part of their latest line of Christmas flavour beverages, Starbucks have announced a coffee that mimics the taste of an entire roast ham.

I'm not a very good vegetarian, says woman who eats meat three times a day

A WOMAN who describes herself as ‘not a very good vegetarian’ eats meat at every meal without giving it a second thought.

British TV streaming services ranked from 'shit' down to 'ITV Hub'

WE'RE living in a golden age of telly. Shame no one told these five British streamers. Here they are ranked from 'bad' to 'dreadful'.

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Politics

Priti Patel's lifetime of being disinvited to things

BEING disinvited by France is the latest in a long line of snubs for Priti Patel. Here is everything the Home Secretary has been turned away from during her life so far.

Now is not the time for Priti Patel

THE public has united in the face of the Channel tragedy by agreeing that now is not the time for Priti Patel to be saying anything at all. 

How to wriggle out of criticism by calling it misogyny, by Nadine Dorries

I CAN get away with loads of stupid shit by calling any man who legitimately criticises me a misogynist. Here’s how I go about it:

'The prime minister is not on crystal meth, not confused about which country he lives in and was not in the rose garden with his cock out at 3am'

AFTER issuing a categorical denial that Boris Johnson is unwell and losing his grip, a Downing Street spokesman has issued a further, more specific denial.

It's only the racism keeping me voting Tory, admits 77-year-old

AN elderly woman who will lose her house under new plans for social care said she only  keeps voting Conservative because of their long-standing commitment to racism.

Poor people to stay poor: the new social care cap explained

CONFUSED by the changes to the social care cap? Find out how it will f**k you over with our guide.

Vibrator less emotionally distant than boyfriend
A WOMAN has realised that she has a deeper emotional bond with her vibrator than she does with her boyfriend.

Society

Uncharitable Christmas Appeal: donate now and stop a lifeboat saving people

JUST a few pounds of your money can help stop the launch of a lifeboat that might rescue migrants. Here’s what you’ll get for your donation.

Not worth going anywhere once you factor in parking, study finds

A STUDY has revealed that the ballache involved in parking your car when going anywhere makes it not worth leaving the house for anything at all.

Average woman feels guilty about 327 things every 24 hours

THE average woman feels guilty approximately 327 times every 24 hours or 13.62 time every hour, new research has found.

Christmas markets now just one pissed-off British bloke selling cans of lager

FOLLOWING Brexit and Covid, traditional Christmas markets are now a grumpy bastard from Walsall selling cans of Carling out of a shed. 

Face it, it's f**king Christmas

SOURCES have confirmed that it may technically still be November but you might as well face the facts: it is f**king Christmas and there is no point pretending otherwise.

Pythagoras' Theorem, and other pointless things from school still taking up space in your head

DESPITE having left school many, many years ago, there are still some absolutely useless pieces of learning clogging up your brain...

Russian dashcam footage, and other weird things your boyfriend watches on YouTube
IF you’re brave enough peruse your boyfriend’s search history, you’ll wish the strangest thing he secretly watches is porn. Here are some oddities to look out for.

Lifestyle

How to waste your life browsing crap in charity shops

WANT to squander your one and only life while browsing other people’s unwanted tat? Here’s how to go about it in a charity shop.

Six guilty secrets your family probably don't need to know about

WE'VE all done things in our lives we're not particularly proud of. Here are some it’s best even your nearest and dearest never know about.

Where should babies be allowed? Two unreasonable idiots debate

MP Stella Creasy has sparked a debate about taking your baby to work. Here self-righteous mum Donna Sheridan and child-hater Roy Hobbs exchange unhelpful views.

Five legitimate reasons not to get out of bed this morning

YOUR alarm has just gone off. Here’s why you’re absolutely justified in ignoring it.

Clothes you wear around the house that you wouldn't be seen dead in outside it

FASHION doesn’t exist indoors. Instead comfort reigns, which means you answer the door to the postman wearing these outfits.

Woman believes she can get ready in 15 minutes despite lifetime of evidence to contrary

A WOMAN is convinced she can be ready to leave the house in 15 minutes despite never once doing so in her entire adult life.

Middle class woman counts cheese as a hobby
A MIDDLE class woman has confused a potential suitor by counting cheese as one of her hobbies and interests.

Sport

Racist can't face getting into cricket

A KEEN and committed racist has admitted that despite Yorkshire’s exemplary record of bigotry he is still not getting into cricket.

Taliban to take over Middlesbrough FC

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

British sporting success making us look like dicks, Remainers admit

REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.

They both play sport: Reasons why Gavin Williamson confused Marcus Rashford with Maro Itoje

THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:

Five reasons why Ronaldo's a crap transfer, by supporters of other teams

RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.

How to bore non-football fans shitless now the season is back

WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don't give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics.

Ugly munters running out of excuses not to get kissed
WITH mistletoe smooches now permitted, unattractive people are fast running out of reasons for not kissing.

Science & Technology

​​Answering by saying his number: Weird things your dad does on the phone

YOUR dad uses phones in very strange ways. Here are some of the weirder ones to try and not get stressed about.

Five innocent texts that sound aggro as f**k to the recipient

NEED to relay basic information without sounding bitchy? Good luck - even these innocent texts sound passive aggressive.

Ways the Metaverse will be worse than real life

WILL Facebook’s exciting new online world be a digital oasis? Or a bit of a disappointment that’s increasingly a chore? Let’s look at the evidence.

