The football fan's guide to ruining a quiet Sunday pub roast

PUBS are the perfect place to watch the Premier League on a big screen and make lunch unendurable for innocent bystanders. Football fan Wayne Hayes explains how.

Prosecco and other fun drinks that become bleak as f**k when drunk alone

SOME drinks take parties to a new level but are tragic when knocked back alone. Avoid quaffing these during solo sessions.

The seven stages of grief for a bloody hamster, by a dad

THE death of a family hamster is tragic for kids but boring for everyone else. Dad Roy Hobbs explains the seven tedious stages of their grief.

Woman's world rocked by three minutes of missionary position, boyfriend confirms

A MAN has performed mind-blowing sex on his girlfriend by doing three minutes of missionary intercourse, he has confirmed.

Woman in leopard print top absolutely going to end up more pissed than her friends
A WOMAN wearing a leopard print top on a night out is guaranteed to get more drunk than any of her friends, it has been confirmed.
'You're great company' and other phrases that mean you're not getting a second date

WONDERING if you repulsed your date with your face and personality? If you hear any of these phrases, the answer is 'yes'.

'Based on a true story': Incredibly stupid horror film lines they won't stop using

HORROR films are designed to scare, but nothing is more terrifying than these dumb, clichéd lines they insist on using.

The pathetic beta man's guide to pretending you understand the Premier League

NEED to learn about the Premier League so you can fit in with the real men? Fake your knowledge ahead of the new season with this guide.

Six great summer drinks you'll suddenly get horribly shitfaced on

A GOOD few spritzers at a garden party are harmless, right? You may revise that opinion after having a violent drunken row or blacking out and pissing your shorts. Here are some summer drinks to be wary of.

Your boring friend's guide to why monogamy is great

IS your dull mate settled down with the first woman who’ll shag him regularly - and claims it’s fantastic and won’t shut up about it? Here's Tom Logan's tedious guide to having found ‘the one’.

How the whole economic system going tits up might affect you

THE economy is once again hurtling towards recession, so how will having f**k all cash impact on your spending habits? Find out with our guide.

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Politics

Liz Truss having photo done in England kit as we f**king speak

LIZ Truss is posing for a photoshoot in England kit with a football under one arm as we f**king speak, Britain has realised.

A day in the miserable childhood of Liz Truss

LIZ Truss has been accused of distorting accounts of her Northern childhood. Here the surely-this-is-a-joke leadership candidate recounts her impoverished upbringing. 

Starmer sacks Angela Rayner's boyfriend so he can be her boyfriend

KEIR Starmer has sacked his deputy Angela Rayner’s boyfriend and suggested that perhaps he could step in on an acting basis.

Banning strikes, banning unions, banning trains: Panicked Tory solutions to the rail strike

THE Conservatives cannot fathom how they could possibly end the baffling, motiveless rail strike. These are their panicked ideas thus far.

Make money, shag about, do something you're good at: six reasons for Boris Johnson to drop this comeback shit

BORIS Johnson believes he can be prime minister again. Someone needs to explain to him these six reasons why he’ll be far, far happier when he isn’t.

Gove, Rees-Mogg, Patel: shag, marry, avoid? Five questions Truss and Sunak should be asked tonight

POSSIBLE prime ministers Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak go head to head tonight on ITV. These are the questions they should be asked.

Having a 'no turning' sign in the drive, and other ways people are pricks about their houses
DO you think an Englishman’s home is his castle? If so you may well be a wanker who adds stupid, self-important accessories to your dwelling. Like these.

Society

Bears revealed to be men in suits

ZOOLOGISTS have discovered that bears are in fact men in furry costumes, and not animals as had been previously thought.

Tragic bastard doing his big shop on a Saturday night

A TRAGIC man is planning to do his weekly big shop on a Saturday night because that is when the supermarket will be its quietest.

Why I can't personally chip in to your energy bill, by the billionaire boss of Shell

YES, I have made billions of pounds in profits. No, I cannot chuck a few quid towards your massive energy bill. Let me explain why.

A day in the life of a bigoted old white couple who'll decide our next PM

THE Tory leadership contest will soon be decided by the white, retired grassroots. So who are these key voters? Here party members Roy and Barbara Hobbs describe a typical day.

Free stuff, ranked from worst to best

THE best things in life are free, it’s claimed, but hotel Bibles are both free and crap. Gratis stuff, ranked...

