ATHLETES in Paris’s Olympic village are spending their evenings engaged in sexual congress which they see as a physical endurance challenge.
WAKING with a feeling of wellbeing, elation and high self-esteem, I reflect on what led to this happy condition - oddly, a conversation with my private physician, who suggested I address my alcoholic intake.
THE futility of Britain’s decision to leave the EU has been exposed by a little tethered bottle cap you get annoyed about on a daily basis.
THE opening ceremony of the Olympic Games in Paris will be so obsessed with France and French national identity that Britain will go unmentioned, fans fear.
ORLANDO Bloom, noted thespian, Mr Katy Perry and former elf, reveals the everyday proverbs which continue to leave him baffled.
GETTING it on with a hot stranger only to be faced with their dead grandma staring back at you? Here are some more tats guaranteed to put you off your stroke.
THE same old twats who sullied the last few Conservative leadership races are once again entering this one.
BOOKING a holiday was easy and the flight was painless, but now your dysfunctional relationship is about to be tested to the limit by spending time together. Here’s how to avoid disaster.
Politics
STARMER’S Labour have been in power for almost a week, and yet Britain still suffers from myriad problems. Which one has lost him your vote?
AS well as clocking off at 6pm on Fridays, Keir Starmer has announced he will take hourly fag breaks in the garden of Downing Street.
NOW he is no longer the MP for Stoke-on-Trent North, former teacher and monkey Jonathan Gullis has confirmed he will return to his zoological career.
Society
BRITAIN’S teachers are basking in the satisfaction of the summer holidays, which they agree is the most rewarding part of their job.
A SECONDARY school is spuriously arguing that today’s Year 7 trip to a theme park has educational value.
A FAMILY at a National Trust property have entered a room only to find their exit barred by an individual in period costume with a mission to educate.
THERE’S no shortage of working-class cliches, from owning a whippet to working as a horny gamekeeper. But times change, and these are the signifiers of being working-class now.
LABOUR have promised the financially unfortunate from my generation the chance to own a home. Might be tough for some of you who aren’t used to it. Here’s how to live in one.
THE UK’s oldest dogging site has been re-opened by the National Trust after a £2 million refurbishment.
Lifestyle
A MAN who has felt sluggish and groggy every morning for the last 20 years has been stunned to learn that getting more sleep makes him perkier.
SHARING interminable and exaggerated anecdotes about drug experiences is to be made a criminal offence, it has emerged.
IN A crowded field of shameful dork hobbies, there is still a top dog. Dr Helen Archer details the subtle hierarchy which makes one nerd feel superior to another.
A TRAIN ticket that cost more than £100 had better get checked by either a guard or a barrier or preferably both.
SUELLA Braverman is feeling confident and prioritising her own happiness this summer by going to America and saying mental things.
SENSIBLE centrist fathers are being rushed to A&E with cases of 11-hour election-induced priapism, it has emerged.
Sport
HE has walked away from the England team, but who knows what rowdy craziness Gareth Southgate will get up next?
OF the names bandied around to be next England manager, most would rather be fired out of a cannon into Jordan Pickford. But there are always fools:.
THE BBC has revealed that it prepared an amazing montage in preparation for England’s incredible last-minute win in the final that never happened.
AN eight-year-old has woken up excited only to be informed that football will not be coming home because it is dead.
GARETH Southgate has announced, hours before the European Championship final, that the entire England squad is injured as is he.
Science & Technology
BILLIONAIRE and philanthropist Bill Gates has sacrificed his life to make Windows work again.
A FAULTY software update has crippled banking, airlines, trains and everything else that runs on Windows, it has emerged.
EVERYONE was enjoying a nice evening down the local until artificial intelligence rocked up trying to be their best mate.
GEN Z colleagues not taking their job seriously? Sit down and terrify them with tales of a primitive time when the working conditions were as antiquated as the haircuts.
THE internet’s most delicate email provider is on the verge of complete nervous collapse after a man logged into his account in a fractionally different way than usual.
Arts & Entertainment
TO the relief of many music lovers, Adele has announced she is going to take a big break from recording. Hopefully these artists will follow suit.
STRICTLY dancer Graziano Di Prima is in trouble after bullying allegations, and it’s just the latest anodyne family viewing show that turned out to be living a lie.
YOU thought you were doing well, namedropping Taylor Swift and Lana Del Rey, but Gen Z laughed at you. These are the new names to pretend to be familiar with.
A FIELD containing vast quantities of human faeces and dodgy fast food vans is being gentrified beyond the means of most Britons this weekend.
Business
BRITAIN'S sadistically bad rail services are being taken back into public ownership by Labour. So which one will you be most pleased to see the back of?
SEEN an absolute bargain on Facebook Marketplace? Ready for the physical, emotional and financial toll that will be inflicted faster than you can say ‘Is this still available?’
LABOUR will not promise that capital gains tax will rise, but have you, or has anyone you know, ever paid it? This FAQ explains what it is and why the answer is no:
THE soaring number of office workers selfishly dying at their desks is costing Britain £2.6bn a year, a new report has found.
A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.
Work
A TEENAGER in her first job was shocked to be remunerated for her efforts, having assumed it was part of a grand scheme to make her life miserable.
YOUR lunch break is a golden hour of freedom from a long day as a corporate drone, except when the wankers you work with take it from you.
A THIRD of the UK’s homeworkers plan to do their jobs from a rain-lashed beach during severe gales in Britain this summer.
EVERY employee in Britain is whistling and smiling until their thunder-faced bosses stalk past, it has emerged.
A MAN working a standard nine-to-five office job is finding it almost impossible to find the right ratio of working to doing f**k all.
Alcohol
GIGGLING friends suspect a woman, aged 33 and newly married, is refusing all alcohol because she is in a delicate condition after an epic session.
RESEARCH keeps showing that young people are choosing not to drink alcohol, the freaks. Here Tom Logan, 45, explains why this dangerous fad must end.
ELECTION night looms and every politics junkie is planning an all-nighter of intoxicants punctuated with celebration as Tories lose their seats. This is your timeline...
A MAN is keeping his anxiety in check by seeking reassurance from his emotional support beer, it has emerged.
ON hot days a pint of beer is a delicious and refreshing way to bring your mood right down, experts have confirmed.
THE nation’s fact checkers are still attempting to verify thousands of claims related to an apparently legendary night out your mate has told you about.
