The Brexiter’s guide to ending freedom of movement
BREXITERS will be delighted by plans to end freedom of movement, but have you thought it through properly? Read our guide on the slim off-chance you haven’t.
Living life to the full ‘not the same as getting p*ssed every day’
A CONTROVERSIAL new study suggests that leading a rich and full life might not necessarily involve getting sh*tfaced as often as possible.
Late night trip to Tesco still oddly thrilling
GOING to a supermarket at 4am is strangely exciting and edgy even though it is just full of knackered people stacking shelves, it has been confirmed.
Tedious b*stard decides his personality is ‘meat eater’
A MAN without much personality has decided to compensate by constantly telling people how into meat he is.
The idiot’s guide to changing your name
WANT to change your name? Perhaps you’re on the run or just tired of being called Leslie Smallcock? Here’s how to do it without sounding like a tw*t.
Woman who watched Mindhunter believes boyfriend is a serial killer
A WOMAN who binge-watched all the episodes of Mindhunter is convinced she has developed an instinct for sniffing out sadistic murderers.
Playing cricket in England for five days ‘practical joke that went too far’
THE idea of holding a five-day cricket match in England was initially conceived as a prank, it has emerged.
The Government’s real and completely amazing no-deal Brexit plans
THE Government has revealed its real no-deal Brexit plans, drawn up by Michael Gove and his 14-year-old son at their Cornish holiday cottage yesterday afternoon.
Idiots at outdoor cinema shiver through film they’ve seen before
Film fans at an outdoor cinema event insisted they had a great time shivering through a film they have all seen several times before.
Woman’s handbag basically a dustbin with leather handles
A WOMAN’S designer leather handbag has gradually evolved into a crap-filled portable dustbin.
Best not to think about what cheese is, say experts
EXPERTS have agreed that it is best for everyone if we neither think about nor acknowledge what cheese actually is.
Woman becomes self help guru simply by putting every 10th word in all-caps
A WOMAN has become a self help guru after accidentally putting every 10th word she writes in capital letters.
Whistleblower reveals Britain’s universities ‘full of dweebs’
AN anonymous whistleblower has revealed that Britain's universities are hotbeds of dweebish behaviour.
Best man’s speech makes everyone realise groom is genuinely awful person
A BEST man speech has succeeded in turning everyone the groom has ever cared about against him.
The toddler’s guide to being taken to a music festival
IT may feel as if your parents are trying to traumatise or actually kill you by taking you to a music festival, but they are just idiots. Here's how to avoid being mentally scarred for life.
How to handle a family car journey without jumping out the f*cking window
ARE you about to be trapped inside a metal box on wheels with your family for hours on end? Here’s how to survive:
Five utterly pointless debates you can’t help getting sucked into
DO you sometimes get drawn into mindless ‘debates’ then bitterly regret wasting your time? Here are some classics to avoid.
2000 AD reader ruins date by saying woman looks ‘zarjaz’
A MAN has ruined his chance to form a romantic relationship by using an invented slang word to describe his date.
How to pretend today’s torrential rain isn’t ruining your British holiday
PARTS of Britain will today get a month’s rain in a day, but how will you claim it isn’t making your British break a nightmare? Try these tips.
Pedants literally give up over misuse of ‘literally’
BRITAIN’S pedants have conceded defeat over persistent misuse of the word ‘literally’.
