Dads call for insulting birthday cards to be classed as hate speech

FATHERS have called for birthday cards that stereotype them as lazy, useless drunks to be classified as hate speech.

Woman doomed to spend the rest of her life in warm shower

A WOMAN has found herself physically incapable of stepping out of her warm shower and into the unpleasantly cold atmosphere of her bathroom.

Rural neighbours who can't do enough for you a pain in the arse

CITY dwellers who relocated to the countryside for a quieter life find their friendly, helpful village neighbours an absolute pain in the backside.

Only 12 celebrities you know left after yesterday

THERE are only 12 public figures you know left after this week’s flurry of celebrity deaths, it has been confirmed.

Sitting backwards on a train will make woman die horribly or something
A WOMAN is unable to sit backwards on a moving train for unspecified yet ominous reasons, it has emerged.
Things you do in your 40s your own parents would never have got away with

MANY activities you do now would have made you a social pariah in your parents’ day, especially in middle-age. So cherish your freedom to do these pretty mundane things.

Chronic liar tells friend he will watch TV series they recommended

A DEVIOUS man has yet again told a friend he will watch a TV series they recommended despite having no intention of doing so.

Unhappy couples brace as 'too close to Christmas' break-up deadline approaches

INCOMPATIBLE couples across the UK are feeling the pressure as the window of opportunity to break up before Christmas closes. 

We'd never have found out the names without you, people with Google tell Piers Morgan

PEOPLE with access to Google have confirmed they would never have discovered the names of the royals accused of racism without Piers Morgan’s help.

Five futile things twats do when they're stuck in traffic

IN a jam and going nowhere fast? Here are five irrational acts that will have absolutely no f**king effect on your traffic situation.

Shit songs you couldn't be arsed to fast-forward on Now That's What I Call Music!

IT’S the 40th anniversary of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations. Here are some tracks you’ll never forget, much as you’d like to, because fast-forwarding them was such a pain in the arse.

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Current Suella Braverman attacks Suella Braverman of Sept 2022-Nov 2023

THE Suella Braverman of Sept 2022-Nov 2023 was ‘a slap in the face’ for voters, Suella Braverman has insisted.

Tories genuinely think you've been blown away

THE Conservative party actually believes that you are overwhelmed by their generosity in yesterday’s budget.

Yeah, it's the National Insurance that's f**king killing us, everyone agrees

BRITAIN has agreed that between inflation, rent, mortgage rates and taxes, National Insurance was definitely the problem in need of urgent attention.

'Sorry I lost the house gambling, here's some flowers from the garage' say Tories

THE Conservative party has apologised for losing the house in a series of ill-advised bets by presenting Britain with a bunch of flowers from the all-night garage.

Why we should have tax cuts that benefit me personally and nobody else, by a whole bunch of twats

TOMORROW’S budget statement is rumoured to contain tax cuts, but will they save you money or are they politicised bullshit? A group of twats give their views.

Jeremy Hunt to personally garrotte the chronically ill

THE chancellor has announced he will personally execute the 2.6 million people on long-term sickness benefits to reduce welfare spending.

Woman who wanted boyfriend to express his feelings wishing he would stop now
A WOMAN who encouraged her boyfriend to talk about his feelings wishes he would stop now as she is trying to watch EastEnders, it has emerged.


The Hunger Games, and other things Gen Z is nostalgic for that happened f**king yesterday

YOU’RE nostalgic for MacGyver and Eurythmics, so when Gen Z reminisces about The Hunger Games and The X Factor, it makes you feel like a wizened elder. Here’s what they’re looking back on.

'Why isn't there a White Friday?' asks gammon

A CONTRARIAN bigot is predictably asking why there is a Black Friday but no White Friday.

'Why are you in a mood with me?' woman asks traffic warden giving her ticket

A WOMAN has demanded the traffic warden writing her a parking ticket explain why he thinks it is okay to treat her like this.

Cow delighted to be killed to make a big coat for a goth

A YOUNG cow has been excited to learn she will one day become a trench coat worn by a goth, it has emerged.

Five late autumn days out that will make you wish you'd stayed at home

AS the misery of autumn gives way to the desolation of winter, there are plenty of awful days out to be endured. Including these ordeals.

Men secretly wearing leggings

ALL men are secretly wearing a nice warm pair of leggings beneath their jeans, it has been confirmed.

What gross illness has your child brought home from nursery this week?
ARE you feeling like shit again and wondering what your toddler has infected you with this week? Probably one of these vile ailments.


