Your astrological week ahead for February 15th, with Psychic Bob

It’s nice that Judas is still counted as one of the apostles even after everything that went down.

The boss's former coke habit, and six other uncomfortable truths you learn about co-workers after the third round

OUT for drinks with the office last night? Woken up under the burden of some confessions that, in the light of day, you really wish you could forget? These will always be there.

We ask you: did you manage to get a Valentine's shag last night, or what?

THE most wonderful day of February is behind us, but did the romance in the air and relentless marketing succeed in getting you laid?

Beyonce fans accidentally buy Black Sabbath tickets and vice versa
THOUSANDS of Beyoncé fans have mistakenly been sold tickets for Black Sabbath’s final gig, and vice versa.
The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Robert Kennedy Jr, thinning the herd of morons?

WAKING up with a hangover so intense that anything I stare at turns bright green and melts, I reflect on the turbulence of the last few days.

Vaguely in shape dad sets unrealistic beauty standard for men

A FATHER with only a slight paunch and moderately receding grey hair is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men, it has emerged.

A selfie, a friendship bracelet, no new invasions until 2029: The tough concessions Trump is demanding from Putin

TRUMP may have offered Putin everything he wants before peace talks have started, but he does have non-negotiable demands of his own.

Seven classic expenses fiddles they can't touch you for. By Rachel Reeves

WE all like to supplement our salary with dodgy expense claims, but even a pro like me gets caught out sometimes. Stick to these classic scams and HR won’t be able to touch you. 

A statement on behalf of Demi Moore on the ongoing trend of chocolate bar 'shrinkflation'

I’VE held my tongue for too long. But I refuse to be silenced. It is time to speak my truth. And my truth is this: is it just me, or are KitKat Chunkys getting smaller?

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Politics

UK to become cashless economy

BRITAIN is to become the world’s first entirely cashless economy, Rachel Reeves has announced.

'Can you sort me out with a passport?': Fun questions to make Mandelson tell you to f**k off

PETER Mandelson has told a journalist to ‘f**k off’ when asked about Jeffrey Epstein. It’s a shame he only moves in super-rich circles, because it would be fun to ask him these questions too.

There's only one way to deal with a bully – be their bitch. By Keir Starmer

YOU may think schoolyard bullies have little to do with tariffs. But when Tommo Smith confronted me on my first day at ‘big school’, I learned a lesson which has stayed with me.

Stand in an unnecessarily long airport queue: Five ways to celebrate five years of Brexit

FIVE years ago Britain left the EU in a triumphant venture that brought the nation together. Here’s how to celebrate half a decade of non-stop Brexit success.

Can I use it to pay for the weekly big shop? Your Heathrow third runway questions answered

UNSURE how a third runway at Heathrow will benefit you in any way? Perhaps you lack the vision required to kickstart growth. The answers are here.

Why it takes us five whole days to reply to your messages: The pathetic excuses of slow texters
PEOPLE who take 120 hours to send one-word replies to texts may seem like piss-takers, but they have their flimsy reasons. Such as these…

Society

Posh people evolved to speak 37 per cent louder

THE aggressively loud volume of the average posh person is in fact a product of evolution, scientists believe.

We ask you: are you interested in any other miscarriages of justice, or just this specific one?

THE Lucy Letby case is making headlines after experts claimed there were no murders. Will this prompt you to look at other unfair convictions or is it a one-off?

Are Gen Z shiftless, idle bastards throwing away Britain's future or just in their 20s? An investigation

ARE today’s young people uniquely indolent and incapable of hard work, or just at the exact age when everyone is like that? Helen Archer looks into this urgent question.

Concerns about shoplifting you'll agree with until you realise I'm a racist. By Roy Hobbs

THE new trend of extremely brazen shoplifting is worrying. You’re probably agreeing with me now, but that's before you've realised I am a massive racist.

All motorists always beeping and waving, assumes shit driver

A MAN believes the roads of the UK are packed with swearing, gesticulating red-faced motorists as he encounters so many every single day.

Deluded man swears you used to be able to buy things with a fiver

A MAN who has lost his grip on reality is convinced that goods or services could once be bought with nothing more than a five pound note.

How to get that hot Elon Musk look
HE’S the bullish tech billionaire turning heads and defunding federal agencies in the White House, but how can you capture that maverick Musk charm? Follow these tips.

Lifestyle

Walking five abreast while texting: your guide to being a tourist in Britain

YOU may behave rationally in your foreign cities, but once you visit our shores you become a tourist and must behave accordingly and annoyingly. Follow these rules.

Seven problems attractive people have you could probably cope with

ATTRACTIVE people get preferential treatment at work, research has found, but the gorgeous have replied that beauty brings its own issues. You feel you could cope with these.

Progressive man secretly loves tits and explosions

AN otherwise progressive man has admitted that he is still transfixed by boobs and enjoys movies with massive explosions.

Putting a condom on while maintaining an erection: sex challenges you can relate to

ONLYFANS stars are competing in sex challenges, but if your sex life is humdrum and you’re at best an average performer, less extreme ones are a lot more achievable.

Man's happy place is Screwfix

THE memory that makes a man feel most happy and at peace is of his local branch of Screwfix, it has emerged.

Women allowed to take cocaine if it ruins their life and they beg for forgiveness, says Daily Mail

IT is fine for a woman to use cocaine as long as it has horrifically awful consequences and she repents like a medieval witch, the Daily Mail has decided.

Dickhead friend into nicotine pouches now
A MAN who is a sucker for new fads is espousing the joys of sucking on disgusting little nicotine pouches, it has emerged.

Sport

We ask you: can Taylor Swift win a second consecutive Superbowl tomorrow?