Six locations to stay the f**k away from because it's the school holidays

THE summer holidays have begun, ruining these locations for the next six weeks. Stay the f**k away.

Batgirl, and other signs Hollywood might need to think of a new idea
WITH Warner Bros canning its upcoming Batgirl film amid rumours that it’s incredibly bad, perhaps it’s time Hollywood stopped shitting out the same old franchises? Just a thought.

Lifestyle

Bristolian can turn anything he touches into a bong

A BRISTOL stoner possesses the uncanny skill of being able to turn any object he encounters into a bong.

How to get through today if you're not into football

ARE you a weird killjoy not bothered about football, even though you’re a woman? Endure the next 72 hours of rolling Lionesses coverage with these tips.

No brown shoes with a blue suit: fashion rules dickheads think matter

THE biggest fashion faux pas is overthinking what you wear. Here are five sartorial rules only dickheads care about.

Five kid-friendly holiday ideas parents will hate

GOING on holiday? Need to book somewhere your kids will enjoy but you will find a waking nightmare? Try these destinations.

The messy bastard's guide to leaving everywhere a total shit tip

THINK how easy life would be if you didn’t feel the need to be even slightly tidy. Nikki Hollis, who ‘doesn’t see mess’, explains how to achieve this state of nirvana.

The Famous Five's summer holidays vs your childhood summer holidays

RAISED on the Famous Five’s long summers of sunshine, mouthwatering picnics and foiling a smuggling ring? How did it compare to your miserable reality?

Is it your fault the shopping bill costs twice as much? Take our quiz
THE cost of living has skyrocketed, and many people need urgent government help. But is there any chance that your own shopping costing double is down to… you?

Sport

How inspired are you? A checklist for celebrating women

THE Lionesses’ victory has inspired women, but only up to a point. Follow our checklist to ascertain your level of inspiration-linked activity.

Euros trophy left in nightclub toilet

THE Lionesses have left the Euro 22 trophy in one of a possible sixteen nightclub toilets, they have confirmed.

Years of hurt counter reset to zero

ENGLAND’S official years of hurt counter has been reset from 56 to zero, operators have confirmed.

Women better than men

WOMEN are officially loads better than men, the Euro 22 final has proved.

15 things not to say during tonight's final

TODAY'S Euro 2022 final between England and Germany is a historic occasion which the country is obligated to watch. So avoid saying these things.

Women strangely reluctant to stick flares up their arse for final

THE women of England are exhibiting a bizarre reluctance to stick flares up their arse ahead of the Euros final, it has emerged.

A kitchen island, and other signs of vast middle class kitchen wealth
YOU’VE got an enviable lifestyle, but are you rubbing other people’s noses in it enough? Forget Porsches and designer clothes, the real status symbols are these bourgeois kitchen accessories.

Science & Technology

Your guide to f**king with internet algorithms

THEY harvest your data, sell it on and use your every click to advertise you stuff, all perfectly targeted. Until you f**k with them.

Should I share naked pictures of myself online, or wait no stop don't f**king do that

THINKING of sending naked pictures of yourself to someone you barely know online? Ask yourself these questions before doing this very obviously stupid thing.

How to be dumb enough to get catfished

CATFISHING – being defrauded online by someone pretending to be something they are absolutely not – isn’t for everyone. Are you thick enough to fall for it?

Man horrified at the kind of twat who'd get his YouTube recommendations

A MAN was sent into a spiral of shame and self-loathing after being confronted by his own recommended videos on YouTube.

How to be a messianic tech bro overlord

ARE you a Silicon Valley zealot reshaping the world in your inhuman image? Include all these in your 3.0 version build:

Wifi strength improved by living virtuous life, Britain told

THE reliability of your home’s internet connection can be improved through good deeds and pure thoughts, senior UK church members said today.

Why sexually charged love-hate relationships are bollocks in real life
IN films, when two hot people hate each other, they often realise they’ve been in love all along! So why does this bullshit scenario occur so rarely in real life? 

Arts & Entertainment

Six first wedding dance songs no f**ker will ever forget

WANT to make the first dance at your wedding something people will remember forever? Play one of these inappropriate songs.

Five musical acts you wouldn't see if they paid you 3,000 quid

BRUCE Springsteen has been criticised for tickets being on sale for $4,000. But at least people want to see him. Here are some artists you wouldn’t watch even if the transaction worked the other way round.

Australia dismantled now Neighbours is over

THE country-sized set of Neighbours is slowly being dismantled and packed away now the soap is over, it has emerged.