How to decode your mum's emojis

MUM is messaging and the emojis are flowing but her choices are utterly baffling. Here’s what she’s really trying to say:

Five sounds to add to electric cars to make them less f**king creepy

THE silent smugness of an approaching electric car can scare you shitless. What sounds could be added as a warning?

'Hand-wash only' cardigan should f**king get over itself

A CARDIGAN that claims on its care label to be 'hand-wash only' has been told to get a f**king grip.

Incredibly stupid times your partner decides to tell you something important
DOES your partner have an important piece of information hey simply must impart? They’ll choose one of these inappropriate times to do it:

Arts & Entertainment

Six rebel songs that are bollocks now you're old and sensible

REMEMBER these rebellious songs that had you righteously aflame in your youth? How misguided they seem to older, wiser, middle-aged you.

Get Back extended edition has alternate ending where the Beatles stay together

THE extended edition of Peter Jackson’s Beatles documentary includes an alternative ending where the Fab Four do not break up.

Musical 'legends' you'll get hate mail for rightfully calling out as shite

MUSIC history is littered with performers hailed as groundbreaking legends. Here are some you'll get abuse for if you so much as hint they’re not musical geniuses.

Why I'm now forced to pretend Benny f**king Hill's hilarious, by a gammon

AS A gammon, I can’t be seen laughing at right-on lefties. Instead I enjoy dolly birds with big knockers and Indian men with bad English. Stuff that’s naturally funny.

Party Rock Anthem, and other shit songs that soundtracked the 2010s

REMEMBER the 2010s as a time of musical experimentation and lyrical brilliance? You shouldn’t. These ear-defiling tracks will forever define the decade.

Young people buying cassettes are twats

YOUNG people buying limited edition cassette tapes by their favourite artists are twats, everyone has agreed.

All back to Chequers for the piss-up of the year, roars Johnson
THE prime minister has promised that his weekend residence will be open to the general public for a mass UK Christmas piss-up in December.

Business

Most important man in the world puts out-of-office response on for afternoon off

THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.

Shopworker devastated to hear complaining customer taking business elsewhere

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.

Six items Amazon is suggesting you buy because you bought a smoke alarm three years ago

AMAZON’S algorithm, like an elephant, never forgets. And to this day it’s making helpful suggestions based on a 2018 smoke alarm purchase.

Tesco Metro changes slogan to 'because you can't be f***ed doing a big shop'

TESCO Metro has unveiled a new slogan that reflects the half-arsed shopping habits of its customers.

Pandora Papers reveal you're the only dickhead paying tax

THE Pandora Papers have revealed that you are the only person in the entire world paying their fair share of taxes and everyone is laughing at you.

Energy companies facing huge unexpected bills offered prepayment meters

ENERGY firms facing bankruptcy due to soaring bills have been patronisingly advised that a prepayment meter would control their spending.

FREE! Your Daily Mail special all-invective 48-page Meghan Markle hatred souvenir colour special
YES, free with today’s Daily Mail! - a 48-page colour special of Meghan Markle loathing to keep and treasure forever!

Work

What to do when you're caught doing nothing at work

WORK is dull, so you’re fated to spend time during the working day treading life’s water. Here’s what to do when caught.

Work colleagues having extremely f**king obvious affair

A PAIR of colleagues who believe they are engaged in a secret affair could not be more wrong, workmates have confirmed.

'Who are you?' and other truthful messages for office leaving cards

OFFICE leaving cards are a cruel sea of lies and mistruths. Here’s what would be written if they weren’t sparing your feelings.

Enthusiastic on Mondays, and other signs you're the worst colleague

DO your workmates absolutely despise you? This is why.

How is the new office trainee getting on your tits?

THERE'S a new kid on the block at work and he’s driving you round the f**king pipe. Here’s what the obsequious little twat is up to.

Lock up these thieving public sector workers, by a brainwashed tabloid reader

WHAT a surprise. Public sector workers are getting another bumper payout in the budget. I say it’s time to call them what they are - lazy thieving scum, and punish them accordingly.

Six iconic band names you'd never get away with today
IMAGINE the shitstorm if you tried calling your band Foreigner right now. Here are some that were acceptable at the time, but probably not anymore...

Alcohol

Lightweight pissed after 10 pints

A MAN who is pissed after drinking 10 pints in quick succession has been branded an 'embarrassing lightweight' by his friends.

What your booze collection says about you

WHICH boozy classics have you got rammed at the back of your cupboard? And what do they say about the kind of person you are?

Pint of water sitting next to bed all night did nothing to stop hangover

AN UNTOUCHED glass of tap water has done nothing to take the edge off a man's raging hangover.

Girls' night out in tearful crisis before end of first drink

A GIRLS' night out has descended into arguments, sulks and tears in the toilet before the first drink has been finished.

First thing Monday morning actually best time to drink, man discovers

A MAN discovered that, contrary to convention, Monday morning is actually a far better time to drink than Friday night.

20-year-old thinks he's hungover

A MAN who is too young to know what a bad hangover actually feels like thinks he is experiencing one.

Sajid Javid's guide to snogging girls
SAJID Javid has said Britons should ‘snog who they wish’ under the mistletoe this Christmas. Here the health secretary explains how he’s snogged loads of girls, honest.