Christmas lights switch-on performed by pissed-off dad

A FAMILY’S Christmas lights switch-on has been performed by a father who has been up and down ladders untangling this shit all f**king day.

Rough as f**k parishioners attending flat-roofed church 

A TERRIFYING church with a flat roof is frequented by worshippers who look like they would shank you just to get a quid for the collection plate.

Photoshoot of newborn could be literally any baby

A COUPLE who paid hundreds of pounds for a photoshoot of their newborn are oblivious to the fact that it could be anyone’s baby.

The parents' guide to being sophisticated enough for your worldly daughter who's back home from university

YOUR daughter has finally deigned to come home for the weekend, only to act too good for spaghetti hoops in front of The Chase. Here’s how to impress her.

Man-bun replaces combover as best baldness-hiding hairstyle

THE man-bun is now the most popular hairstyle choice for desperate men who are fighting a losing battle with baldness.

The swimming pool changing room, and other agonising places to bump into an acquaintance

MET someone you sort of know while wearing a scrap of wet lycra and nothing else? You’ll hate seeing them in these other places too.

Woman's friends fail to keep promise to kill her boyfriend with a shovel if he cheated
A WOMAN is outraged that her friends did not beat her cheating boyfriend to death with a shovel, despite having clearly promised to do so. 


If City win let's just call the season there, football fans agree

FANS of Premier League clubs have agreed that if Manchester City win today’s match against Liverpool they may as well just call the whole season for them.

'It was worth it for the wild thrill-ride of success we've been on' says Everton fan

AN Everton fan has said the Premier League can deduct ten points but cannot take away the memories of his club's incredible last few years.

Let Saudi Arabia win the f**king World Cup as well if you want, shrugs football

FOOTBALL fans have suggested that, since Saudi Arabia is going to host the World Cup in 2034, why not let the murdering pricks win the f**ker as well.

Shattered nation finding what comfort it can in Manchester United defeat

A COUNTRY beset by horrifying news on every front is trying to wrap itself in the warm glow of Manchester United being beaten three-nil by City.

Female football fan shamelessly sexist about women's football

A FEMALE football fan has openly poured scorn on women’s football in a manner that is extremely offensive to women.

England reach semi-final, but in rugby

THE England team are in a World Cup semi-final, but sadly only in the game of rugby.

Having your tie as short as possible: Lame ways teenagers try to pimp their school uniform
TEENAGERS will try anything in a pathetic attempt at rebellion. And as everyone who went to school knows, even the dullest uniform can be used to prove you don’t give a f**k.

Science & Technology

Dad's phone torch on again

A DAD has left his phone torch on again, it has been confirmed.

Man has no passwords left to give

A MAN has admitted he has no passwords left in him after years of using the internet.

'It was closed' and other incredibly helpful online reviews morons leave

CHECKING online reviews is a minefield of idiots, pricks with a vendetta, and people who are incapable of spelling anything longer than two letters. Like these.

Pensioners at computer literacy class all keen to spread bigotry online

ALL attendees at a computer literacy class for the over-70s are learning to use the internet so they can share their prejudices with the world.

Texting with one finger the correct way, scientists confirm 

EXPERTS agree with your mum that jabbing the screen with a single finger is the most effective method of text messaging.

Hipster teen has growing collection of obsolete MP3s 

A TEENAGE boy believes he is  the coolest person in his university halls thanks to his arsenal of outdated digital downloads.

Traitor has no strong opinion on Elgin Marbles
A SPINELESS turncoat does not have a furious opinion on whether the Elgin Marbles should be returned to Greece, it has emerged.

Arts & Entertainment

Doctor Who adventures so bad it's impossible to believe they were actually broadcast

AS a kid you loved Doctor Who no matter how shoddy and repetitive it was. But in our age of big-budget streaming shows, viewers would struggle to believe these were real episodes on actual TV.

Netflix to start playing next episode before one you're watching has finished

NETFLIX has announced plans to autoplay the next episode of every show before the current one has finished in a bid to keep viewers binge-watching.

What trite and obvious political point is your Banksy print making?

AN unearthed interview seems to confirm that Banksy is Bristol-based artist Robin Gunningham. But if you’re got one of his undemanding artworks on your wall, what does it mean?

Nation's dads to hold headlight-lit vigil for Top Gear

BRITAIN'S dads will be gathering silently in their cars and switching on their headlights in honour of Top Gear, they have confirmed.