Eurovision to be hosted in homophobic Daily Mail reader's living room

THE Eurovision Song Contest for 2023 will be hosted in the living room of a homophobic gammon, it has been confirmed.

Why every musical decade except the one you grew up with is shit

ARGUING about which decade produced the best music? The answer’s obvious - the one when you were young. The rest were shit. Here’s how to dismiss them all out of hand.

Six Hollywood stars and the shit songs they've inflicted on us

WHEN you’ve reached a certain level of Hollywood fame, you can do whatever you want. Especially if it’s churn out shit music and have it professionally released.

Old El Paso or Blue Dragon: Which meal kits are best for penetrative sex?
MEAL kits are a great way to make cooking more complicated and persuade the opposite sex to f**k you. Here’s the lowdown on which ones are most likely to lead to coitus.  

Business

Why poundshops were always bollocks

THE poundshop may soon be a thing of the past, as few items still cost £1. Britons are predictably upset, but the truth is they were always bollocks. Here’s why.

Six ways to get through three weeks of Jubilee wank

HORSES are parading, M&S biscuits are rebranded, and Nicholas Witchell is clearing his throat. Jubilee hysteria is upon us. Here’s how to make it through.

Smug Bitcoin bastards getting long-overdue comeuppance

SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.

Seven brands that arseholes love

IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these.

Coked-up guy ranting about crypto in bar hopes everyone is listening

A DRUNK man, noticeably high on cocaine and bellowing about cryptocurrencies in a central London pub, is hoping people are taking his excellent financial advice. 

So how exactly do tax cuts make the rich work harder? A CEO explains

THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.

Five ways British people will be total twats about a hosepipe ban
THE hosepipe bans coming into force will give Britain's most annoying citizens countless ways to be pedantic bastards and tinpot Hitlers. Here’s how they'll make the most of it.

Work

Homeworkers with kids begin six weeks of living hell

HOMEWORKERS with children begin six weeks of an endlessly harried logistical f**king nightmare today, they have confirmed.

Psychological tests, a 8,000-word essay and your first-born child: what job interviews demand these days

A CHRONIC labour shortage hasn’t stopped the audacity of prospective employers. Here’s what they now demand.

The middle-aged guide to fitting in with Gen Z work colleagues

IS everyone else on the video call younger and cooler than you? Did they not get your ‘computer says no’ gag? Hide your true age with these tips.

How to erroneously believe you're the best boss any employee could ever ask for

YOU care so much about your employees, you even call them at home at weekends. A management expert explains how to make your business your family.

Woman too sweaty to remove jacket

A WOMAN is bitterly regretting her decision to wear a blazer to work on one of the muggiest days of the year.

How much should you be paid? A gammon decides

WITH the biggest rail strike for 30 years underway, what should train drivers be paid? 58-year-old Roy Hobbs of Swindon, who knows f**k all, decides.

Six ways your kids will f**k up your holiday the second you leave home
THINK you’re about to embark on a delightful holiday with your lovely family? You aren’t. Here are six ways your kids will f**k it up.

Alcohol

How not to chat up a woman when you're horribly pissed

ALCOHOL makes you better-looking and more interesting - that’s just a scientific fact. Yet somehow women don’t always fall into bed with you after nine pints. Here’s what to avoid.

British lunchtime drinking phrases: a translation

WORKING in Britain? Then a ‘swift half’ will be suggested at around noon. What does this really mean, and what will happen next?

Wave your debit card: the wanker's guide to getting served at the bar

LOOKING to get drinks at your busy local, and also a wanker? Follow these tips and you’ll have an irate member of staff pulling your pint in no time.

Five signs you're in a pub for dickheads

POPPED out for a pint but realised something feels a bit off? Find out if you are in a pub for dickheads with this guide.

Conversation should be impossible: How to make a bar truly hellish

DO you frequently wonder why noisy, unpleasant bars need to be quite so horrific? Here Martin Bishop, owner of shite cocktail bar Lorenzo’s of Stevenage, explains his craft.

Five elaborate cocktails that aren't as good as a pint

ON a night out? Fancy drinking something new and exciting? Do not bother with these elaborate cocktails that are not as good as a pint.

Should you report yourself for 'vilifying' Britain?
RISHI Sunak has promised to clamp down on those who ‘vilify’ the fascist regime, sorry, ‘Britain’. So are you a treacherous vilifier or just a bit of a moaner? Read our checklist and be sure where you stand.