TOMORROW night sees a clash of titans only Americans care about as the Philadelphia Eagles take on Taylor Swift in Superbowl LIX. Can she win?

We ask you: which FA Cup giant-killers will we condescendingly congratulate for winning a football match today?

TODAY, professional football players will play others who earn more, subjecting their team and town to patronising media write-ups. Who will be the plucky victors?

BBC to win back gammon football fans by replacing Lineker with a woman

THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.

Money to host 2034 World Cup

HUGE sums of dirty money have been chosen to host the 2034 World Cup in Saudi Arabia.

How to repress your homoerotic feelings about the Trump-Putin love affair: A MAGA guide
IT’S impossible to ignore the homoerotic overtones of Trump’s adulation for Putin. If you're a MAGA type feeling aroused by it too, here’s how to bury your unwanted feelings of gayness.

Science & Technology

Echo chambers full of delightful, well-informed people, users agree

ONLINE spaces criticised as ‘echo chambers’ are actually wonderful places to meet intelligent, educated people with correct views, according to their users.

Running a sweet farm employing coloured blobs: The f**king deranged mobile games you can't escape online ads for

TOO tight to upgrade to an ad-free version of a site or an app? Looks like you’ll have to learn to live with horrible adverts for dodgy mobile games. Like these...

Britain's Silicon Valley not to be in North for unexplained reasons

THE Labour government has elected not to create the UK’s Silicon Valley between Manchester and Liverpool, for reasons as yet unrevealed.

'Tiananmen Square is historically the ideal location for a family picnic': DeepSeek answers your questions

CHINESE AI DeepSeek is cheaper and more intelligent than Western AIs, which should surprise nobody. Here it answers your questions.

Arts & Entertainment

Disgraced TV chef not one of ours for a f**king change, cheers BBC

THE BBC is jubilant after learning that the next disgraced TV chef to dominate the news works mainly for ITV.

Five recap sentences that make you thank God you don't follow the soaps

SOMETIMES you read ‘Sonia is pregnant with Jamie’s baby unaware that he killed his ex-wife though her sister confessed’ and thank God you were spared this soap plot. These are actual storylines: 

Black Sabbath, and other artists who aren't as good once you're past puberty

OZZY Osbourne and Black Sabbath have announced their final tour. But some artists are best enjoyed when you have yet to reach sexual, and definitely mental, maturity. Like these.

Business

How to really, really enjoy it when it all goes to shit for Elon Musk

RIGHT now he’s flying, but Elon Musk is in a precarious position with Trump known to ditch anyone not completely subservient at whim. Stand by to savour his inevitable downfall.

Which shops on your high street are money-laundering people-smuggling fronts? A Mash investigation

A CANDY store. A Turkish barber. A newsagent which also does parcel returns. One of these must be genuine, but which? Reporter Emma Bradford investigates.

Water: How hard can it f**king be?

WATER: it falls from the skies. Collect it, treat it, send it out through the taps, sieve out the turds, treat it, job f**king done. Is that so hard, water companies?

Renationalised rail firms to be as great as local councils

THREE rail operators which are to be renationalised next year will soon have the same fantastic quality and customer service as your local council.

Princess of Wales visits prison to see if it's better
THE Princess of Wales has spent a day in a women’s prison to assess it against her own life and decide whether it would be an improvement.

Work

Six signs your WhatsApp group will shortly get you fired

AS Labour MP Andrew Gwynne discovered, every WhatsApp group is a ticking time bomb of kompromat. Here’s how yours will lead to your eventual dismissal.

Homeworker recalled to office doing piss-all to prove point

A HOMEWORKER ordered back to the office is spending long lazy days doing nothing to prove her point.

Six low-level bosses who wield their tiny amount of authority over you like fascist dictators

POWERLESS in their real lives, these wankers find their satisfaction in running a workplace like a Panzer Division. Which ones have bollocked you?

Are you becoming a distraction who must resign from your job? Take our quiz

ARE you doing your job perfectly, breaking neither rules nor codes, but should resign anyway because you are becoming a distraction like Tulip Siddiq? Find out.

Woman guessing her way through tax return definitely going to prison

A LENGTHY prison sentence is expected for a self-employed woman who had the audacity to believe she could complete her tax return without breaking the law.

Boss suddenly cool with working from home

A BOSS who is firmly against homeworking and demands all his employees attend the office in person is fine with it today.

The 24-hour countdown of a boyfriend remembering he was booking something for Valentine's Day: hour by hour
THE countdown to panicked boyfriends remembering they’d promised to ‘book somewhere nice’ for Valentine’s Day is about to begin. Here’s how it will unfold.

Alcohol

Man believes there is such a thing as 'quality tequila'

A MAN is insisting his friends dislike tequila because they have not had the ‘good stuff’, not because it is irretrievably vile regardless of cost.

We ask you: Are you observing a Dry January in Wetherspoon's?

HALFWAY through Dry January, are you sticking to it while maintaining a rigid schedule of daytime and evening Wetherspoon’s visits, like a patriot should?

Three days snowed in at the pub: what it's actually like and why you'd hate it

A GROUP of drinkers spent three days snowed in at a Yorkshire pub and are gamely pretending they loved it. They didn’t and nor would you.

Nation excitedly begins countdown to Dry January

THE UK is excitedly counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until Dry January can begin, it has emerged.

How to shock the nation with disgraceful scenes of drunken behaviour, but at home

TONIGHT photographers will be prowling to catch shameful scenes of pissed-up Britain showing its knickers and urinating publicly. But how can you do this at home?

The Home Counties, ranked from fewest twats to most twats
THE Home Counties are the most important counties in Britain according to their arsehole residents. But which comes closest to being barely tolerable, and which is the absolute worst?