Next Bushtucker trial to trap Farage in Schengen Area

AN upcoming Bushtucker trial will force Nigel Farage to endure confinement in a free-movement agreement between 27 Eurozone countries.

André 3000’s album of flute solos, and other self-indulgent musical returns by artists who were once good

THE Outkast star is back with a head-scratching 90-minute instrumental woodwind album. Here are some other artists who have returned with truly dreadful music.

Man feeling suffocated by expectation of liking and taking an interest in girlfriend
A BOYFRIEND feels utterly smothered by having to be nice to his partner and spend some of his spare time with her.


Successful person admits lack of working-class backstory

A SUCCESSFUL entrepreneur has confessed that she neither has a working-class background or is prepared to make one up.

How to escape from a crappy little gift shop selling overpriced shite without buying anything

WANDERED into a curious little shop only to realise it sells nothing worth buying, you’re alone and the proprietor is staring at you? Here’s how to politely free yourself.

Government aiming to end north-south travel by 2025 by renewing Avanti's rail contract

THE government has confirmed that it will make it impossible to travel between the north and south of the UK by totally f**king up the railways.

Failing American candy shop wishes it was money-laundering front

THE proprietor of a struggling American candy business only wishes money-laundering criminal syndicates were interested in his business.

'I am a successful businessman staying in a five-star hotel, and I'm f**king having Coco Pops for breakfast'

WHEN staying alone in a hotel, a man powering through a five-figure deal must seize the opportunity for the breakfast of champions. Coco Pops.

Should you sext someone who just wanted a ham and mushroom pizza? A guide for arseholes

A THIRD of 18 to 34-year-olds have been inappropriately texted by staff at takeaways or delivering parcels. Here’s a handy checklist to read before sending customers a picture of your cock.

Seven roles playing arseholes more appropriate for Laurence Fox
LAURENCE Fox has claimed accusations of racism scuppered his chances of being in a Batman film, but maybe he needs to set his sights a little lower. These parts would be ideal.


We choose candidates based on their Religious Studies GCSE grade, admit employers

EMPLOYERS have confirmed they only consider giving the top roles to candidates with top grades in their religious studies GCSEs.

Colleague's tits suddenly bigger

A WOMAN who has been absent on medical leave has return to the office with, to her co-workers’ surprise, significantly larger breasts.

Get back in the office or you're fired and fill in your satisfaction survey positively: five contradictory statements from human resources

HUMAN resources want to fully exploit their humans as a resource and for them to be happy about it. These are the contradictory messages you will get this week.

Getting reprimanded politely the worst, employees confirm

BEING told off in a constructive and professional manner by a manager who only wants to help is far worse than a red-faced bollocking, workers have agreed.

Lanyard powerless outside corporate realm

A CORPORATE worker is beginning to realise that her lanyard wields no power in the outside world.

Have you considered becoming a barrister, mum asks middle-aged son

A WOMAN has asked her middle-aged son if he has considered becoming a barrister, with cancer research scientist or Oxford professor as back-up options.

Five celebrities it will be weird to see as D-listers in 20 years
FAME is a fickle mistress, with even the biggest names quickly becoming non-entities. Expect to be weirded out when these ones inevitably become D-listers.


Doncaster celebrates 20 years of wine

DONCASTER is marking the 20th anniversary of wine being introduced to the city’s pubs, shops and supermarkets.

British women best at being pissed

BRITISH women have triumphed against their gutless continental counterparts in the global race to be the best binge-drinkers.  

Hungover woman determined to make everyone suffer for it

A WOMAN who drank two bottles of red wine last night is determined to share her pain with everyone around her, it has emerged.

You've been drinking body shots off strippers WRONG your whole life

EVERYONE likes to slurp up a shot of tequila from a stripper’s belly button, but did you know you’ve been doing it wrong your whole life?

American treated to traditional British Halloween of getting shitfaced in regular clothes

A GUEST from the US is enjoying a British celebration of Halloween without all the sobriety and costumed nonsense he’s used to.

London Zoo, British Museum: Six places where it's inappropriate, but possible, to get drunk

GETTING pissed in the pub is beginner shit. Advanced drinkers should head to these places where it's weird to get half-cut, but still possible.

Winner-stays-on pool champion dies at his post after 30 years of back-to-back victories
STILL longing for a worthy opponent, the undisputed champion of winner-stays-on pool has died at the table after 30 years of victories.