FORMER prime minister Liz Truss has announced she has a petition of her own which she is sure the whole nation will want to sign.

LABOUR have outlined their one-point plan to get young people in work which begins and ends with making them put their f**king phones down.

I AM barely five months into my job – and loving it – but oddly, there is a petition calling for a general election. I can only imagine it is for one of these reasons.

THE assisted dying bill coming to parliament this week is just the start of a slippery slope to death on demand for anyone you don’t like. Here’s how it will work.

TRAINS are so unreliable they have to come up with a host of stupid excuses to keep travellers docile. Here’s the truth behind their lies.

PETA have claimed a pub called ‘The Sly Old Fox’ is offensive to foxes. Which is a great way to stop people taking you seriously and presumably means these names are unacceptable too…

ENTERED a room? Concerned not everyone in it know you were born with coal in the bath and hatred of Thatcher in your heart? Let them know.

A MAN attending a reunion of his school class is shocked to see how badly all his former classmates have aged in the last 25 years.

THE Charity Commission admitted it is outside the scope of its enquiry, but that flying a centenarian long-haul while Covid was rampant was ‘some f**king bullshit.’

A RESIDENT of London has been stripped of her status by presuming to learn to drive a car by which she might visit other places.

GEN Z has confirmed the mullet is the official hairstyle of anyone who wishes to announce they stand outside of the gender binary.

A MAN has been exposed after posing as a veteran on Remembrance Sunday. But faking a military career is so popular you can’t help wondering if you should try it yourself. Let’s look at the pros and cons.

A TEENAGER is anxious that his ear piercing gives the impression he is attracted to the opposite sex.

THE greatest benefit of darker nights is the chance to see into the crappy front rooms of other people and judge them.

PLANNING a trip to the big smoke? Want that authentically wretched London experience the residents keep for themselves? Try these ten must-miss activities.

ALIENATED 1990s Manchester City fans admitted seeing their club blow a 3-0 lead against Feyenoord last night was like coming home.

THE storied history of the Premier League is rich with legendary managers, and Christian Gross. But which would you least look forward to seeing every other Christmas?

LIBERAL despot Gary Lineker, who has cruelly ruled Britain from his throne of football lies for decades, has announced he is to step down.

THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.

CONSUMERS are rejecting electric cars for a variety of reasons, but it’s great news for right-wing blokes who’ve always hated these effeminate vehicles. Here Roy Hobbs explains why you shouldn’t buy one.

NO reprisal is too extreme for the subhuman scum who use their bright phones in dark cinemas. Even these punishments are entirely reasonable.

YOUR online Reply Guy, faithfully leaving a comment under every Instagram post, is always there for you. But what do his messages really mean?

THE re-election of Trump is definitely the internet’s fault in a way that has yet to be specified, everyone has agreed.

A WARM, loving message from a father is clearly a scam designed to trick his son out of money.

THERE are hairstyles that are not only eye-catching and memorable, but were also behind hit songs. These dos lit up the charts.

DUNE: Prophecy is the latest prequel to an interesting story which proves all prequels to be leaden and unnecessary. These are why the genre should die:

HOLLYWOOD has stubbornly continued to make films even though it peaked 25 years ago. None of these recent releases can compare to a rewatch of a 1999 cyberpunk classic.

A MAN who is thoroughly enjoying the gig he is currently attending still, deep down inside, cannot wait for it to be over.

DO They Know It’s Christmas? is being rereleased with modern artists like Harry Styles added in. It could be a traumatic trip down Memory Lane if you’re middle-aged, so brace yourself for the following…  

CALLING a show ‘Police Officers’ would be dull. So TV works hard to find alternative, cooler titles for pumping out the same old crap and ends up here.

A MAN working night shifts as a security guard and driving a 16-year-old Fiat Punto has abandoned plans to buy a Jaguar F-Type because the brand is now woke.

DID you put thousands of pounds into cryptocurrencies you had never previously heard of because a man on YouTube told you to, you absolute knobhead?

CONSERVATIVE politicians who disdain government and adore business have been advised they could, instead of running for government, run a business.

WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened.

THE time has come to select your flavour of forced festivity with workmates. But you’re offered bone-dry turkey or pan-roasted hake when these are the options you want.

A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe.

ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques.

A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has emerged.  

A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her.

SOULLESS pubs feigning a long rustic history always pull the same interior design crap based around the same few bollocks items.

APPRECIATORS of super-strength lager's complex flavours feel they have been ignored in Rachel Reeves’ budget. 

A MAN is not tight or anything, he just thinks it is daft to spend a fiver on a pint.

MORE than 60 per cent of craft beer is brewed by big bastard corporations rather than independent bearded wankers, research has found.